Lately.

Hello, blog-world.

It has been a while. I say this regretfully-- so much has happened since my last post, I can't even begin to describe all that God has been doing lately.

Let's just say that I've seen God's faithfulness, perfect timing and love come together to give me a most precious gift.

Danny and I have been dating about three and a half months now, and every day is a confirmation that we are meant for each other. The distance is hard-- but our friendship and companionship is thriving and our love is growing daily.

We knew from the very beginning that this was big-- really big-- and that it was from God. I've had a lot of convictions that resulted in amazing experiences, and when I found Danny, I had the biggest conviction about him that I'd ever felt. That was a clue. ;)

There are the skeptics: people I used to be. That love at first sight (or site, haha) was only in the movies; that you can't really know a person when you've never been with them; that there could be more than one person out there for you; you can't trust someone you've met on a free dating site.

Or there are closer friends and family who've been skeptical: I didn't need to find a boyfriend online, so I must be desperate; I'm jealous of my friends engagements and so things have been rushed; or because it's online it's not a "real" relationship, it's just convenient for me for when I want him.

My answer to all the skeptics: False. All false.

Yes, I've heeded the warnings and I'm careful. But what Danny and I have is far bigger and far more wonderful than either of us ever planned on or imagined. These things don't come along every day, and there's no way I'm passing him up ;)

God is good. And I hope you'll be happy for me! I have such joy in the Lord because of Danny's presence in my life. Danny is helping me become a much better woman and yet I am always completely myself with him. Doesn't get much better than that :)

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In other news, I've been working at the Christian Reformed Home Missions office this summer. I love my job-- It has gotten me so excited about ministry and church planting! I am really blessed with both the great opportunity to serve but also a regular full-time income. This weekend I am headed to North Carolina for a convention as a vendor representing HM! Pretty cool!

In another month I'll be starting my last semester(!) at Calvin!! I can't wait to be done, although I do love the professors and enjoy the academics. I'm taking 15 credits-- 12 that are required and an extra 3 "for fun." I hope, for a number of reasons, that this semester goes by quickly! Between classes, working at the Prince Conference Center, homework, church and a long-distance relationship, I think I'll stay pretty busy :)

Blessings, friends. I'll try to update again soon.

Betsy

A Sestina for Dad

A Sestina* For Dad
For Dewey Vandenberg
15 February 1953--28 October 2004


There, in the living room, my dad
sleeps under a thin sheet. A nurse from home
hospice care motions to my mom, and they speak
in low tones, both knowing it’s time
to prepare for the end of his sickness.
I’d rather forget,

but can never forget,
his graying hair or my dad’s
sunken cheeks, or the way he was sick
for years, and now he’ll never leave our home
again. As days blur together into weeks, time
passes quietly, since he can barely speak.

But this is hardly new; for years we hardly spoke
and I know he hasn’t forgotten
my harsh words to him, like the time
when I screamed and hit my dad
again and again when we left home
one day. I was so angry that he was sick.

I, too, was sick
of dealing with the sadness every time he spoke
about how he’d miss us, miss this home.
He didn’t want us to forget
about him, about our own dad--
but he understood the erosion of time.

It’s worth remembering those times
when he was still healthy, not weak or sick,
and recall the enthusiasm and delight of my dad’s
laughter and jokes. Or, when he’d speak
to us about certain childhood joys almost forgotten;
those memories reverberate on the walls of our home.

My siblings and I laugh. They’re home
and we all wait together, passing the time
with games and casseroles given to us by others, names forgotten,
who also mourned while my dad was sick.
Their quiet gifts and countless Hallmark cards spoke
volumes about the ministry and widespread influence of my dad.

But now-- now my dad is in his heavenly Home
and I speak less about those times
of his sickness, but my heart cannot forget.


B. Vandenberg
April 2009



*A sestina is a form of poetry with six stanzas and an envoy that repeat six words throughout the piece at the end of each line, in a specific order. The poetry class just learned about this today, and I was intrigued by it and decided to give it a try. I'm amazed at what truths can reveal themselves even in (because of?) a tightly controlled form.

I want to remember this.

I have not felt such a strong conviction about anything in a long time; I've felt prompting and nudging, and I suppose those have been enough to get me in the right direction. Promptings and nudgings landed me in New Mexico last January, for example. It didn't take much for me to know I needed to go. 

But these convictions, boy, they're something else. It's when the Holy Spirit totally grips my heart and mind and fills me with this incredible sensation. I only seem to get it when what my heart longs for seems utterly impossible; but I've come to know this feeling intimately, and it means anything is possible.

Anything. All things are possible. When I dreamed about going on Royal Servants, the odds were not in my favor, but I felt this feeling of conviction and months later, I was in Europe, even though the trip cost thousands of dollars and my dad was sicker than he'd ever been. But God provided.

Anything-- All things are possible! I met my first boyfriend on a cruise in Mexico on Valentine's Day, playing with dolphins, when we were just 16. I had this strange conviction that there was something about him, something lasting beyond the four days of the cruise-- and we ended up dating for three years, and he was with me when my dad died. Even though he isn't a part of my life anymore, Jordan meant the world to me at a time I needed him most. 

Anything is possible. Ever since my first trip to Europe, I felt a longing to go back. Then-- you guessed it--I got that strong conviction again. One step at a time, God made it possible for me to spend a semester in Glasgow on my own, studying at the University, volunteering with amazing people and being with a church that would show me what "community" meant for the first time-- He broke my heart for Glasgow, the city, poverty and the under-resourced. 

All things are possible with God. While I was yet in Scotland, I found out about the Jubilee Fellows summer ministry internship program. It struck me with the same conviction (which, by now, I have learned to listen closely to!) but it wasn't time yet-- I couldn't apply for another year. But when that year passed, I remembered that strong feeling of conviction, even though I didn't feel it just then. But sure enough, I got in the program, and God used it in powerful ways for my own healing and growth, as well as ministry to others in Southern California. 

 

My literary mentor, Thomas Merton, has encouraged me to pay close attention to those deep movings of the Spirit-- I think that if it gets ignored, it's harder to trust later on. But when you do listen, and let it guide you, the possibilities of God's grace and provision are limitless.

That's why I value it so much-- when the Spirit starts moving like this, it's more amazing than eating the best food or wearing the costliest diamonds, because it means that my God is present and active and interested in my life, which is an honor above all else. 

Yet, so much of it comes from trusting your own heart, as well-- acknowledging the freedom that God has put into your own hands to pursue the dreams that HE has given to you, in order to bring Him glory and joy through your life. 

So yes, I have that feeling of conviction again. It's exciting, it's breathtaking, but it's also thrillingly terrifying! (I forgot about that part!) 

I can't explain what this means-- who knows what God will do with it this time? :) All I know is that I've got that feeling, so strongly, so passionately in my soul, and I'm going to listen. Maybe, in another year or so, I'll look back on this post and smile, and be able to add to that list of what God has done for me.  

Betsy Joy