Out of my Hands: Prayers Petitions & Praises

A Year in the Life

2010-07-07T00:25:00.002-04:00

My 23rd birthday is fast approaching. I feel like I've earned more than one birthday this year; so much has happened in the last 12 months that don't often happen to someone all at once.

I fell in love,
got engaged to the man of my dreams,
Graduated from college,
Moved my life across the country with hardly a few hundred dollars in the bank,
Got hired for my first real job teaching with real benefits and insurance(!),
Had my fiance break up with me,
Got in my first car accident,
Found a new church,
Bought my first car,
Learned to pay my own bills,
Said goodbye to my first group of students and school,
Now unemployed for the first time,
AND visited Central America for the first time.

Yep. Quite a bit in fewer than 12 months.

So in many ways, I'm back on square one, but on the other hand I'm a world away from who I used to be. It's been quite the journey to put a life together, especially when so much of my heart and so many of my dreams had been dashed to pieces... But God's grace has been transformative and instrumental. I want to thank those who have stayed by my side through it all: especially my mom, my bible study girls, my friend and roommate Courtney, and the awesome teachers, staff and students at Horizon.

I bought a book today called "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" And although it sounds dumb, it's actually a fantastic book of beautiful questions. I hope to get back into writing and do some serious self-evaluation by blogging about the topics that the book raises. Join me in thinking about these things, if you'd like. I'm also excited to introduce some of these questions to my future students--whoever they are.

Thanks for being patient with me, blogging world. I hope I'm back.

Betsy Joy

Lately.

2009-07-24T14:41:00.002-04:00

Hello, blog-world.

It has been a while. I say this regretfully-- so much has happened since my last post, I can't even begin to describe all that God has been doing lately.

Let's just say that I've seen God's faithfulness, perfect timing and love come together to give me a most precious gift.

Danny and I have been dating about three and a half months now, and every day is a confirmation that we are meant for each other. The distance is hard-- but our friendship and companionship is thriving and our love is growing daily.

We knew from the very beginning that this was big-- really big-- and that it was from God. I've had a lot of convictions that resulted in amazing experiences, and when I found Danny, I had the biggest conviction about him that I'd ever felt. That was a clue. ;)

There are the skeptics: people I used to be. That love at first sight (or site, haha) was only in the movies; that you can't really know a person when you've never been with them; that there could be more than one person out there for you; you can't trust someone you've met on a free dating site.

Or there are closer friends and family who've been skeptical: I didn't need to find a boyfriend online, so I must be desperate; I'm jealous of my friends engagements and so things have been rushed; or because it's online it's not a "real" relationship, it's just convenient for me for when I want him.

My answer to all the skeptics: False. All false.

Yes, I've heeded the warnings and I'm careful. But what Danny and I have is far bigger and far more wonderful than either of us ever planned on or imagined. These things don't come along every day, and there's no way I'm passing him up ;)

God is good. And I hope you'll be happy for me! I have such joy in the Lord because of Danny's presence in my life. Danny is helping me become a much better woman and yet I am always completely myself with him. Doesn't get much better than that :)

------------------------------------------------

In other news, I've been working at the Christian Reformed Home Missions office this summer. I love my job-- It has gotten me so excited about ministry and church planting! I am really blessed with both the great opportunity to serve but also a regular full-time income. This weekend I am headed to North Carolina for a convention as a vendor representing HM! Pretty cool!

In another month I'll be starting my last semester(!) at Calvin!! I can't wait to be done, although I do love the professors and enjoy the academics. I'm taking 15 credits-- 12 that are required and an extra 3 "for fun." I hope, for a number of reasons, that this semester goes by quickly! Between classes, working at the Prince Conference Center, homework, church and a long-distance relationship, I think I'll stay pretty busy :)

Blessings, friends. I'll try to update again soon.

Betsy

A Sestina for Dad

2009-04-13T17:45:00.002-04:00

A Sestina* For Dad
For Dewey Vandenberg
15 February 1953--28 October 2004

There, in the living room, my dad
sleeps under a thin sheet. A nurse from home
hospice care motions to my mom, and they speak
in low tones, both knowing it’s time
to prepare for the end of his sickness.
I’d rather forget,

but can never forget,
his graying hair or my dad’s
sunken cheeks, or the way he was sick
for years, and now he’ll never leave our home
again. As days blur together into weeks, time
passes quietly, since he can barely speak.

But this is hardly new; for years we hardly spoke
and I know he hasn’t forgotten
my harsh words to him, like the time
when I screamed and hit my dad
again and again when we left home
one day. I was so angry that he was sick.

I, too, was sick
of dealing with the sadness every time he spoke
about how he’d miss us, miss this home.
He didn’t want us to forget
about him, about our own dad--
but he understood the erosion of time.

It’s worth remembering those times
when he was still healthy, not weak or sick,
and recall the enthusiasm and delight of my dad’s
laughter and jokes. Or, when he’d speak
to us about certain childhood joys almost forgotten;
those memories reverberate on the walls of our home.

My siblings and I laugh. They’re home
and we all wait together, passing the time
with games and casseroles given to us by others, names forgotten,
who also mourned while my dad was sick.
Their quiet gifts and countless Hallmark cards spoke
volumes about the ministry and widespread influence of my dad.

But now-- now my dad is in his heavenly Home
and I speak less about those times
of his sickness, but my heart cannot forget.

B. Vandenberg
April 2009

*A sestina is a form of poetry with six stanzas and an envoy that repeat six words throughout the piece at the end of each line, in a specific order. The poetry class just learned about this today, and I was intrigued by it and decided to give it a try. I'm amazed at what truths can reveal themselves even in (because of?) a tightly controlled form.

I want to remember this.

2009-04-09T12:40:00.005-04:00

I have not felt such a strong conviction about anything in a long time; I've felt prompting and nudging, and I suppose those have been enough to get me in the right direction. Promptings and nudgings landed me in New Mexico last January, for example. It didn't take much for me to know I needed to go.

But these convictions, boy, they're something else. It's when the Holy Spirit totally grips my heart and mind and fills me with this incredible sensation. I only seem to get it when what my heart longs for seems utterly impossible; but I've come to know this feeling intimately, and it means anything is possible.

Anything. All things are possible. When I dreamed about going on Royal Servants, the odds were not in my favor, but I felt this feeling of conviction and months later, I was in Europe, even though the trip cost thousands of dollars and my dad was sicker than he'd ever been. But God provided.

Anything-- All things are possible! I met my first boyfriend on a cruise in Mexico on Valentine's Day, playing with dolphins, when we were just 16. I had this strange conviction that there was something about him, something lasting beyond the four days of the cruise-- and we ended up dating for three years, and he was with me when my dad died. Even though he isn't a part of my life anymore, Jordan meant the world to me at a time I needed him most.

Anything is possible. Ever since my first trip to Europe, I felt a longing to go back. Then-- you guessed it--I got that strong conviction again. One step at a time, God made it possible for me to spend a semester in Glasgow on my own, studying at the University, volunteering with amazing people and being with a church that would show me what "community" meant for the first time-- He broke my heart for Glasgow, the city, poverty and the under-resourced.

All things are possible with God. While I was yet in Scotland, I found out about the Jubilee Fellows summer ministry internship program. It struck me with the same conviction (which, by now, I have learned to listen closely to!) but it wasn't time yet-- I couldn't apply for another year. But when that year passed, I remembered that strong feeling of conviction, even though I didn't feel it just then. But sure enough, I got in the program, and God used it in powerful ways for my own healing and growth, as well as ministry to others in Southern California.

My literary mentor, Thomas Merton, has encouraged me to pay close attention to those deep movings of the Spirit-- I think that if it gets ignored, it's harder to trust later on. But when you do listen, and let it guide you, the possibilities of God's grace and provision are limitless.

That's why I value it so much-- when the Spirit starts moving like this, it's more amazing than eating the best food or wearing the costliest diamonds, because it means that my God is present and active and interested in my life, which is an honor above all else.

Yet, so much of it comes from trusting your own heart, as well-- acknowledging the freedom that God has put into your own hands to pursue the dreams that HE has given to you, in order to bring Him glory and joy through your life.

So yes, I have that feeling of conviction again. It's exciting, it's breathtaking, but it's also thrillingly terrifying! (I forgot about that part!)

I can't explain what this means-- who knows what God will do with it this time? :) All I know is that I've got that feeling, so strongly, so passionately in my soul, and I'm going to listen. Maybe, in another year or so, I'll look back on this post and smile, and be able to add to that list of what God has done for me.

Betsy Joy

2009-04-05T12:50:00.003-04:00

The worship service at MCC today was wonderful and gave me such clarity on my life. Pastor Jason (our amazing intern!) preached his best sermon today about Luke 19:28-44. Instead of simply focusing on the celebration and joy of the moment-- because hallelujah, the King has come!-- he also drew our attention to verse 41:

As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace---"

Why would Jesus weep? Because Israel missed the point. Yes, Christ is King. But His is a heavenly kingdom, not an earthly one. The Jews wanted a king who could fix their surface problems (however serious) inflicted on them by the Romans. Jesus weeps because His purpose is greater-- to bring about the salvation of the world!-- yet they can't see it.

"...Had only known what would bring you peace..."

These lines jumped out at me. I wondered if Jesus could say the same to me on many occasions where I have turned away from Him and toward sin. Does my Savior weep? Maybe yes. He could easily be saying to me "If you would only know, only acknowledge in your heart, what would bring you peace, you would refuse the sin that you find so gratifying. Turn to me, my dearest Betsy. Turn to me, confess and be forgiven-- that will bring you the peace you desire."

And yet, I don't. I want a king who will fix my external problems. Lately I've been in "planning mode" and it's so easy to get caught up in the "haves" and "have-nots" and get angry at God for all of the "have-nots." Looking at that perspective makes my life seem so empty-- I don't have a career, I'm not living on my own, there are no relationship prospects. Yet the King's purpose is not to satiate my surface ideals and desires; His purpose is the salvation of my soul.

Oof.

Suddenly, I can truly sing a different song: "Lord, You are good! Lord, you are good! Lord, you are good to me!" :)

There is peace and light in my heart. I acknowledge the salvation brought to me in love 2,000 years ago. What an amazing God we serve! One whose love and passion continues even today... it doesn't get more incredible than that.

Betsy Joy

Brown Penny - A Love Poem by Wm Butler Yeats

2009-03-22T16:34:00.002-04:00

I whispered, 'I am too young,'

And then, 'I am old enough';

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love.

'Go and love, go and love, young man,

If the lady be young and fair.'

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it,

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away

And the shadows eaten the moon.

Ah penny, brown penny, brown penny,

One cannot begin it too soon.

-Wm Butler Yeats

A poem spoken at the breakfast table with light streaming in. "I like that," mom says.

2009-03-22T09:37:00.001-04:00

i thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and love and wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any- lifted from the no

of all nothing - human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

ee cummings

I still exist.

2009-03-18T22:44:00.003-04:00

I love teaching.

I am a born teacher.

I love English, it makes me happy.

Good lessons give me good energy.

Excellent lessons put me on ten feet of air; I get inspired to write articles for the English Journal.

Teaching is exhausting, hence why nothing gets published further than a blog post.

I like to compare aspects of teaching to the story of Adam naming the animals.

I don't eat enough, sleep enough, exercise enough, see friends enough, relax enough... yet I've never been better.

(The last statement was an exaggeration, except for the "I've never been better" part.)

I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life, and doggoneit, I didn't pay an arm and a leg at Calvin to get burned out after four years, so watch me teach till the day I die! ;) (In some capacity, at least!)

I don't know when to stop blogging sometimes.

Betsy

Love for Christ (apparently part 3 of these love-themed posts!)

2009-02-22T14:03:00.002-05:00

It's hard for me to believe that I once couldn't bring myself to go to church on Sunday mornings. That just over a year ago, I had "gods" in my life that attempted to separate me from the One who loves me most. Now, here I am, completely enamored with the Church and the Christ who is the Head, and unbelievably welcomes me into a real Relationship with Him. Yes, it's messy. Yes, it's hard and the lines are sometimes blurred, but living in expectancy of His grace and goodness is so much better than living with expectations.

MCC has been one of the greatest gifts I have received from God. My brothers and sisters in Christ there are real people with real problems and also a real love for God. They have demonstrated true hospitality towards me, and in turn, it has overflowed from them to me and now from me to others. I love serving there. I am so thrilled to be a part of that community, and to be able to get involved in deeper ways all the time, esp for next summer! I have flourished and found joy again. I have accepted the forgiveness of Christ and the joy (after the Pain) is uncontainable. Just try and get me to hold still while I sing there! ;)

I can hardly believe the changes in my own person. I still have the same struggles, and it's pretty clear when I look at my life that I have stuff to deal with yet, but I am so different all the same. I am the member of the Body that I have longed to be. Broken as I am, I've found that the weak ARE able to lead the strong. I have found that Christian community is deeply satisfying in a way that I had been very skeptical of before. God is so good to me. His faithfulness endures.

Betsy

a different kind of love story

2009-02-15T08:57:00.005-05:00

Today is February 15th. My dad would have been 56 today! And each year since his death, I've done little things to remind myself (and often, reminding others) of his life. Sometimes these things include a rose on his grave, or to visit the church he worked at, or going through a box of his things to look one more at his drivers license picture, his wallet, various papers marking the progress through his life and death.

Changing my profile picture and status on FB is a tiny thing to do compared to the loss that I've experienced, but it helps me remember him. Frederick Buechner, in his book Telling Secrets, describes the way he forgot altogether what his dad was like because no one ever talked about it.

Writing this blog post to reflect on these things I do helps me remember the reasons why I do those things.

It's the little things we do, that help us remember the past by, not by erecting a monument in my dad's honor. It's the way I honor him in my life every day-- from the dreams I'm pursuing, the involvement at my church, getting on the Dean's list (again!)--that would make my dad proud. And so I go ahead and change my profile picture to the one of us wearing silly hats in Key West, because that's a memory (bittersweet as it is) that I can remember and smile at. There are other memories, too, trapped into poems and pictures that are not so happy, and today is not the day for remembering those. Some other time, some other October.

I miss you, Dad. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Betsy

love stories.

2009-02-14T21:58:00.004-05:00

five years ago today, i met my first boyfriend. his name is jordan.
he now lives in tulsa, happily in a relationship with someone else.
we spent three valentine's days together.

two years ago today, i was not on a date with a brand new boyfriend. we went out with friends who needed our love more, and that was a good memory. (we went out the following weekend.) his name is eric.
he is at calvin, too. he is now happily in a new relationship with someone else.

when i think back to the men in my life-- all of them, from high school crushes, all my four different kissers, to long-distance-long-term relationships, to summer daydreams and significant coffee dates (at least in my mind), friendly dates and hopeful glances-- it's quite the variety. my men have been quite the unconventional types.

my love story is not turning out how i thought it would five, four, three or two years ago, or even one year ago. but that's okay. it's better. my heart is better attuned to who the Lord is calling me to love, and I wouldn't trade the deep love of Jesus for anything. :)

it was strange, though, to spend today as a truly single woman, unattached and available. it was quite unromantic. my mom did give me some new fun jewelry, though! and candy hearts (even though i don't like candy hearts... oh well.) i watched tv. there were a few valentine's day episodes on, which were cute. and my mom and stepdad went out for dinner while i ate chicken nuggets. not so bad, really. i did talk to jordan for a few minutes via fb, which was really good for me. we've all changed so much, for the better, for the stronger and wiser. :) i can only wonder what my next valentine's day will be like. where in the world will i be? who will i know? what will i do? i guess i just have to keep up the adventure of my life to find out.

<3 betsy

A friend of a friend of a friend..... wrote this:

2009-02-06T21:01:00.002-05:00

...I especially won’t believe that God wants me to know the Bible, but not know literature, relationships, beauty, work, sacrifice, science, art and service. I will approach all those things as a Biblically thinking Christian, with a grid of God and the Gospel giving cohesion and hope to all I experience and encounter.

I want to suggest that “Bible study” that amounts to an obsessive concern with what the Bible says and no more is not the way we live the Christian life. If we know God and the Gospel, we should raise our sails in the winds of human experience, creativity and discovery, expecting God’s truth to be there as well.

I experience this frequently. I will teach a poem or story and realize I am in the Biblical world. I will sense in human brokenness the Biblical story. In a thousand ways I see the face and compassion of Jesus. In explorations and discoveries I see the marvel of God’s power and detail in creation.

None of these thing take the Bible away from me. I take the Bible with me into these parts of my life. I take the Bible, its “map” of reality and truth, its message of hope and most of all, its Gospel of redemption, resurrection and a new world begun in Christ.

I got this from my friend Steph's blog, who reflected on it and I liked the quote she had from someone else's blog, a guy by the name of Michael Spencer (aka Internetmonk). I went and read the context, and it was intriguing. I'd encourage you to check it out and consider what he says, especially his last question: "Is the Bible a stopping place or a starting place for Christian thinking?"

Anyway. Interesting stuff. Thought I would pass it on.

Betsy

Teaching blog

2009-02-05T22:40:00.003-05:00

Hi Friends.

Student teaching is going wonderfully well. I have actually started another blog for my own reflections (since typing is easiest for me, and a blog is conveniently available anywhere there is a computer). I have made it unlisted/ private, because I don't want to risk a bad situation of misunderstandings between me/students/parents/other teachers/etc.

However, I know that many of you would be interested in following my stories (and reading yet another blog) about teaching and I would be more than happy to make it available to you in that way. If you're interested, leave a comment and I'll add you to my list. :) I'm also planning on emailing my updates to my advising professors, so email is an option too.

Time for bed!

Betsy

Oh, how I love You Jesus! <3

2009-02-01T09:12:00.001-05:00

There is a name I love to hear
I love to sing its worth
It sounds like music in mine ear
The sweetest name on earth

Oh, how I love you, Jesus
Oh, how I love you, Jesus
Oh, how I love you, Jesus
Because you first loved me!

It tells me of a Saviour's love
Who died to set me free
It tells me of His precious blood
The sinner's perfect plea

It tells me what my Father hath
In store for ev'ry day
And though I tread a darksome path
Yields sunshine all the way

It tells of One whose loving heart
Can feel my deepest woe
Who in each sorrow bears a part
That none can bear below

Weird teaching dreams (NOT the ambitions kind!)

2009-01-31T08:24:00.004-05:00

Two days before I start my student teaching, and I'm starting to have teaching dreams. Ack!

I dreamt that I was at a huge school, and it was my first day. This place was enormous... and it was totally disorganized. The kids basically had the run of the school. In my dream, I don't think there was actually any classroom instruction, because the teachers really didn't know what to do.

In one of the hallways (which looked vaguely like HCHS, lol), the teacher showing me around was terrified of the students, even though they appeared to be pretty normal kids. I remember I was telling her "You know, we're older than them, smarter than them, we can run faster and farther than them... well, most of them." (Gee, what a line.)

Then there were other parts of the building, though, which were like a castle, with rooms that were dark and unused. As one teacher said "Hey! Where were you?" He just looked at her sheepishly and said "I was talking to Anna." The teacher said "Who's that, your girlfriend?" which didn't seem entirely appropriate to say. But just then, another kid said "Hey look! There are the Bedtime Boys!"

You should have seen it (not that I really was, but this is still all in my dream)-- in this dark room with a pingpong table, these middle-school-aged boys had totally set up a fort underneath and around the table, and had gone unnoticed for what was probably weeks. They had pillows and cushions and blankets everywhere. The light got turned on, and the boys scrambled to escape. But the other teacher and I tried to get them to stand in a line where we could see them... and then I woke up (thanks Meghan... just kidding!)

Oh, but I forgot to tell you about the playground. The property went for miles, and the school was at one corner of it. There really weren't any structures to play on, just an enormous sheet of old blacktop that desperately needed resurfacing. And oh, the chalk. There were drawings everywhere. Not the "oh, cool, kids are using their imaginations" kind of drawings, it was mostly just lines from here to there, to walk along. (The kids didn't listen, big surprise.) It felt horrible. Blacktop and chalk. These kids just didn't play. I remember wanting to get the whole thing resurfaced and paint some real lines that they couldn't mess with down, and some other things too like four-square or the USA, or something like what I had as a kid, to actually play with.

Then there were the teachers. I kind of mentioned they seemed incompetent, but it was mostly out of fear. But sometimes they were as bad as the kids. There were a group of teachers hanging around a thing that looked like an above-ground pool with no water in it (about the size of a hot tub, but with the shape of half an egg, all rounded with no ladder or steps) and the things they were saying were stupid, joking about this thing with all of these kids hanging around listening (and would probably try it out when the teachers weren't around). Seriously, the maturity of the teachers was hardly more than these students, which seemed to range K-12.

Yeah. Weird, huh? I don't know what this is supposed to tell me, especially going in for my first day on Monday. Thank goodness my placement will be more structured than THIS school. But when I was "there," in my dream, I felt like I knew what the place needed, that it was simply a matter of establishing structure and getting a staff with backbone. The kids weren't all that bad, they just had been running it their way. Interesting.

Well, the smell of cinnamon rolls is getting me moving. :)

Betsy

Quiet Mornings.

2009-01-28T09:58:00.007-05:00

Ten o'clock light in the winter is still soft, quietly unobtrusive,
yet she stretches her fingertips out across the table
and tiptoes into the hallway.

Outside, the snow is dusted with
a layer of tiny sparkles; in the yard,
a web of tracks criss-cross from one end to the other.
Our deer friends, our nocturnal visitors, have been busy.
(Just last night around eleven, I walked into the kitchen and gasped
--straight ahead, looking straight back at me, was a lovely doe.)
In the tree are three mourning doves, two of them sitting together
with beaks tucked in behind, trying hard to ignore the cold.
Another flock of birds fly towards the sun, dark wings
a contrast to the pale sky. No wind, just the movement of birds.
Bare trees stand tall and still, frozen.

I sit cross-legged at the kitchen table, a red speckled mug
cooling with the remains of hot chocolate. I savor the chocolate,
but I savor this precious quietness more:
(and, as if on cue with my words, the humming of the refrigerator ceases).
I stop to correct my spelling of refrigerator. The only sound is the click click click
of the keyboard and the voice in my head that narrates the words as they come--
I haven't thought about what they will be, only read them in my head as they appear.
If I could put this morning in a bottle, I would put it in my pocket and save it
for those moments in loud, dirty traffic, or for the anxiety of a hospital room, or maybe just as a gift...

A gift. Indeed, this is a gift. My Creator rested, and all Creation sighs in relief and follows suit.

Amen, amen, amen.

Perks of being an aunt:

2009-01-25T19:03:00.004-05:00

"Bye, Tyler! I love you!"

(short pause)

"I love you too, Aunt Betsy!"

"I love you more!"

"I love you too!"

"See ya later!"

(in exactly the same tone:)
"See ya later!"

Tyler can be pretty mischievous at times, especially being the boy with two sisters. He often gets away with more than he should. Tonight, while he still looked at me with a glint in his eye when I asked him for the 10th time to Please Not Touch My Computer Screen, for much of the night he was uncharacteristically cuddly. He sat with me for quite a while as I checked my email and he watched the Rudolf movie. At nearly three years old, the triplets are a delight and entertainment. Sure, they have their moments, but we're so glad to have them around. :)

I had a very good day, except for almost being late for church (let's just say I'm grateful no cops were out!) I had been thinking about ways to become more involved at MCC, now that Rehoboth is behind us and I'm looking forward to having a full year--all 12 months of 2009-- to spend with this church family. A few longings have been on my heart for weeks now, and I finally started paying attention to them. And, as cliche as it sounds, a verse on the Christian radio station brought me to a place where I could articulate them after the service and see that yes, maybe God was prompting me to pursue that route.

The passage was Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I realized that it was exactly what I needed to hear:
that I needed to indeed trust God with my heart, even when I'm still afraid (even after all the times He has answered my heart's desires!) of disappointment;
that even though I couldn't foresee how it would work out, I needed to not lean on my own understanding;
that it was time to acknowledge what God has been doing in my life and acknowledge these dreams He has given me;
and finally, to let Him make the way forward and follow Him.

The sermon today was a perfect followup, too. It was all about Coit, so again, God's timing was impeccable, as it always is. I have learned so much in the past weeks, and He has affirmed and reaffirmed His love to me in countless ways. I hear Him asking me now, "Do you Love me? Do you really Agape me? Betsy, will you love me unconditionally?" and I want to answer that with Yes!

I come broken, though. I come as a vessel with impurities and imperfect contents. But the Lord has cleansed me and filled me with unbounding Joy. Sometimes I can even feel a bit embarrassed by the energy it gives me, but when Love and Joy come freely, who can resist it? If you knew my past and sins, you would also be amazed at the transformation that my precious Jesus has brought me through. This IS the power of the cross, He IS the beautiful one I love, the one I adore: my soul shall sing.

Betsy

PS. I get PostSecrets every Sunday, and the last one today made me laugh, if not a bit surprised and curious! ;)

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

More thoughts on the Shack.

2009-01-24T22:41:00.002-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking today about The Shack. I had a while to think about it on the drive home, anyway. I recalled the passage about living in the present, and felt that to be quite applicable to my life right now. I'd say it's one of my favorite passages.

One thing that came up in a conversation with my friend Kim (who hasn't read it, but has heard an earful about it) was the emphasis on relationship vs. law. The more I thought about it, and about the particular sins that have infiltrated my life and my connection (or rather, disconnection) to the Church because of them, I realized that yes, it IS about the relationship, and for many people, the Law is the same thing as the Institution. It's not, but for many (including me) that can be such a barrier.

When I sinned, confessed, and was consequently 'expelled' from the close knit community I had been a part of (and, sadly, it was because of the security of that community that I felt free to confess), I felt completely betrayed by the Church and its believers. And in a way, I had been-- but it was the institution that was run by a different paradigm of leadership than I believed that the Church was run by. (Whether or not I'm "right" about that is besides the point. I'm just telling you how I felt and perceived it, which is not so far off from what most people, believers or not, would feel.)

Basically, it comes down to the point that when I needed to be embraced by community and held accountable in solid relationship with others, I was made to leave them behind and try to "get better" on my own. I had been cleansed and redeemed-- but that didn't seem to matter: the Sin still held power in my life. I certainly needed healing, time and space, but there was no structure for that. After all, being in leadership is about being the best possible example, right? (Not really, actually. I've discovered that leadership is living life authentically and allowing others to see into the way that God works grace in your life. Being the first to the alter to lay it all before the Lord is true leadership. How can you ask others to confess if you, yourself, have not?) Ultimately, fixing things on my own didn't work, and I spiraled back into a place of sin and darkness, worse off than before the confession. While the Institution had good intentions (as it always does), it lacked the essential relationship. Bonhoeffer talks about exactly this in his last chapter of Life Together. Looking back on the last year and a half, I can see that the most growth has blossomed in the last five months. Why? Hm. I have been engaged with a healthy community. People. Relationships. Life & Love.

And that is what I think Young wants to point out about the law and relationship. Yes: God's laws for us are a model and guide for us to live. Yes, they point the to the ways that we can be in better relationship with Him. But it's still all about the relationship. When we hold others to the Law, rather than in relationship with the kind of "expectancy" Young also talks about, we fail them and ourselves. I think the struggle comes because engaging in real relationship is often counterintuitive. It embraces when instincts want to hold at arms length. This is how Jesus got into a lot of trouble, I think, with the Pharisees and the Teachers of the Law. The woman who knelt at Christ's feet and wiped them clean with her tears, hair and perfume? Not exactly someone you'd want to hold in relationship-- it would be far easier to leave it with the Law. And granted, her following the Law would probably help; but when it comes down to it, Christ knows her sin and loves her anyway. And that's what He did for me, and what He does for you. So let's not take it lightly. Young is right to emphasize it in his book.

That's a lot of processing.

I'm not even done with the book yet.

But I would like to add that I am so grateful for the wonderful relationships God has blessed me with, especially with a dear friend of mine. She and i have had a meeting of minds and of hearts, as they say. Both at a transitional point in our lives, we are able to talk openly and freely. It's truly holy conversation. For years we've wanted to meet regularly and pray for each other, but my spiritual maturity and open schedule have not often been on the same page. But now, at this pivotal point in our lives, we plan to meet weekly over coffee and talk about life. I am so excited for it!

This is the life I have been longing for. I have found such fullness in Christ, and the deeper I go, the better it gets, and the more I realize how much further I have to go! There is such joy in my heart these days. My Abba, my friend, my savior, my creative spirit-- all that God is to me-- has truly redeemed my life from the pit and placed me on the higher ground. Hallelujah!

betsy <3

Dunes

2009-01-24T10:17:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I went to Saugatuck Dunes to see the ice on Lake Michigan. If you've never done that, it's an amazing sight. It gets me every time. Here's a preview:

The reason I ventured out there was to take pictures of this phenomenon in order to capture something unique about the place where I grew up. I have some good memories of hiking out to see the ice with my dad as a kid, and again when he was sick. I was inspired to do a poetry lesson on the idea of "place" after reading a book I bought while out in New Mexico, called Blue Horses Rush In by Luci Tapahonso.

So yes. I have still been reading, even though not as diligently as I planned to originally. I thought I would be able to read while in New Mexico, or at least during the 60 hours(!) I was in the van getting to and from New Mexico, but it just didn't happen. But I still have this last week to read a few more books, and on top of my list is The Shack.

Before you rush to tell me that you've read it, I'm aware that generally everyone has read it except for me. ;) I've heard about it for months, since Rosewood Church did a bookstudy on it during Summer Family Nights, and have been meaning to read it... but it just never happened. But when Pastor Henry sent out an email earlier this week about the upcoming sermon series that will draw from the book, I finally felt inclined to put it at the top of my list and read it already. I'm about halfway through.

I'm aware of its controversiality, but so far I can see why people are drawn to it. It offers something different than what is generally "assumed" (and not all what we "assume" as Christianity is Truth!) and gets at a small place in the heart that has imagined the things that this author articulates. I think Young is right in that God wants to be known, but so often our own perceptions of God and of His Truth box him up into something that He isn't. While I don't think Young would argue that the "right" view of God is X, Y and Z, I think he is arguing that we can't imagine what God is truly like, so we need to let God be God and worship Him (or Her! -wink- Why doesn't the English language have a gender-neutral pronoun!? Although the colloquial "they" would be appropriate here...) um, where was I? Ah yes: and worship God in a fuller, unrestrained, uncertain sense. Not that God wants us to blindly follow Him (now I'm conscious of that pronoun!)--- we have Jesus, given to us in the flesh, and who will always be human with us. I think Young is onto something there, too... We'll just have to see where it goes.

Not all of these things are conclusions made from reading half of a work of fiction about it. I've been thinking about these things since high school, and it's nice to be reading something that echoes a few of my suspicions about the aforementioned "assumed" truths. I had a teacher who basically suggested that, as an act of worship and meditation, we think of God as other than Father or male. (Jesus himself refers to God as a mother hen in Matthew 23:37- "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.")

In college, too, I have been challenged in how I perceive God, especially during my Doctrine of Christ and Reconciliation course with Professor Schneider. I learned a lot, and allowed myself to become more open to listening to other perspectives --from Christians!--that didn't necessarily fit within the framework of the CRC. I don't "collect" theological ideas and put them in a box, but I do take into consideration how this idea helps me to understand the world, or other people's view of the world. This is true for the issues that Young is talking about in the book. Some people are quick to write him off because he is suggesting idolatry or universalism, but it would be worth taking the time to hear him out, because it helps to understand our critics, both within Christian scholarship and from the world. I heard an excellent January Series lecture on Thursday, from the guy who wrote UnChristian, David Kinnaman. He reminded us that Jesus uses the world to keep the Church accountable. Yes, it's worth listening to what others are saying. I think reading The Shack with an open mind is one way to do that.

In other news, I start student teaching on February 2. I couldn't be more excited! :) I'm sure you'll hear plenty of stories in the coming months about my adventures in the classroom.

Betsy

Extending Grace

2009-01-21T23:14:00.002-05:00

... and receiving it.

Tonight I "volunteered" (meaning that you could call it that, but it wasn't really) at Hope Lodge, which is a place for people with cancer to stay while in Grand Rapids for treatments. Tonight I helped make a really yummy "breakfast for dinner" meal of waffles, eggs, sausage and fruit and then ate with the residents and their caregivers. After that, a bunch of us played a hilarious game of euchre. It went so well, a couple of us are going back on Saturday night to play more games. It is "easy" for me to go and "serve" in this way, but really it's a gift for me to be able to hang out with people talking about chemo, radiation, good days vs. bad days, and to reconnect with that part of my life when my dad was sick.

Not that I really want to remember that pain, but I know that I did not give my dad much grace during those years. It was hard on all of us, yes, but as a teenager struggling to forge my own identity, I didn't really take advantage of my dad's last years. So, in a way, it's healing for me to play cards with these people with cancer, because as a more mature young woman, I can offer the company that was so hard for me to give to my dad when he was sick. It makes me miss my dad, yes. But not so much that I can't go to Hope Lodge and have a good time. :)

Betsy

I've been busy in my life.

2009-01-18T13:12:00.002-05:00

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii and danced on a lava cliff with the roar of the Pacific below
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice <- I've BEEN to Venice... but no $ to ride the gondolas :(
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors <- I don't think landing in the Amsterdam airport counts...
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive in theater
55. Been in a movie <- Does BBC's version of Candid Camera count? ;)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I saw this on a friend's blog and decided to show off a bit. I've done a few of these ;)

Betsy

Out and about.... to New Mexico!

2009-01-09T18:35:00.002-05:00

Gone to Rehoboth. Be back in a week. :)

Love & Blessings

Betsy

PS. Don't forget about my other blogs!
http://mcc-rehoboth.blogspot.com
http://where-is-betsy.blogspot.com

The Cloister Walk, cont.

2009-01-08T20:20:00.006-05:00

I keep returning to this book; it's like a much needed conversation. I would consider Kathleen Norris a "literary mentor," something I take rather seriously. Her writing speaks to me in a quiet, easy way. Sitting here in Panera bread, with a coffee handy (although the dark blend is not my favorite) it's almost like she's sitting across from me, sharing anecdotes from her life and quietly looking into my eyes, waiting for me to make the connections.

I'm glad I had the chance to meet Ms. Norris. She doesn't look like an author, nor a benedictine oblate, nor anything else you might characterize her as. She's just a normal person. Her normality is almost as striking as the first time I saw a picture of Thomas Merton: he looked nothing like a monk. There are authors out there who glamorize themselves as authors-- or at least come off as something "other" than us, the reader. (To me, Lauren Winner comes off that way in person. She's been around Calvin a time or two for me to make that observation.) While I appreciate LW almost as much as KN or TM, she just doesn't make the cut into a rich readerly relationship. I wonder if anyone knows what I mean.

Kathleen Norris:

Thomas Merton:

Lauren Winner:

Disclaimer: I know that my pictures are rather biased, seeing as how I had the whole internet's worth to choose from. But these pictures still vaguely represent how I, their reader, sees them as when I relate to the text.

And yet, for all their necessary "ordinariness" of Norris and Merton, their lives have been truly extraordinary. Maybe it's because I'm fascinated with monastic life and communities, I don't know. But Kathleen Norris repeatedly talks about the "necessary other" which is intimately connected with the role of the prophet and poet. This "necessary other" is the one able to step out of the framework of society and take a long, hard look, and spell it out to the rest of us in prophecies and poetry. I have always been astounded by the astute clarity that Merton provides in his work No Man Is An Island, and I think this whole idea of the "necessary other" is what allows him to do that. Kathleen Norris, too, but in a way that straddles our world and the monastic community, bridging us at the most important points. If I were a Benedictine, I would probably get as much--or more-- out of what Norris has to say, and her reflections on the Christian calendar. Even though I've learned so much (about monasteries, about saints, about tradition, and about myself, too) there's something deeply meditative about her work that brings me to a level of Mystery. She walks with the reader like a guide to a Heavenly dwelling, saying "Look here. See this aspect of God's splendor? Let's stay a minute and let you take it all in." Then we move on, slowly, contemplatively. Every time I pick up one of their books, it's seeing tradition made new.

Merton talks about that, too. (I like to quote him, can you tell? I re-read him every year and then some, and bought that book in 2005!)
Tradition, which is always old, is at the same time ever new because it is always reviving—born again in each new generation, to be lived and applied in a new and particular way... Tradition is creative. Always original, it always opens out new horizons for an old journey... Tradition teaches us how to love, because it develops and expands our powers, and shows us how to give ourselves the world in which we live, in return for all that we have received from it. (N.M.I. 151)

This idea of tradition is manifested in their writings. It's a way of reviving something very old and very valuable, like monasticism, and making it relevant to a layperson like me.

Enough of praising these lovely writers. It's obvious I recommend them, isn't it?

I wish for company, though. For someone else to join me at this table who knows and respects Norris as I do, and to sit and talk about different aspects in this book and talk about the why behind it all. I want someone to take it all in with. I'm just a third through. It's a book to take in bits, over time, to mull over. There is a chapter that I have in mind for a Calvin prof or two to read--one that I think an Education program could learn a lot from. Even though it took a few tries to get into it, it comes more easily now. I was much too rushed before, I wanted plot or action, a story-- and it didn't seem to offer that. Now I see the stories are more like vignettes; little pictures of something larger and deeper and wider--past my readerly peripheral vision.

More later, I'm sure.

Another book read...

2009-01-06T22:14:00.002-05:00

A few minutes ago, I finished reading Multiple Blessings by Jon & Kate Gosselin.

What an amazing story! Definitely an easy read and if you've ever seen the show, it's fun to find out how everything began. :)

I'm still in the process of reading Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris. Such a good read! A favorite, for sure.

Headed Southwest...!!

2009-01-06T13:00:00.003-05:00

For the next week or so, I'll be updating on my travel blog (http://where-is-betsy.blogspot.com) so if you're not subscribed to that one, maybe you ought to be. ;)

Why am I updating on the travel blog? Because I'm traveling, of course! I'm headed out to Rehoboth, New Mexico!

I could say a lot of things about who I'm going with, why we're going, and things like that, but it would be redundant since all of that information is on the other blog (there are two entries about Rehoboth, the rest are from my internship in CA).

Please check it out, stay updated, and pray for us!

Betsy

Annual New Year's Post for 2009.

2009-01-01T12:54:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I got a chance to look back on four New Years blog entries from past years. (For some reason I'm missing a blog entry anticipating the year 2006- I'm almost positive one would have been written, but I can't seem to track it down.) Anyway. Reading these, especially reflecting on the ways I've changed and grown since I started doing this back in 2003, is partly a heart-wrenching ordeal, and partly celebration, since I can look back and say YES, God was faithful.

Some excerpts--

For 2004, predictions for the upcoming year (instead of resolutions):

1) my dads disease will be getting worse.
2) i predict that i'll be closer to God this year.
3) a lot of my friendships will be stronger this coming year.
4) i have a feeling that if my school stuff slipped this year, it's gonna slip even MORE next year. for whatever reasons.
5) i think i'll be a better writer this coming year.

(They all came true.)

For 2005, mostly a reflection on the past year and the death of my dad:

"it's coming down to me saying yes-- yes, 2004 was a great year in so many ways... and also heartbreaking, too. but this is the end. no! this is the beginning.   next year at this time, i can look back and see how things have changed. it'll be good for me, every year i do this and every year i'm amazed by the changes. it's a little disheartening to think that this is going to be my first year without my dad.... but it's also going to be a good year, too. yep, i know it. i can only move forward....
all and all---  jesus. friendship. travel. worship. breaking hearts. family. truth. coming together. living. joy."

For 2007, after returning from Scotland and facing reverse culture shock:

"I guess feel as though I'm stale, but I think it would be better to think of this point as stalemate. The dictionary defines it as "a situation in which further action or progress by opposing or competing parties seems impossible"....

Further action or progress seems impossible.

...I'm desperately in need of Grace. I kinda stink at transitions when I'm reluctant to let go." [I also included the lyrics for "When I Go Down-Relient K.]

For 2008, a prayer for Grace:

"Oh Lord, Plant the seed of Love in my heart. Teach me Acceptance-with-Joy and Bearing-the-Cost. Make my feet like the deers'. I sacrifice my will on these feeble altars. Be my Savior, and I will follow you wherever you go.

Pray for me as I walk hand in hand with both Sorrow and Suffering,"

So. Looking back, I think you can see with me the persistence a the theme of me needing Grace. And I have been given it in abundance. There is especially a stark contrast between me this year and where I was last year. Even in the last six months, I have become a stronger individual in every area. I am so grateful that people can change; that I could change. I have real freedom in Christ because of this.

This year is a final chapter in my life as a college student. It will be a story of finishing strong academically, of discovering what my first job of my teaching career will be, and of leaving home for good.

But it will also be a story of community, of new friendships made and old friendships held dear, of accomplishments and of disappointments. Pain is a non-negotiable part of any year, but so is growth.

When I wrote my post last year, I wanted change to come on quickly, for me to step into the person that I am now within days or weeks. But that didn't happen; it took a whole year. Change happens slowly. But God has been faithful and merciful. I can trust that His grace is sufficient for me. And it is sufficient for you.

My friends, may you grow in grace and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ this year.
To God be the glory, now and forever, now and forever, Amen.

Betsy

A preview of 2009...
January: Mission trip to Rehoboth!
February-April: Student teaching at Jenison High!
May: Walking in the Graduation ceremony... woohoo!
June-August: HOPEFULLY interning somewhere in Grand Rapids... and turning 22 :)
September-December: Last semester of college + graduation!

Fellowship of the Unashamed

2008-12-28T22:10:00.002-05:00

"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made- I'm a disciple of his. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. And, when he comes for his own, he will have no problem recognizing me. . . my banner will be clear" -Prayer known as the Martyred Zimbabwe Pastor's Prayer

A friend told me, earlier, "I love the fact that you get so easily amazed, and aren't ashamed to share with me." I don't know if he's just entertained by my enthusiasm about whatever it is I get started talking about (because this was after I described some amazing things I just saw on those Planet Earth documentaries, which are enough to take my breath away) or if he really does appreciate it ;) He's not intimidated by my big dreams and passion for whatever my future holds-- although some people are. Today my dreaming takes me somewhere around the world with a CRWRC 24-month Internship. It sounds exactly like something that I would love to/should do. It fits my heart and vocational goals like a glove. We'll see... :)

I think that I can echo the virgin mary by saying that i'm pondering all of these dreams in my heart; I have to let them sit.
But these dreams act as a kind of undercurrent to my life, shifted by the Holy Spirit, drawing me towards whatever future the dreams press towards. I need there to be movement, though. For a while, things were stagnant. I need to mix the pot every now and then and look back on all the dreams I've had and brainstorm some of the things I'd like to do. I like storing things in an "opportunities" folder, because even though I don't do many of them, they often act as stepping stones towards the things I actually DO act on!

Today's worship at MCC was wonderful. After singing a few great songs, a bunch of us headed over to Hope Lodge to prepare meals for the residents there. Many of the people staying there were home for the holidays, but it gave us plenty of opportunity to prepare SEVEN different things in the kitchen to put in the freezer for when they come back! It was good "family time" for MCC, and I got to know some of the ladies better that way :) I hope we do it again, it was fun!

The songs were appropriate, because most of them were about offering even in uncertainty. It's bugging me that I can't remember the song we sang right before "Enough"... it was so appropriate and I can't remember which one it was! The lyrics are on the tip of my tongue. Oh well :) It was the realization that what I want to do is besides the point, rather, it's about God wants to do with my life, and I need to follow His lead-- but also to take the initiative to do so.

On a somewhat different note:

The last few days, I have been more in tune with the way that everything is spiritual. It's like having a different set of eyes with which to see. Obviously everything is spiritual whether or not we're aware of it, but being aware--even for a while--is a fascinating thing.

I think this has been influenced significantly by the book that I'm reading right now, called The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris. It's a unique piece of literature-- as the Boston Globe puts it, it is "A strange and beautiful book. Part memoir, part meditation, it is a remarkable piece of writing. If read with humility and attention...[it] becomes lectio divina, or holy reading." My experience exactly. If you enjoy writing poetry, it is especially a treat.

Here is just one quote that I read today that illuminates the mystery of faith:

"[We should consider]...the notion that one might grow into faith much as one writes a poem. It takes time, patience, discipline, a listening heart. There is precious little certainty, and often great struggling, but also joy in our discoveries. This joy we experience, however, is not visible or quantifiable; we have only the words and form of the poem, the results of our exploration" (61).

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below,
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
AMEN!

Betsy Joy

I'm a dreamer who does.

2008-12-27T19:10:00.002-05:00

Two truths, two quotes, both on my facebook profile:

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do. -Sarah Ban Breathnach

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. ~Gilda Radner

At first glance, these truths/quotes seem incompatible. I'd say life needs to be a balance between these two. And on a long, rainy ride in the dark home from Kalamazoo in the backseat of my Saturn, I thought about my future.

I've been thinking about California almost every day. It's not hard to wish I were there with the weather we've been having. I also miss it when I talk to my close friends I have there. I miss the megacity, the diversity and the southern California culture, too.

But tonight I was thinking about how to get myself out there in a year from now; even as exact as twelve months from today. When I mention California (again) I see a look come over my mom's face that I can't quite read. I think that she's thinking Gilda Radner is probably right-- that there is so much uncertainty surrounding my future past graduation that who knows where I'll end up. I agree, somewhat, with that interpretation.

There's more to it, though. Here is what I'e been dreaming about-- My plans involve loading up my little Saturn car, or a Uhaul truck, and driving cross-country in a weekend. My imagination includes finding a room to rent (maybe with a family from the church I'd been a part of last summer) and at least a part-time job (I'm good with housekeeping) to get me going, with time for substitute teaching and getting involved with ministries. Sounds great, right? I have plenty of connections in that part of the country, so I'm really not worried.

So I think I can dream about moving to California, and I've found that when I follow my heart, God tends to already be there making a way for it to happen. Everything else is the "delicious ambiguity" and taking God-given opportunities as I go along. It has happened time after time after time again for me, starting when I was just a sophomore in high school and started dreaming about taking a school trip to the East Coast and never thought it would happen. But it did.

And then I started dreaming bigger, about taking a mission trip to Europe, but never thought it could happen. But it did.

On these dreams, I've gone to Yellowstone National Park for a summer, Scotland for a semester, and California for a church internship.

As I've dreamed bigger, so God has also taught me that no dream is too big for Him to put into action-- and each time I've found Him already there, working in my heart and life, teaching me all that I need to know.

When I discovered Thomas Merton, he confirmed my own epiphany; he's all about knowing who you are when it comes to which vocation you choose. Merton articulated everything I had been feeling about pursuing one's dreams. Here's just one quote from my favorite book, No Man Is An Island, that gets at this truth:

In planning the course of our lives, we must remember the importance and the dignity of our own freedom. A man who fears to settle his future by a good act of his own free choice does not understand the love of God. For our freedom is a gift that God has given us in order that He may be able to love us more perfectly, and be loved by us more perfectly in return. (132)

I consider it a tragedy when people fail to pursue the dreams that God Himself has planted into their hearts. It's never too late to become more fully yourself by going after something that seems impossible. In my own twenty-one years, I have lived well. I plan to continue living as a dreamer, as a doer, and as a dreamer who does.

To God be the glory,

Betsy Joy

These are a few of my favorite things...

2008-12-24T21:37:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas!

I am the luckiest aunt ever, because I have the cutest nieces and nephew ever! :) I finally got a decent picture with the three of them (this is the first -and only- try!) today on Christmas eve. We all celebrated with the triplets coming over and opening all kinds of presents and had a blast!! We all made out like bandits ;)

You know, (this is an afterthought to my original post) I couldn't love these three kids more if they were my own blood relatives. They're not-- their dad michael is my stepbrother from Jessey's first marriage-- but they are such a blessing. They are so full of life and of joyfulness and energy and fun that I don't know what any of us would do without them. All three of them. I miss my dad, but God has given me an abundance of Family, no doubt. I have a wonderful, caring stepdad, and michael and Jen are pretty great people, too. And they're willing to share their kids with my mom and I, which is far better than any Christmas present. The Lord gives and He takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord. He knows what He's doing.

Hope that you all have a wonderful and restful couple of days and make the most of spending time with your family and friends. After all, this is the season of remembering-- and celebrating when Love came to earth :)

Betsy

Three Cups of Tea

2008-12-21T21:36:00.003-05:00

Yep, I finished another book. :)

This last book, Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin, is really a most remarkable story. One guy commits to a promise to a poor village in Pakistan, Korphe, and actually follows through against all odds. He meets many interesting people along the way who help him achieve that goal-- and eventually, to reach the goal of opening dozens of school across both Pakistan and Afghanistan. And all of this is happening pre-9/11 and afterwards, which only complicates matters!

Mortenson ultimately challenges us to remember the refugee, the widows, and the orphans, and to give our hearts to those who need our help. His claim is that we can help promote peace with education, and as an aspiring teacher, I could hardly agree more :)

Go read this one! Really!

You can also visit: http://www.threecupsoftea.com/ for more information about the Central Asia Institute.

Betsy

Reading Endeavors Cont.

2008-12-20T21:19:00.002-05:00

Ahhhh... what a treat to have time to read. :)

I just finished Simply Christian by N.T. Wright. Pretty good read, especially as a reflection about what it means to be a Christian as we approach Christmas. It offers a pretty reformed perspective, I might add, but not overtly (as in it's not John Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion, although those are good too ;) haha)

Here's a good quote from the book:
(I know it's long, but it's an excellent summary! It also gives you a taste of Wright's style and tone.)

"When you see the dawn breaking, you think back to the darkness in a new way. 'Sin' is not simply the breaking of a law. It is the missing of an opportunity. Having heard the echoes of a voice, we are called to come and meet the Speaker. We are invited to be transformed by the voice itself, the word of the gospel--the word which declares that evil has been judged, that the world has been put to rights, that earth and heaven are joined forever, and that new creation has begun. We are called to become people who can speak and live and paint and sing that word so that those who have heard its echos can come and lend a hand in the larger project. That is the opportunity that stands before us, as gift and possibility. Christian holiness is not (as people often imagine) a matter of denying something good. It is about growing up and grasping something even better.

Made for spirituality, we wallow in introspection. Made for joy, we settle for pleasure. Made for justice, we clamor for vengence. Made for relationship, we insist on our own way. Made for beauty, we are satisfied with sentiment. But new creation has already begun. The sun has begun to rise. Christians are called to leave behind, in the tomb of Jesus Christ, all that belongs to the brokenness and incompleteness of the present world. It is time, in the power of the Spirit, to take up our proper role, our fully human role, as agents, heralds, stewards of the new day that is dawning. That, quite simply, is what it means to be Christian: to follow Jesus Christ into the new world, God's new world, which he has thrown open before us."

Two down! Next on my to-read list:
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

If you haven't noticed, I like to read a variety of books. This next one is a New York Times Bestseller, and is a true story about a guy who started schools in Pakistan. :)

46 Days of Reading

2008-12-19T11:58:00.002-05:00

Hello all.

Now that I have an unusually open schedule from now until February 1 for Christmas and Interim break, I'm going to attempt to read every day. I have dozens of books on my shelves that have never been read, or are demanding to be re-read. Being the avid speed-reader that I am, I'm going to make it my goal to read 12 books. If I can make it to that goal, then I'll add 5 more books to it. Altogether, I have 46 days, counting yesterday, and I already finished my first one. I'll keep you updated on what I'm reading and what I thought of the book.

Walk Two Moons (Sharon Creech)
Finished Dec. 18
I read this book as a middle school student years ago, and I remembered really enjoying it. So, when I saw it at Schulers in the used book section for 2.50, I couldn't resist. It was as good as I remember! The ending even made me cry. So if you're looking for an easy read or a recommendation to your younger readers, this is a great story of a young girl who discovers a lot about herself through the telling of the story of her friend. It's a story of dealing with pain, hope and of coming into one's own. :)

Currently reading: Simply Christian (NT Wright)
This book was given to me by a friend LAST Christmas... it's about time I read it. (And maybe my next read will be a book given to me by another friend TWO Christmases ago! Yikes!)

Merry Christmas! Stay warm!

Betsy

I want to take a journey.

2008-12-16T16:24:00.004-05:00

There's an ice-breaker question that I've been asked, and have since asked others:

If you could be a superhero, what powers would you have? What would be your fatal flaw?

For a long time now, my answer has been this: My power would be that I could go anywhere in the world that I wanted to at any moment that I wished-- but my fatal flaw would be that I could only go once.

Sometimes I feel like that happens already. Lately I've been reconnecting with some friends from around the world-- friends who live in Slovakia, Florida, California, Scotland, Taiwan--just to name a few. I long to be together with them again; to go out for coffee, to talk, to hug them and let them know that they are still so close to my heart.

I wish I had the time and money to take a trip around the world to do this. Not only would it be a grand adventure, but I would make sure to visit every person who I've come to know, wherever they are. But reality bites: I would have to leave them again. Not to mention that I would inevitably meet more people along the way, and my list of folks to visit would never end.

This must be what Paul felt like. No wonder so many of his letters take time to express how much he misses that particular church, and to send his greetings to certain people. I can only imagine how badly he wanted to travel just to revisit old friends, setting aside all ministerial motivations aside. It aches. It hurts.

The real estate in my heart reserved for the friends around the world stretches as far as the eye can see.

And yet, I'm blessed. I'm fortunate for things like email and Facebook to keep tabs on certain folks and keep their memory fresh. It's nice to know that they're thinking of me and to share prayer requests.

When we all get to Heaven, I can hardly wait to embrace those folks again and spend part of eternity hearing about their lives and what God has done. I remember first realizing the implications of Heaven and the reunion I can anticipate there. I was on the shore of Lake Yellowstone, near the end of the summer of 2006, watching the afternoon fade into evening. As I looked around at the faces I'd come to know and love, faces of people that shined radiantly in the Love of Christ, I ached knowing I might not see them again on this side of Heaven. But Heaven! Heaven! What a beautiful hope. In Christ, there is no goodbye.

Hallelujah!

betsy joy

Just a few of those I love who are now around the world...

Thanks, but no thanks!

2008-12-15T15:03:00.003-05:00

That's how I feel about exams. I was joking with a friend right before my phonetics exam about if only we could just tell the prof "Thanks for caring about our education, but I really don't think this exam is necessary. Thanks, but no thanks." I'm quite pleased to be done with Phonetics class. It was interesting, but I had a hard time with the listening/analysis-- especially since it was off an audio clip, so no facial expression/lip reading to help me out. I have a feeling that the pronunciations that I marked as "correct" are probably wrong, but I just didn't HEAR that they were. Oh well. That class is done. Forever! Yay! And I got a 90/100 on a project I could not have cared less about! ;)

On the upside, I only have two more days of this. Tomorrow will be the spent writing my biannual reflection on teaching (with an education/ish class every semester, we do a lot of papers about our futures as teachers) and about what makes a good (or bad) adolescent lit book a good (or bad) adolescent lit book. Pretty straightforward, both of them. And, considering my attitude towards the exams I have for today, I'm going to go so far as to admit that I'm looking forward to my sociolinguistics exam. (It helps that I got As on the last two tests.) VandeKopple is pretty amazing, and he makes the exams interesting. That reminds me-- he is hoping we can write limericks for the extra credit part... Haha.

I should mention that part of my aversion to my phonetics exam was that I got to Calvin at 8:20am for an exam that I thought was at 9am. Turned out that it was actually scheduled for 1:30pm. Oops. Well, it turned out to be a godsend, because not only was I fairly productive for those four extra hours, but the weather took a drastic turn for the worse. I would NOT have made it to Calvin in only 45 minutes if I had driven out at noon. I probably would have been going about 40mph, crawling along with nearly zero visibility. Right now I'm facing away from the window behind me so that I don't have to look at the blizzard outside. I hope I can make it back to Holland tonight, but I might be crashing at my cousin's or at a friend's. Blech.

Okay, I've procrastinated enough. For now. ;)

Betsy

All I want for Christmas...

2008-12-14T14:37:00.003-05:00

is you.

Basically, anyway. Advent Conspiracy (AC) has challenged me quite a bit this Christmas season. While I haven't really bought any gifts in the first place, I've bought the ones I have with more careful consideration than I would have. I'm looking forward to the get-togethers with family and friends; to really enjoy the relational aspect of what AC is about.

But I think what AC made me most aware of is the mentality of Christmas for everyone else. Meijer ads on the radio surprise me, because I'm expecting to hear an AC message. Have you heard them? There are a bunch of different voices, and they go something like "I don't want ______" or this or that. I'm in the radio thinking YES! That's exactly it! We need to stop giving pointless gifts! when it switches into the punch line about buying a Meijer gift card, so that your friends and family can get what they REALLY want, like a gerbil. Really. I was disappointed. I heard another one today that was similar--it starts off with a message that sounds like AC, but ends up being materialistic. I guess it just makes me sad. And a little frustrated. Makes me not want anything for Christmas at all. I want Christmas to be about joy and life and about the Incarnation of Glory. It's pretty powerful stuff.

More later, now I have to study for phonetics. (I can't wait to be officially done with the semester on Wednesday!)

Merry Christmas.

Bets

Farthest Shore

2008-12-12T23:32:00.002-05:00

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

2008-12-11T02:29:00.005-05:00

Time to Arise - Nelson Mandela

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It's our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela was a smart man. What he says in these few sentences is quite profound as Wednesday merges into Thursday and I discover I'm still up working on a project due later today. It's pretty easy to get discouraged around this time of the year; all the "what-ifs" come back to haunt me as compromises between projects and commitments are made left and right in order to finagle the way through to the end.

But who am I not to be brilliant? Gorgeous? Talented? Fabulous? It's not that I deserve to be any of those things-but God has made me to be more than what I often expect of myself. It's enough to make me smile. And cringe, knowing that Mandela and Thomas Merton both have a thing or two to speak into my life.

I feel as though I am treading carefully across an enormous web of friendships. I'm making my way along, finding out who means what to me, who to let go of and accept closure with, which acquaintances I need to pursue, and who to continue to hold on dearly. The tension between each individual is high (although most don't know each other) as many are vying for my time and attention. It's complicated.

I think I'm especially paying attention to these connections as I prepare to move off-campus, likely this very afternoon (Thursday). I'm trying to consciously give myself some continuity (or I would go crazy) by staying at MCC in the coming weeks/months. But there are so many friends that I've made here during my years at Calvin who will be graduating in May and moving on to their future careers-- and I may not run into them again. For the most part, I'm okay with that. I've come to terms with loss on many levels from all of the experiences I've had moving around and through death. I'm grateful for a reunion in Heaven, let's just put it that way.

In the book Wednesday Wars by Gary Schmidt, Mrs. Baker points out to Holling Hoodhood (through an example from Shakespeare) that growing up means learning to establish yourself in ways other than what people around you try to define you. In Saturated Self (a book I had to read for History of North American Media), Gergen illustrates that technology has played a significant role in the ways we define ourselves by adding to the sheer number of voices bombarding us daily. But here I am, trying to strip that all away. I want to come to grips with who I am, with whoever Betsy Joy actually is.

Can I actually believe that my presence, that my being me, can liberate others? Do I believe that I can "manifest God" to others?

First Corinthians chapter 13:11-13 says this:
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [wo]man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The idea of a seeing myself mirror has always been fascinating to me. On occasion I catch myself by surprise, thinking "Is that really me?" I have a hard time putting the abstract mental self into a physical body. It's easy to concentrate on one or the other, but looking at myself in a mirror is like trying to pull together two selves that may or may not mesh. On any given day, I may feel gorgeous, but not talented. I may feel brilliant, but not gorgeous. Rarely do I feel absolutely fabulous, when all of those adjectives are rolled up into one.

Myself in a Mirror (Summer 08)

I don't pretend that I'm right in this, but maybe what Nelson and Paul's comments have in common is this: I am fragmented. Because I am a fallen human being, I can't see myself the way God sees me. Without divine grace, I cannot live my life the way Mandela describes it, in fearlessness. As I'm coming to terms with my identity as an adult, or as a teacher rather than student, I'm making transitions from talking and thinking and reasoning like a child to talking/thinking/reasoning like an adult. And all of that allows me to come face to face with a different sort of reality. Instead of this mirror image sensation, with the dichotomy I feel when I try to reconcile my inner life with my outer life, I will come to see myself the way God sees me. Because "now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known [by my Heavenly Father]."

Nelson Mandela ends with a noble truth: "We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Paul reminds us again: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The way to accomplish Mandela's words is with Paul's. With Faith. And with Hope. And of course, with Love. Without these, we won't be getting very far in exuding God's glory in our lives.

May you see yourself today not in part, but in whole, as God sees you.

Betsy

PS. Here's one more "mirror image" that definitely encapsulates a moment of brilliance, beauty, talent and fabulousness... if not also a little embarrassing (sorry Kim & Jessie, haha!) Enjoy! ;)

Reduce me to Love, Lord.

2008-12-07T14:12:00.004-05:00

It is a beautiful Sunday--on so many levels.

As I drove to church this morning, the sunshine made the snow glitter.
Worship was wonderful at MCC this morning; especially as we sang "In Christ Alone" and "Be Thou My Vision" during Communion.
I felt my heart bursting with joy and delighted in seeing so many people I have come to know and love in such a short time.
The potluck afterwards was delicious. So was the peppermint ice cream I had for dessert!
Then, for our Rehoboth meeting, I felt filled with excitement and anticipation for the trip, eager to see what the Lord would do. In our prayer time, I had this song in my head-- especially the last part.

Hosanna

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.

Also, last night I went ice skating at Rosa Parks Circle for the first time! It was incredible. The snow and skating and Christmas music was almost too wonderful for words. It was a holy moment for me.

I think in my last post I mentioned that I wanted to embrace this time of advent with joy and to really enjoy the next few weeks. That has been happening. Call me too optimistic, but it IS possible to love the Church and everything She is, despite all of our human shortcomings regarding Her. It IS possible to be filled with peace even as our world tumbles down. It IS possible to fully understand the Reason for the Season. It IS possible to have Hope.

Blessings,

Betsy

One more song-- where the title of the post comes from. It's called "Bring the Breaking":

Bring the breaking in me
Reduce me to love
Let Your life now be lived through me
And the walls come down

Bring the breaking
Please bring the breaking

Jesus, be my one desire
Purify me with holy fire
Let my life bring glory to Your name
Please change my heart
And make me more like You

Tis the Season

2008-12-02T19:38:00.002-05:00

It's December.

Well, I know you know it's December, but I can't believe it's already here. This semester flew by! I'm counting down the days left of class (7) and the number of papers (2) and projects (2) take-home finals (2) and exams (3). Not a bad collection of numbers, if you ask me. My roommates are in for a much busier last couple of weeks, so I'm feeling fortunate.

My Thanksgiving break was lovely. It was kind of strange to be with ALL of my siblings at once-- changes the dynamics a bit! But we enjoyed each other's company and played a lot of games of "Ticket to Ride" :) My niece, Julia, is also growing quickly. She's a pretty funny, sweet girl with a lot of energy! She has a hilarious laugh, too. She's quite the handful for Zach and Jane, and with another one the way, it's only going to be more interesting! Haha.

One of the coolest parts of the weekend was Sunday morning-- my brother, Zach, was ordained as a pastor of the Christian Reformed Church (at Immanuel CRC in Fort Collins). This is an exciting thing for all of us. I'm very proud of him, and he did a wonderful job preaching, too. It seems that the congregation is warm and welcoming towards him, so everything is a good fit! :) I was about 11 when my dad was ordained, so it's amazing to be able to see my brother be ordained, too!

I'm looking forward to being done with this semester and preparing for student teaching-- just 9 weeks from today! But I'm also excited about Christmas and Advent. It was wonderful to take time to enjoy Thanksgiving this year, and I hope to do the same about Advent.

Well, I need to review scansion and prosody for my lit terms test this week-- but have a blessed week!

Thanksgiving Eve

2008-11-26T17:55:00.003-05:00

About fifteen minutes ago, I put on my coat and shoes and, mitten-less, I clutched the ten pages or so in my hand as I briskly walked the five minutes over to the DeVos building. I kept my eyes on the lights still on in the building, hoping it was open despite that campus had pretty much cleared out for Thanksgiving break. I stepped through the doors with ease, and with a surge of energy hiked up the stairwell and down a long hallway to that professors' office. I slid the completed project into the box on her door, double-checked again that it was in fact her office, and turned on my heel to head home.

Feeling a sense of relief that I haven't felt in weeks, the rush of cold air actually felt refreshing. For the first time I noticed the beautiful sunset. I noticed the stars peeking out through the seams of the dark sky. The sight summoned gratefulness out of my heart.

This poem by e.e. cummings suits the moment perfectly. (I found it on another blog recently. I happen to love e.e. cummings, and this poem actually makes "sense" compared to others! ;)

Enjoy.

who are you

who are you,little i

(five or six years old)
peering from some high

window;at the gold

of November sunset

(and feeling:that if day
has to become night

this is a beautiful way)

- ee cummings

A pause.

2008-11-24T15:02:00.002-05:00

It's days before Thanksgiving; just like every year, I'm swamped with things to do. Kind of unfortunate that it works that way because it makes the holiday seasons even more stressful. Thanksgiving Break is often just the gulp of air before going back under to get everything else squared away.

That's why, even though I have a phonetic transcription to finish before Wednesday and a hundred or so more literary terms to learn and a nine-week-syllabus to finish designing, I'm pausing from it all to write a bit here. (I promise this is different than procrastination! Procrastination was when I suddenly had a strong desire to load the dishwasher instead of sit down with my transcriptions. Ha.)

Because it does happen to be Thanksgiving this week, and I have more than enough to be thankful for to warrant a day off to celebrate them. At this particular moment, I'm feeling warm, well-fed, clean and happy. I'm sitting in my favorite chair, which faces the large slider doors and the falling snow outside. And I'm listening to my favorite Christmas album (City on a Hill: It's Christmas Time) which I've had since middle school --and highly recommend.

And even though it has been a pretty stressful semester, 17 credits and all, but it flew by. I can't believe I have just ten days left of class (and three more of exams)--and then six weeks off! :) Yay for no interim requirements! The MCC Rehoboth, NM trip is right around the corner. A long week of sunshine will surely be a welcome relief after a bleak midwinter.

By the way, I almost forgot to write about the baptism that I witnessed this past Sunday. It was a unique baptism because the little girl's parents requested that water be poured over her while she stood in a metal tub. When I first heard this was the case, I wasn't sure how well it would "work," and it was pretty funny to see her stripped down to a bright bathing suit as one of our pastors described why we celebrate baptism.
But as little Ruthie stood there in the basin, supported by her parents holding each of her hands, head bowed down as the lukewarm water poured over her, it was like seeing baptism for the first time. It was just stunningly beautiful. When she lifted her little head and looked out at us with bright eyes, not making a sound or even looking remotely upset, I wanted to capture that moment.
Pastor Amy stood behind her and gave the blessing, and then her parents wrapped her up in a blanket, and all of her family and friends surrounded them with presence and prayer. Beautiful.
(You can imagine that it wasn't difficult for us, the congregation, to promise to help Ruthie grow up in the Lord! She won all of our hearts!)

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
OH, and if you haven't, be sure to look at the video posted earlier on my blog! Let it be an inspiration for a relationally-based holiday season. :)

Betsy

Advent Conspiracy

2008-11-23T17:40:00.002-05:00

What is YOUR Christmas giving going to look like this year?

Try relational giving instead. Spend less money, but give MORE in other ways. :)

Betsy

Some thoughts.

2008-11-18T16:18:00.003-05:00

I wish I knew how to write letters. You know, the kind of letters that they used to write; Jane Austen, Shakespearean-type letters that don't just ramble on about the weather. Letters rich with metaphor and emotion. I wonder if our technology age has deprived us from that-- We're in such a hurry to communicate that we don't take the longer route. I wish Calvin had a letter-writing interim class. I can just see it: examining famous letters (letters from wars, love letters, persuasive letters...), discussing what makes them work and writing a few of our own. It would be interesting as well to consider a few of Paul's letters as what they are-- not specifically as biblical scripture, but as actual letters. Would that/could that change (or deepen) our understanding of what his message is?

The reason I bring it up is because a friend from California tried to call me, but seeing as how his phone died and the three hour difference doesn't help much for convenience, before the call got dropped he asked me to write him a letter and quickly gave me his address. Since then, I've been trying to figure out how to approach this whole letter-writing business. I want it to be conversational, but my form of conversation is deeply affected by instant messenger. Can't help it. (And I'm even one of those people who still uses whole words spelled correctly with proper grammar and punctuation!) At any rate, I'm going to keep trying. I want to believe that the letter is an old, rich art form that is worth reviving.

In other news, I'm busily wrapping up another semester of school (can't believe how quickly it flew by!) and anxiously preparing/looking ahead to student teaching beginning in February. I'm also eagerly anticipating a missions trip with MCC to Rohoboth, New Mexico. It's just around the corner in January but I can't wait! :) Welp, I better finish up my reading for my night class. I would recommend The Saturated Self, actually, to anyone who is fascinated by the way language and lexicon affects society.... Not that you all think about it as often as I've been thinking about liguistics lately! :)

Blessings.

Betsy

Thoughts?

2008-11-16T22:44:00.001-05:00

No legacy is so rich as honesty.

- William Shakespeare

White as Snow

2008-11-03T17:10:00.003-05:00

White as snow, white as snow
Though my sins were as scarlet
Lord, I know, Lord, I know
That I'm clean and forgiven

Through the power of Your blood
Through the wonder of Your love
Through faith in You
I know that I can be
White as snow

These words have been going through my mind all day. :) We sang them at church yesterday. I love Sundays. I can hardly wait to go to church every week! Can't get enough! :)

It was so beautiful earlier today, and instead of taking a walk I ended up napping instead--for over two hours! I was tired! But talking to a couple of my friends in California was so worth it. I miss Samia and Jen so much. They are such good friends, even three time zones away. I want to go and visit so badly! But money is a huge issue.

I feel like I've been at Calvin forever. I'm ready to be off campus next semester by student teaching and living at home. It'll be interesting, at any rate. There are a lot of people I'll miss, of course, but no one stays put forever. I won't be far from the educational scene, either, being a teacher. What I love about schools in general is what I'll always have.

I'm going to get reading the next novel-- probably about the 8th one I've read this semester for Adolescent lit! Gotta love being an English major...

Betsy

November.

2008-11-01T20:48:00.002-04:00

Four years ago today was my dad's burial and memorial service.

Miss you, daddy.

I miss Dad.

2008-10-28T10:19:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it feels much longer than four years; each year since seems like ages ago, let alone thinking about four. (And yet it kind of surprises me, too. It didn't take much for me to get to this point, after all. I've just been living.)

Last year, I was living in KH. I put a picture up on a wall of him.
The year before that, I was in Scotland. That was a strange year. Only one or two people there really knew what that day meant to me. It was a bit surreal to miss him and think about him when I was on the other side of the ocean from where everything happened.
The year before that I was a freshman at Calvin. I didn't know what to do or what to think. But a lot of people knew and I think that helped. Something about telling your story makes it real and valid.

So I guess that's why I feel such a need to keep telling it. (Someday I'll actually get around to writing a book... but as Frederick Buecher warned me, you don't ever really stop needing to tell it.)

This year, I miss my dad with a different kind of grief. I miss him with a different kind of maturity. The last four years have given me distance to see him as an adult and not as a teenage girl. I have a deeper respect for him and for his life. I can appreciate, now, what others have told me about him without immediately reacting (internally) "but you never saw the other side of him; what the cancer did to him, what we saw at home."

But there IS that side of things too, to remember. I spent a long time this weekend re-reading my blog from those couple of years. It was like reading about someone else's life. I almost felt intrusive, actually, like I shouldn't have been reading such personal thoughts--and yet they had been mine. Shame? Not quite. But grief all the same. I read into my own depression, grateful to see me come out of it after a few months, worried when I saw myself start to slip again-- four years have given me objectivity and a sense of what others must have felt like watching me.

The pain is still real, however; I actually started to feel the same things that my blog captured back then. That was a bit scary. That was the point that I wanted to pull away from reading, but I couldn't resist. It was addicting, but I could feel myself spiraling downward with my past self. (I'm recovered, don't worry.) I was able to email many of those old posts to myself and archive them in a safer place, too, so that I have access to the poetry I'd written back then. That part was worth it.

I'm headed back to Holland today, to see my mentor and have lunch with her, and also to visit the cemetery. It will be a good thing for me to do, especially since I have today off for Academic advising. (As a side note, I'm officially registered for my student teaching placement!) It will be good to remember.

And there is so much to remember.

Finally, on a day like today, here's a hymn to hold close.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Refrain

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Refrain

[Great] Expectations

2008-10-27T17:52:00.002-04:00

I had a conversation with a friend last night about expectations. He told me that he doesn't have expectations for anything or anyone. Something about that statement was unsettling, and I've been trying to put my finger on it since.

I wonder if "not having expectations" could even be true. I'd challenge him on that, because I think we all have expectations whether or not we'd admit it. (For instance, if someone says they don't have any expectations for marriage, I'd read that to mean that they pretty much expect their marriage to fail. If someone has no expectations for a future, on the one hand it may mean they're open to anything, but how can they become better people if they don't expect to grow and change?)

What does it cost us to not have any expectations in a friendship or relationship? Trust, I'd guess. If you can't expect another person to call, or to hold up their end of things, how can you trust them? Either that or you develop apathy. Neither sounds like a very happy place to be.

There are risks with expectations that are too high, though. Then again, there are risks inherent in any expectations. But to abolish expectations altogether? I think that person would be resisting hurt, which is obviously impossible. C.S. Lewis reminds us that:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." (from The Four Loves)

So what does it mean to have expectations, especially as a Christian? What does God expect of us? (Micah 6:8 applicable?) How do we develop healthy expectations for ourselves and towards others? Can we live with no expectations, or will we run into problems?

Any thoughts?

2008-10-26T21:44:00.002-04:00

I wrote this poem four days before my dad passed away.

Terminal restlessness

His eyes see blue skies.
Must be nice; this morning's rainstorm
didn't help anything. There he goes again,
struggling to get up out of bed.
Where are you going, Dad?
Home.

10/24/04

I wrote this one when I went to buy my last father's day card for him.

card shopping

see me standing helplessly
in front of rows and rows of bright, cheerful
fathers day cards. struggling to find one that fits,
i glance inside one. no, absolutely not.
humor simply isn't appropriate, yet
anything too sentimental hurts more.
the rows and rows of friendly greeting cards
begin to blur as i fight back tears-- but see me
still try to find a single card with
which to say good-bye.

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself.

2008-10-25T22:25:00.003-04:00

Watching Finding Neverland made me cry. No one told me that the boys in the story lose BOTH of their parents. When the final credits appeared, I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Something about that last scene: the "I see her," did me in. I needed to hear my dad's voice. So I listened to his sermon on my computer about hope.

And then I looked for things I've written about him on my computer, and couldn't find any. So I went back to my blog-- my first Xanga-- and started browsing the archives. At first I could hardly stand my ridiculous high school drama writing style, but then I could see a change in my writing as I found an authentic voice; poetry emerged that I can't match even today.

And then started the emotional journey, following the highs and lows of late 2003 and into 2004. I forgot about so many things; there are details about PSA counts, having fluid in his lungs, the weakness and complaints of pain. I saw the depression again. There's some reliving of the past in reading those posts; I ache for the self that had become so lost in grief. It's hard to read them.

Yet there's something about the routine of reading these things year after year, with the anniversary or holidays, that needs to be done. I have to remember. I don't have a choice. And I don't want to forget or lose these things. Each post that talks about my dad somehow I email to myself, so that I have it and can do a simple search for these things instead of paging through looking for the poetry.

But I could really use a hug.

Betsy

Here is an example of a poem I wrote in high school (not one of my best)

[Thursday, December 11, 2003]

look. see that girl in the long white dress?

holding onto her father's arm?

that's the person i almost was.

her father's hair is combed back,

yet streaked with lighter hairs,

but walks proudly with a long stride.

mine... my father has grey chemo hair, matted and thin.

his steps are slow and short, while he pauses to catch his breath.

a year, maybe. maybe longer, perhaps shorter.

he will never see a church dressed in candlelight,

a young woman and a young man comitting their lives to eachother...

no. that is just a dream, one that we both had when i was young,

but as unrealistic as a fish growing wings.

yes, see that girl with her father?

that's the girl i almost was.

Write to Think.

2008-10-25T12:43:00.002-04:00

Some people think to write, but I write to think. In other words, I have no idea what this post will be about; I write in order to find out what's going on in my head.

So today I went to Real Food Cafe (highly recommended) and caught up with an old friend, Seth K., over breakfast. He went to Alaska with his family this past summer for an extended roadtrip and had a bunch of great stories about it. I was actually pretty jealous! And we talked about my summer, too, and a little about the school year. I'm really glad this guy and I are still friends, since we worked together last Fall and then I didn't see him much spring semester.

Speaking of friends, I'm so glad that Debbi and I continue to be good friends. We have been since, oh, 8th grade or so, depending on how you look at it. She's living across the hall from me this year--conveniently enough, and totally unplanned!--which is funny since we'd been roommates for nearly 3 years before now. :) She and I were laughing about the good ol days and reminiscing about freshman and sophomore years in the dorms, hehe... It's good to have long term friends.

While I was going through emails in an old email account, however, I ran across some contacts that are close to my heart but I haven't talked with them for a long time. That was a bit sad. I still remember standing on the shores of Lake Yellowstone in the summer of 2006 and realizing how significant Heaven had become to me simply in the way we shall all be reunited. Until then, I didn't really have that deep longing. I have friends literally all over the world, many who I've come to know but won't see again, and I hope and pray I'll see them in Heaven soon. I miss them.

Isn't it strange, though, how we make such an effort to stay alive? My friend Eric N. (my ex) and I went out for drinks the other night and talked about how we always sing about going to Heaven "soon and very soon" in church, and yet we all spend thousands of dollars maintaining our health and staying alive and fighting cancer. It's not a contradiction since God calls us to make good use of our time here, and yet it seems like one all the same. It's hard to know sometimes how to respond to those types of questions.

The other day I watched The Kite Runner and I found the scene of Amir's father's death moving. It startled me a little bit because I had a moment of anxiety about death, about how strange it is and how little we know. (Shouldn't death be considered the final frontier? Literally, lol, no pun intended--rather than outer space?) And then when I sing "In Christ Alone" and it's being played well, I almost always get tears in my eyes at the last two verses. I think of my dad entering Glory when I sing the words: "Then bursting forth/ In glorious day," which is usually accompanied by a great drumroll, and I have this image of light bursting with brightness and my dad walking out of his aged, cancerous body into a new one. (I know the verse is talking about Christ, but it is also true for us, I believe.) And then, of course, the final verse:
"No guilt in life/ No fear in death/ This is the power of Christ in me/ From life's first cry/ To final breath/ Jesus commands my destiny/ No power of hell/ No scheme of man/ Can ever pluck me from his hand/ Till he returns/ Or calls me home/ Here in the power of Christ I stand"

What's absolutely incredible is that I sang this song hours after I found out my dad died, in Friday Hymnsing at Calvin. I sang it with my best friends and my mom, with tears pouring down our cheeks as we celebrated my dad's life and his new life in Heaven. That's one of my strongest memories, ever. The song lines "Sorrow and Love mingled down" captures it perfectly for me.

My heart skipped a beat while I was thinking about this, and my throat got a little choked up. The anniversary of his death is next Tuesday--October 28--and I'm going back to Holland for the day. I'll be having lunch with my mentor, Heidi D., and visiting the cemetery. I miss my dad. A lot. Although that part of my life seems so surreal-- it happened, but my life is so different now.

And yet, going to the wedding Sunday was hard for me. Especially when Jeremiah, Ben and Michael? sang "It is well with my soul" and I had just been thinking about that in relation to my dad. Jordyn was fortunate to have her grandfather around to walk her down the aisle, but I don't know what I'll do. I've thought for a long time that I would simply walk down by myself. I wish I could have my father-daughter dance. It's like those brides who have their father take it for granted, when those who can't have their daddy there long for it more than anything. Maybe. I don't know.

It IS well with my soul, however. I loved my daddy, and I miss him, but I have his inheritance: my love for ministry and for the church. That was a gift that the Holy Spirit imparted to me that I simply cannot shake off. Not that I really want to.

I have so many people I love. So many who are not here; and yet we have a hope for Heaven. (How good to discover that these are the things in my mind and in my heart right now!)

Blessings, friends. Blessings near and far.

Betsy

I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God.... :)

2008-10-19T21:43:00.008-04:00

I know I already posted today... but one more thing.

I've been thinking more about Monroe Community Church and what it has meant to me in the past six weeks. I would definitely consider it my church home and everyone there my church family.

Not only does it feel wonderful to be connected on Sunday mornings, and increasingly connected during the week, something else has changed too. It startled me to realize it.

For the first time for as long as I can remember, I am content with living in Michigan.

And it's all because of MCC!

If you know me, this is significant. I have itchy feet syndrome; I can never stay in one place long without feeling anxious to travel again. I also have said countless times that I have no emotional attachment to Michigan. (Which is still probably true, but...) I feel as though I'm engaging in genuine community for the first time in all the years I've lived in Michigan.

I've found my place in a genuine, warm and welcoming community before;
the first time was when I showed up at Glasgow WestEnd Vineyard Church my first Sunday in Scotland and continued to be a part with them for the whole fourteen weeks. I felt like family immediately and my heart is still with them. I often think of them on Sunday mornings, especially during the sacrament of communion. It was there that I started to appreciate diversity within the church, because we had so many people from so many nations.

I also found it when I was in Southern California this past summer. Again, I was immediately immersed in that same kind of Spirit-led, warm embrace of a healthy church community. I learned so much about what it means to belong and yet also about to take part in and step up to leadership.

So here I am, in Grand Rapids, finding it right where I couldn't find it before. Something deep in me, an ache or a longing, has somehow been satisfied. Not to say that MCC doesn't have its flaws or areas of growth-- but it's my church now. I still remember when some girls from Calvin visited, and I recognized them and said "Hey! Welcome to my church!" without even thinking about it. :)

But what's different? Besides the fact that I had never been to MCC before this year, a few things stand out:

1. I actually love the Church, so I can love this church.
--> Jubilee Fellows was influential in this. I've grown more in love with Christ's Church and have come to see her as a beautiful creation, and yet I understand how we often miss the mark as the Body. It really is a relationship between us (as individuals) and the Church, and between Christ and the Church.

2. I'm committed to MCC-- right now and in the near future.
--> Besides the fact that church hopping is exhausting, I had such good experiences with picking a church and sticking with it for 10+ weeks. Even though Rosewood was in a way involuntary, it still worked the same-- you learn to love a place and grow with a church if you plan on staying around for a while. Right before I left California, I made a list of goals for myself to do once I came back to Michigan. Finding a church home for the year was one of them, and in parentheses right above it was "Monroe Community Church???" Little did I know that God would have been planning so much for me.

3. I'm serving, investing and networking.
--> Networking is something I learned the value of when I was in Scotland, although at first it was out of sheer necessity. It was either find people or be lonely for 4 months. I learned the immense value of remembering someone's name and talking to visitors because they knew who I was and took care of me, which makes being in a small church a plus! So I'm learning to do the same. Serving is important, because it allows opportunities to surface that weren't there before. Teaching and helping with SFN at Rosewood was huge for this. So many of my good friends in Bellflower and also at MCC are in leadership somehow-- and that is a wonderful type of person to surround yourself with. Investing is a little different, because it's focused on the future. It's asking the question "how can this community grow?" and taking initiatives to be a part of that change. For instance, I'm going to Rehoboth, New Mexico, next January with MCC, and I'm already hoping to get involved with some of the planning and leadership.

4. ?????? Something to do with my heart & God's call.
--> I don't know how to explain this last bit. What's different than the places I've been to before is that God has brought me to MCC for a reason, or for many reasons. If you could plot the last year of my life on a continuum, you'd see a drastic contrast and drastic growth between my faith from October of 2007 to now. I see now what a state my heart and faith had been, and how joyless I was when it came to the precious love of Jesus. After a very healing summer internship, in which I regained some social skills in engaging with community and how to surround myself with healthy Christians, what I needed most was a place to continue that. God brought me to MCC, and I've found exactly that: a place to continue growing. That's why I have never felt so at home in Michigan until now.

And that's also why, even though I suspect that when I graduate in Dec'09 I'll be moving out of state, if God called me to stay in GR for a little longer, I wouldn't mind in the least bit. :)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him, all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts!
Praise Father, Son & Holy Ghost!
Amen.

Just a tiny glimpse-- a few "family photos" of MCC.

I love that in the short time (6 weeks!) I've been at MCC, I've been out to eat with people after church a few times, i've been to a birthday party, a stamping party, a wedding, and a small group movie event; i've also gone kayaking and played an intense game of pingpong in the sanctuary; not to mention that i brought snacks one sunday and helped with hospitality, helped out with harvestfest, and babysat for the pastors' kids and i'm planning on going on a mission trip with them. Whew! I've been busy! :D

It is well with my soul.

2008-10-19T19:30:00.004-04:00

Today was a gift. I have a deep happiness right now, a restful kind.

I was honored to go to a wedding today for a couple of friends of mine. I know them through Monroe Community Church, and Eric W. asked if I'd go with him. The wedding ceremony itself was beautiful, Jordyn and Dan are so clearly in love, and Dan even got choked up when reading the vows he'd written. So sweet. :)

Me with the bride and groom :)

The reception was at The Bob, which was such a cool place to have a party!! The appetizers were yummy and the music was great. One thing that was so amazing, though, was when a few of the guys sang "Peace Like a River/It is well with my soul." I couldn't believe they sang it; just this morning I had been singing it to myself. Going to a wedding in October is a little hard when I miss my dad so much, but that song is a comfort. I had a deep feeling that I'd be hearing it again, and half expected it to be on the radio on the way to church or to sing it at MCC. I definitely didn't expect to hear it, seemingly out of the blue, at the reception! Something about it was deeply confirming for me, though I can't quite place why. It just gave me peace and freedom to just be.

It was so wonderful to see the sunset tonight, too. It seemed to echo the refrain once more:

It is well (it is well)
With my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well,
with my soul.

A quote to ponder

2008-10-15T19:39:00.002-04:00

I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.
--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This quote, first found on a friend's blog, fascinated me. The word "stories" jumps out at me, especially as I'm taking a Teaching of Writing course and have been doing a lot of thinking about writing and stories, especially when it comes to developing student voices.

Some questions I thought of:
What does it mean to "let stories happen to you"? Is this easy or hard to "let" them happen? What do you have to do for this to be possible?
The speaker says to "work with them." How can writing your story do for you? For others?
The phrase "Water them with your blood and tears and laughter" is pretty profound. What imagery does it evoke in your mind?
How does the metaphor "Till they bloom" affect how you read this quote?
What do you think the speaker means when she says "Till you yourself burst into bloom"?
What other features of this quote are effective or memorable? What makes it inspirational?

(As a side note, this particular woman is fascinating in herself. I'm fairly certain that I encountered her book Women Who Run with the Wolves in a feminist studies class at a community college in Illinois when I visited a friend there. Here's her biography via Wikipedia)

I think my Sequenced Writing Assignment might just be taking a different twist now.

Betsy

October. Again.

2008-10-07T23:59:00.000-04:00

This part of the year sucks, on so many levels.

(As if midterms and papers and general stress wasn't enough,
my heart aches for the dad who should still be around. I miss him.)

Prayers, please.

Edit::

Okay, let's expand on that a little more.

October is hard, because the anniversary of my dad's death is not a single event, as a car accident might be. His death, after all, was long and drawn out; he was dying for much longer than the moment he died. That means that October is really an anniversary more than just October 28. And if we're talking technicalities, my grieving began sometime in March five years before that, and the fact that I didn't even know he had died until the next day, or that the funeral was November 1. There are lots of reasons that the anniversary is a broad concept.

For some reason, I had it stuck in my head that four years ago, October 7 must have been a transitional day for my family. I have no idea if that's true or not, but it could be. This "random" day could represent the randomness of his sudden turn for the worse. I unexpectedly found myself coming home for lunch and staying home for the rest of the day. School became secondary to home life, and I skipped more days that month than were even allowed for in any other circumstance. I remember having to drive to Family Fare in the middle of the day to pick up a pain reliever for my dad because we had run out; driving past my high school to get there, with my mom's credit card and instructions on which type to get, was a moment of growing up. All of my peers were in English class or math class or doing homework in study hall-- and there I was, grappling with mortality, grief, and the inevitability of loss. And yet I had to do it with strength and dignity. Time blurs together, so I don't quite remember if it was before or after having to pick up pain meds, but I also remember having Pastor Todd come over to review the plans for the memorial service. I remember my dad was sitting in the big brown recliner, placed next to the stairs (why there?) with a chair pulled up alongside for Todd. My dad carefully went through all of his handwritten notes that he'd prepared for this very occasion-- scripture passages, songs, and other notes about who would do which parts--the family joke is that my dad would have even written his own message if he'd had enough time. I remember being there, watching that, being in a surreal state of mind. This couldn't really be happening, after all.

And yet it was. I'm still haunted by the physical appearance of my dad's body near the very end; the deterioration to a state of infancy. The transparency of his skin, the sparse gray hair, bones prominent in his arms and ribs. The single white tshirt he wore underneath a sheet while sleeping long hours in the hospital bed in the living room. Hospice coming in regularly, speaking in low tones about how long he may or may not have left.

And then there are the humorous moments; playing settlers of catan at the dining room table for hours with my siblings as we watched and waited together. It was a time of bonding-- I don't know that we've ever spent that much time together since.

But there were heartbreaking moments every day, signs of death at every hour. The realization that my dad would no longer eat another meal the day my mom had to quietly explain to my grandma that no, dewey would not be having any soup. The courage it took for people to come and see us, to see him. Terminal restlessness-- a euphemism for literally going crazy.

Time is a strange thing. I'd never been so convinced of it until after that month. Time crept by, it was standstill. All life on earth stopped while our family waited silently for death to perform his duty. Never has my life seemed to be so disproportionate time-wise. Those three or four weeks might as well have been years. How to explain it? Time is not regular intervals, something that is quantified. It is only qualitative.

I suppose that's what October is still for me-- a time that stops and waits for death to come. I find myself anticipating the 28th with some trepidation. Each day is a pilgrimage to the memories I have of my dad-- both of his healthy life and of the struggles in my family during his sickness.

I hate the remembering--but I must. I can't look away; it's intrinsic to who I am. Which is why I must keep telling my story. It's why I still hunger for this to resolve itself in a book. Maybe then my anxious writerly heart will have some sense of peace and closure. After all, I have been convicted to write a book for the last ten years-- ever since I was eleven years old and found out he was diagnosed with cancer. Even then, I knew that it would be a story to tell.

Ultimately, though, it comes down to this: I miss my dad. He was an incredible person, and I wish I could have loved him better. So much I failed to appreciate until now--even years later-- when I see what kind of gifts and inheritances he gave me. An appreciation for the outdoors and a passion for ministry are just a few of the things I carry from him. I long to hear his voice again, to embrace him in a big bear hug, to spend a few hours playing card games--like we used to. I miss my daddy. I especially miss him when I anticipate the future, and wish I could talk to him about my dreams and goals. I know without anyone telling me that he'd be proud-- but I wish I could hear it from him.

I miss you, dad. I will not forget.

Betsy

Overdue for a real update

2008-09-30T16:16:00.002-04:00

The nice thing about keeping a blog is that it's easy for me to know when I need to slow down and process. I noticed that I haven't really given myself a good time to just write for a while, especially since Senior year is obviously a pivital point in my life and I'm really turning towards the future whether I like it or not. (I usually like it.)

I'm a little less thrilled with classes and the school routine as I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm back to the point where getting up in the morning is a chore; usually an indication that the school year is back in full swing! ;) The homework load is certainly manageble. It helps a lot that I can read my adolescent literature books in one sitting on the weekends! :) My classes do continue to challenge me and shape my worldview, as they should.

My greatest joy and delight is going to church these days. I have absolutely fallen in love with Monroe Community Church. I have made some good friends already and look forward to deepening those friendships in the coming months. I'm hoping to take a trip out to Rehoboth, NM, next January with a group from there, but we'll see how that goes. Going to church on Sunday and reconnecting and getting refreshed puts everything else to a good start. I can hardly wait for Sunday morning services! And next week should be exciting, too, as Cathy, Julia, Eric and I have a rematch for the PingPong champs! I smiled last Sunday as I flipped back through the journal that I've been making sermon and scripture notes in since SERVE week-- I had created a "things to do as a result of SERVE" list, and finding a home church when I got back to GR was on there-- with a little note that said "Monroe community church?" right above it. God sure planned that one! I feel incredibly blessed. I'm looking forward to the HarvestFest in a couple weeks! It should be great! I'm planning on helping out with it in any way I can.

Let's see... what else?

Being single is hard. That's all I want to say about that.

I mentioned that I've been thinking about the future. In that light, I've found out where I'll be student teaching next fall! I'm really excited to have that puzzle piece in place and I feel great about the placement. Hallelujah! :) Right now I'm a bit frustrated that I won't be graduating next spring, and I feel a little anxious about my full schedule the following fall. Not sure what I'll be doing next summer, but hoepfully (please oh please!) something interesting! Maybe another internship--this one at MCC? hehe. :) As for when I finish in December '09, who knows what could happen. Teach For America? Teaching in Ethiopia? Finding a job in Colorado or California? Who knows! :) But I've got options and I'm excited to peruse them.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him, all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts!
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!
Amen!

bjv

Lord Let Your Glory Fall (By The Tree)

2008-09-28T08:23:00.003-04:00

You are good
And your love endures

You are good
And your love endures

You are good
And your love endures
Today

Lord let your glory fall
As on that ancient day
Songs of enduring love
And in your glory came

And as a sign to you
That we would love the same
Our hearts will sing that song
Lord let your glory come

(Chorus)
You are good
You are good
And your love endures

You are good
You are good
And your love endures

You are good
You are good
And your love endures
Today

Voices in unison
Giving you thanks and praise
Join mighty instruments
And in your glory came

Your presence like a cloud
Upon that ancient day
The priests were overwhelmed
Because your glory came

(Chorus) 2X

A sacrifice was made
And then your fire came
They knelt upon the ground
And with one voice they prayed

(Chorus)

Not sure why I've been posting so many lyrics lately. But this is an incredible song that I learned two years ago in Scotland at Glasgow WestEnd Vineyard. I'd love for anyone to learn to play it so I can sing it properly again!

Betsy

Falling Slowly

2008-09-24T21:37:00.001-04:00

This is one of my favorite songs (from the soundtrack "Once") and it's so relaxing. The whole soundtrack is good to play while doing homework! :)

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Yay for Church!

2008-09-21T16:02:00.003-04:00

I know, I know. Every week I say this: I LOVE Monroe Community Church! I mean, really. How many places do you know have a pingpong table that's basically IN the sanctuary? ;)

Not only was worship incredible this morning (thanks in part to Jeremiah, who was so into it) and a unique approach to a sermon message--but the community there is just awesome. It's a much needed blessing and I've been meeting some really great people through it. A few of us just started up a pingpong game after the service, and then Julie came over and invited me to go to Qdoba with a group. I was definitely up for that! I didn't know how to get there so Eric W., a fantastic keyboardist, drove for us. The six (and a half-- Jeremiah and Julie have a 1 year old) of us hung out there for probably more than an hour. (I admit that Kathleen and I were playing with Eric's supercool iPhone for most of it.) Then on the way back Eric and I stopped at Schulers for a bit. Now I'm finally back to Calvin, and I'm trying to decide whether to buckle down and work on stuff or to get back out at 5pm for a small group at Henry and Amy's house... toughie. I really want to go.

I learned a new song today that just struck me so deeply:
Praise You in This Storm (words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms)

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Singing this song was so freeing. It captured the emotions I'd felt in the last year and gave me a way to articulate my gratefulness towards God's faithfulness. For some reason, the line "And every tear that I've cried You hold in Your hand" literally brought tears to my eyes just singing it. It was so beautiful, and it reminded me that God saw and heard me during all those nights I cried myself to sleep last semester out of the pain and frustration of what I was going through. And He has brought me to a new place, a re-newed place.

You know, even though I'm still "walking in the "wilderness" (Think "Blessed be Your Name") I know that the "streams of abundance [DO] flow" and that I'm moving towards the "land of plentiful." I came to a certain quietness in my soul this morning, a distinct peacefullness-- and in coming to that place I realized how full of anxiety and unsettledness I'd had before. I really need to work on that-- letting the living water (the Ravah?) flow deep in my soul. Before church this morning, I felt so much anxiety about receiving my student placement tomorrow. Now, I feel prepared to receive it and accept it wholeheartedly. I know so deeply that teaching is what the Lord has called me to, that it's my passion, that nothing in the world gets me going so much as the thought of teaching (in God's name, of course!) :) I'm ready.

I needed to "vent" and express some of God's goodness to me lately, and I've hardly scratched the surface. But let it be known that I am delighted in what life brings to me these days-- whether it be school, opportunities to serve, my church community and new friendships, or finding joy in the little things-- and that I'm continuting to move towards a better place. "Stagnant" is not a word I would use to describe my life right now-- praise God for that. :)

Much love & blessings!
Betsy

Senior Year (Semester 1 of 3)

2008-09-16T15:55:00.002-04:00

What I know about being a senior in college:

You're really busy. All the time. And if you're not busy, you're procrastinating.

Surprisingly, at the moment I am not actually that busy and I'm not really procrastinating, either. I have a couple hours until my night class, and all my readings are done already. I just wrapped up the last parts of my Jubilee Fellows report (read: portfolio/project/thingy that is massive because of all the parts we had to include!) so I'm currently basking in the relief of having all of the paperwork completed. It's also a beautiful day today, so that's been a real blessing, too. With all the rain we've had lately, I forgot how good it felt to sit in the sunshine. My friend Mary and I ate our sack (Tupperware?) lunches out on the Commons lawn today and had a good long conversation about the new academic year.

Speaking of which, I couldn't be more delighted with my classes this semester. The professors are great, and many of them have started to treat us like colleagues rather than students. I can't believe how far I've come academically since I started as a Freshman! I can't believe how well I've done, either. That was a surprise! :)

I want to be content. I want contentment in my "season of singlehood" but I also want contentment in this moment, in my studying, in my reflections and in my worship. I'm not talking about the apathetic kind of "contentment", either. The contentment I long for doesn't have anything to do with sitting back and letting the world go by and remaining uninvolved because I'm stuck in a rut. Rather, it's just the opposite: it's contentment that would allow me to be fully present in this moment, now, without needing anything to supplement it. It's a contentment that leads to action, because I'm aware and ready to go. It's a contentment with the identity that God has given me, and a contentment in HIS call for me over my own preferences. (See the distinction?)

Can't complain. Life is, as they say, good.

I'm a different, but more grounded, person than I was last year. I am refreshed. :) Renewed, even, to use Calvin mantra!

Betsy

2008-09-03T22:43:00.002-04:00

I was reading an article in a grad school magazine about keeping yourself healthy--especially mentally-- while focusing on school. It was pretty interesting; also pretty relevant to the kind of work I'll need to do this year as a Senior, particularly with the intense focus on student teaching next spring. I guess what surprised me most was not the suggestions for ways to stay organized but the emphasis on taking breaks: to have a rhythmn.

I definitely do not have a rhythmn to my life at this point. Whirlwind is more like it: I've hit the ground running when I landed back in Grand Rapids and it's been a lot of stress trying to figure out finances for this first tuition payment, putting in a lot of long hours at the Prince Conference Center, and getting things ready for school.

On the other hand, I feel like I've been doing nothing at all. There's a kind of stagnance to the lulls, and I don't know what to do with myself. Emotionally, I'm still struggling with the same lack of confidence in myself, and the way that plays out in my relationships with others--but that has gotten a lot better since last year. Spiritually, however, I feel like so much of what happened in California was just a dream. I want to get back into things, especially back into 2nd Corinthians (Heidi, what was the name of that commentary again?) but it's like I've just resorted back to the self I was before I left. I have to remember the things God has been speaking to me about and recommit myself to those things here, too. Grand Rapids needs Deep Justice as well, and part of the challenge is to recognize where.

I'm looking forward to church on Sunday. Monroe Community is going to be a significant gift and blessing in my life; I can see it already. It reminds me of the way I jumped into the community at Glasgow West End Vineyard... what an amazing thing to arrive in a foriegn city and find welcome at that church--and to remain going to that church there all 13ish weeks that I lived in Glasgow. That's kind of what I'd like to do with MCC-- stick with it and get involved and let the Holy Spirit teach me through their community life as the HS did with me in Glasgow.

Oh! Virginia, our third person, has moved into the apartment-- Kim, my roommate, is moving in on Friday. It'll be interesting to have all of us here and to find my way through the dynamics. I've never lived with any of these girls before, so it might be a bit of a challenge! But one of my goals this semester is to expand my social horizons and meet some new people and invest in community life.

It was good to talk to Heidi today, over a late breakfast at Real Food Cafe, and express some of the joys that have been happening in my--our!--life lately. I'm excited for her and the road that she'll be taking in the coming months, and it's always so good to share with her. She's an amazing mentor and friend. :)

I'm tired. Luckily I get to sleep in without an alarm tomorrow--for the only time all week... I probably won't have that option again for a while! :) I love taking naps though, that always helps. I almost said "I'm such a two-year-old" with the way I love naps, but then I remembered that my niece, Maryn, has not been taking her naps lately! hehe. :)

Betsy

Jonah didn't get it, either.

2008-08-31T21:18:00.001-04:00

31 August 2008
Jonah didn't get it, either.
Lately God has been speaking to me about something. I keep agreeing with Him, and then I put it off or ignore it altogether. And God gives me the grace to go back to Him, but then after I commit I end up screwing up again. But, as I learned in church this morning, God's grace is persistent and will meet us where we're at--even at the depths of the sea (literally, for Jonah: the Fish called Grace rescued him there.)

Yet God's call is persistent, too. So with every time He reaches for me again, He sets me on my feet towards this goal. And, as if I expect the call to vanish after enough times of me messing up, I'm actually surprised that I'm still pointed there.

I know this is vague. And the funny thing is, this "call" is much more than any one specific thing. It's God's call to me to return to the changes and thought processes that I started developing in California. Some of them include things about friendships with various persons, other things include a need to be actively involved with Justice and the Christian community, and still others are deeply personal issues that haven't been resolved even after months of "dealing with it".

But as you see, I'm still quite imperfect when it comes to this journey. It's hard. It really sucks right now. I'm worried about money and other things that are quite distracting; I really need God to take my hand and quiet me so I can watch Him work and pull everything into place.

I was just going back to my summer blog about my internship in California and it was like reading about a dream I had. It's so far removed from my present life[style] that it's hard to believe I ever was there. But reading about it helped; reading about the joys and struggles and progress I made while I was there was both encouraging and challenging.

Because, like Jonah, God has set me feet on His path and is directing me towards Him. This morning I ended up at Monroe Community Church in downtown Grand Rapids, and it was like I'd been going there for weeks. I'm fairly certain that's where I will be worshipping and growing in the coming weeks and plugging into. I'm excited. Even though my relationship with God is a bit tense, I'm relieved to know that He is still moving in my life.

I'll be ready for classes to start a week from tomorrow. I work Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday this week in addition to plans on Wednesday, so it's going to be a full week until then. It feels good to be back on campus with old friends coming round to say hello, and I think this year will be very different than last year--at least, I hope it will be.

Betsy

It has been a while.

2008-07-23T17:36:00.001-04:00

Hi all, or to anyone who happens to still be reading this blog. I promise to update more regularly on this blog once I return to Calvin this fall.

Return? you ask. From where?

Why, from California. That's where. In fact, I've still been blogging away for the last couple of months, just not here. You can read what I'm up to a hop-skip-and-jump away over at:

http://where-is-betsy.blogspot.com

Enjoy!

Betsy

I miss my dad.

2008-04-22T09:05:00.002-04:00

I just woke up from dreaming about my dad. It was so real, so like him, that I wanted to keep it. It started as all dreams do--with a completely different circumstance, and then all of a sudden, there I was sitting near him. We were in an office, and he was busy with something. He must have come back from being away, because people kept coming in to say hello and help dust things. Every time, my dad would introduce me, and I'd reach out and shake their hand. Everywhere around me were books and old photographs of us kids, just like in his office at Ebenezer. Zach even came in--he was ordained now--and asked him where he usually keeps the book of policies; it seemed like Zach was working at this place, too, and was moving into a new office. I was my own age, all 20 years old, even though I was just sitting in his office hanging out like I used to when I was 7. But I remember the point when I realized that he wasn't as he should be-- he still had the gaunt cheeks, the gray hair, and that certain look of pain. Then I started waking up.

It makes me wonder--if my dad were still alive today, does that mean that he would have been cured, somehow? Or would it just mean that he was in even more suffering than before? I'm a little upset with my subconscious for giving me a dream about my dad being around right now, because I've been missing him a lot lately and wishing I could talk to him about everything. It would have been easier if my dreaming had taken place ten years ago, so I could remember him as he used to be--dark brown hair, strong, easy-going.

It's a beautiful morning. No classes today because of academic advising, so I'll have a lot of time this afternoon to get ahead on work. I can't believe that I have the rest of this week (only Thursday and Friday for classes!), next week as a full week of classes, two weeks from now is my last week of classes, finishing on Thursday. Then exams. Then summer! Then the internship! (43 days till SoCal!) We're getting down to the wire, here.

That's all. More later.
Betsy Joy

Where do I begin to say "Thank You, Lord"?

2008-04-15T21:42:00.003-04:00

Today has been a deeply fulfilling day for me in so many ways; so affirming for my future and for my identity.

I have been affirmed in my identity as a teacher. Not that I doubted it before, but it is so clear to me and God is clearly directing my paths that way. I spent an hour in a school today helping a couple fifth graders write poems, and I loved it. I loved being in the classroom, relating to the students, and helping them find their voice in words. Mary went with me, and she said afterwards that she could really see I was a natural at it.

Last night and also this morning, I found out that I received two upper-class named scholarships, both related to education. I received one from the English department (The Kuiper Scholarship, in case you are curious, which is specifically for an English major in the Secondary Ed program going into their Senior year) which is an incredible honor, especially after hearing about the teachers who it is named for. The second is specifically from the Education department and it is intended for someone who is either a minority or who has a disability, or who has a record of service to minorities and those with disabilities--which applies to me in both areas, since I am hearing impaired but I have done a lot of volunteer work with both areas. I just realized a moment ago how this affirms me not only as a teacher, but also as someone who is hearing impaired. I've caught myself doubting my ability as a teacher lately because of my hearing problems, but this sort of sends that right out the door! Thanks, God :)

I am also incredibly blessed by the fact that I got scholarships at all without having "technical financial need." Altogether, I have a general calvin scholarship, an achievement award, a mentoring scholarship, the english department scholarship and the education department scholarship, in addition to the Jubilee Fellows stipend and possible loans and money from the company my step-dad works at. This blows me away. This is affirming to me as a student, since I never did very well in high school, and affirming to me as a person with a future. Someone thinks my vision for education, community and ministry is worth supporting. What an honor! This also means that a few professors who recommended me for these scholarships also see something in me. I'm blown away.

In of the last posts, I mentioned that I've been hearing about a lot of stories with strong women in them. The trend continues. I met a woman tonight who came to speak to the J.Fellows on church planting. She is another example of a strong woman who embraces her gender while also working effectively in ministry. I was also intruigued by the church planting and realized that what she loved about it were things that I would likely love about it, too. So there's a possibility for me, especially since I want to be involved with community as a teacher and bring those two together. It's also a deep need in urban areas, which I love as well and have a passion for.

I am near tears and my heart is exploding. For months and weeks I've had an identity crisis. I've doubted my identity as a natural leader. At a time when the Jubilee Fellows internship is rapidly approaching and so are decisions about teaching and general future goals and pursuits, God is wrapping me in His love and encouragement. I can't believe how much I needed this from Him, and my eyes are opened to how He was saying this to me all along. I'm just much more in tune with His sucession of strong women in leadership and compelling me to consider that route, too. I also feel more empowered than ever in my life to accept singlehood, and to be prepared to live with it for a while. It's not that I don't need men or don't want a boyfriend or husband, it's just clear that God has a plan for my growth as an individual, as a single woman. I can accept that now. I'd really rather not, but I will, and I'm ready to learn from it. I'm inspired to take on the challenge.

This is also quite humbling. We discussed Humility and humbleness at length tonight in our class. Coop said that struggling with humility is best combatted with gratitude, not self-deprication. I'm amazed by that--what a simple truth. Being grateful for the gifts that God graciously gives to us and being willing to be "interrupted" (as The Bonhoeffer says) in our day to help others is the path to humility. I realized on the way back as I walked and looked up at the stars, is that my mistakes months ago had brought me to a place where others may have questioned or doubted my leadership ability, but that didn't mean it was true or that I suddenly wasn't cut out for it anymore. And just because I doubted my own potential didn't excuse me from that calling. That humbled me. I remembered again my conviction that leaders are not perfect, and if I'm not perfect, that's reality. It's not a place to give up. It just means that I need to move forward in humility about it and accept my own humanity.

I don't know if that all came out perfectly articulated, but I'm sure I'll be revisiting this later. My (coffee?) headache is getting worse, so I'm not entirely focused. I really just needed to get as many thoughts down as I could before I have to move onto a paper due tomorrow at 8am (ugh).

Finally, a song that came to mind that I haven't sung in a very long time:

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's your kindness lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor lord, is our desire
It's your beauty lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life

Rejoice with me as I learn a new song--

Betsy Joy

new revelation: i write more when i'm procrastinating! lesson: procrastinate more? (maybe not.)

2008-04-13T20:03:00.003-04:00

I had a very satisfying weekend that was full of family. On Saturday I went home to celebrate the Triplets' 2nd Birthday with a party in their neighborhood clubhouse. It was a blast to see the kids have so much fun with their sandtoys I bought for them and be cute eating cupcakes. I love them and I'm very proud to be their auntie. :) I spent the night in Holland and went to church with my mom and Jessey, drove back to GR for lunch with my dear friend Mary, and this afternoon went to Frederick Meijer Gardens (again! I know) with my mom and Grandma. Then we went to Panera together and off to Fuller Ave. CRC to hear my brother Zach preach. I was very impressed with his message and I also got to see Jane and my other niece Julia! Like I said--lots of family. Just the way I like it. I have to take advantage of it while I can...

My orchid is still happily blooming, with a second bloom opening today. :)

I'm still feeling pretty good about where I'm at right now. I'm starting to dream again. Lately my dreaming takes me to Colorado after graduation. My mom gave me the idea, since she told me to go somewhere that a sibling already was, for her sake, since she's running out of vacation time! (More efficient this way, I suppose!) Well, right now that option is Southern California or Colorado. I started checking out teaching job options in North Central Colorado where my sister is and decided it wouldn't be so bad! I love the mountains, and it would be so great to live near my sister. Not to mention that my mom owns a condo out there that she's renting out, and could easily rent to me! :D

But unfortunately graduation doesn't come till December 2009. Seems a long ways off but at the same time just around the corner. A lot needs to happen between now and then, but it's only 20 months away! (Wow!) Speaking of a lot happening-- there is a lot that needs to happen between now and 4.5 weeks from today, when school gets out! Fortunately I only have two formal scheduled exams and a couple of take-homes. I need to get started on reading a bunch of books, that's for sure! Oh darn, I'll have to get back into Breathing Space some more tonight ;)

I meant this to be a bit more than an update on what I've been doing this weekend, but it has just been so wonderfully refreshing that I figure that's an update enough. :)

Betsy

A quiet Thursday

2008-04-10T18:12:00.004-04:00

I just came back from a walk. Yes, a walk in the rain. And it was beautiful. It wasn't nearly as cold as I thought it would be, so I ended up walking for at least 45 minutes in the nature preserve. I wanted my senses jolted. I wanted to smell the damp earth and hear the wind and feel the rain on my face--not just see the rivers of raindrops cascading down my windowpanes. It was lovely. I even splashed in some puddles.

It's no wonder that I had the itching to get outside since we discussed Thoreau in American Lit this morning. I had the privilege to go to Walden Pond and see the place where he lived the summer after my freshman year in high school. It was the first time I was away from home without my family, and I remember it so well. I had memories coming back to me while sitting in class, like wading knee-deep into the warm waters of the (large) pond while others took picture on shore. In Walden, Henry David Thoreau said that "to be awake is to be alive." I think that's true. I feel like I've been unawake, unawares for a long time. I was existing. My heart had expanded, then was emptied, and I didn't know what to put in that ache.

But people have been speaking into that vast dark space, all without knowing. Many have been literary voices. Authors from the Jubilee Fellows class (Willard, Bonhoeffer, Peterson, Lueking, and others) have spoken into my heart, urgently reminding me of the greater tasks at hand. It was hard to listen to them at first.

But other written words have been present as well: Psalm 116 says "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." For me, this was an invitation to let go, to slow down, to find myself present in one moment--this moment.

The questions in the book Moment by Moment have surprised me, also bringing me to this moment of awareness of self and of God's Spirit having already started moving. It asks me to consider this: "What in my life now seems to carry an invitation or challenge to me to become more reflective?" and "What people, places and events in my life have been special instruments of grace in leading me to desire a more intimate relationship with God?" and finally "What can I do with the caution I may feel about taking God more seriously in my life?" Even now I'm surprised that with this blog post, I'm already entering into answering those questions, though unintentionally.

And then there are the stories of strong women that God has brought to speak into my heart. These have resonated the deepest, pressing against the sides of my soul as their words echo deeply into those dark spaces. There's Kathleen Norris, and her book Dakota, which describes her life as teacher and writer in rural and poor areas of South Dakota (and a fan of Thomas Merton!) There is Erin Gruwell, the "too young, too white" teacher who goes into the heart of the city in Southern California to teach and emerges a memorable mentor to over a hundred of her students who have gone on to college despite all odds. Then there's Heidi Neumark, the author of Breathing Space, who I've already mentioned from yesterday but has become so familiar already. Her words paint a picture of what my heart aches for, and in all the pain of living in the deepest pit of the city, she lifts up stories of joy. I admire her. (She's a fan of Thomas Merton, too!) She, too, is a kindred spirit. Neumark also brings friends--stories of women in the Bible who are easily passed over, but whose stories also bring strength.

There are those who have walked with me quietly in the last few months as I've spent time withdrawn from the world. I thank them, too. Their wisdom has also found a place in my heart.

And all the while, I'm struck with a parallel of my own growth with that of my orchid. Eric gave the orchid to me as a gift over a year ago, and the blooms eventually faded and fell. But I was told to keep it and tend it and perhaps (without hoping too hard) it would flower again. So I kept it. And for many months it did absolutely nothing. I basically had an awkward stick and two bright green leaves at its base. I noticed that it started growing new leaves, so it was nice to know that it was still alive, but there was nothing more.

Then, in late February, I was delighted to see new growth on the stem. Over the past couple months, this remarkable plant has grown a new branch about a foot long! As the blooms began to bulge and change from the deep red to greenish tint, my hopes began to soar. I knew of others whose orchid nearly flowered but the blooms simply died. I kept petitioning my beloved plant, asking it to please flower! Then, last night, I noticed that the "seam" of the bud had split. This morning, and throughout today, the flower has opened and the familiar purple and delicate design on the petals is visible once more. I am delighted. Thrilled. Ecstatic!

The orchid reminds me so much of the stagnancy I felt, or rather, imagined--since, like my orchid, my heart only appeared to have no growth. But when I did see signs of longings and achings toward ministry again, it wasn't instant. I had to be patient with this fragile growth. I wanted blooms! I had the hope for blooms! It took months of preparation first. I was also frustrated with my orchid, since it seemed to have different proportions in mind than I had for it. I would have been happy with three inches of stem and one flower. But my orchid has reached out far and long, barely holding on to the main stem by one strong point, and as a result has created room for more blooms than I had on it last year! God's grace is revealed to me through this precious, gorgeous plant. Hope springs from hope.

Thank God I had a little bit of faith and hope.

Thank God that my heart has been stretched and pulled for greater things than I had in mind.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him, all creatures here below!
Praise Him, above, ye heavenly hosts!
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost! AMEN!

Betsy Joy

Raise your hopeful voice!

2008-04-09T12:30:00.002-04:00

I find myself begining to "want to want" more. It's exciting. I feel like something is emerging out of my heart again... that telltale joy that belongs to my name. Studying for the Jubilee Fellows midterm actually did turn out to be a blessing. Looking at a few of the articles and books again got me excited for the things the authors were saying. There is deep passion within the Church, and it needs to be unleashed. I've also been introduced to one of the best books I've come across in a long time. It's called Breathing Space by Heidi Neumark, and it's a memoir about her pastoral ministry in the South Bronx. Her writing style is absolutely so beautiful and eloquent, and the metaphors that she uses are just breathtaking. I love it. And I'm only on page 12! (Heidi, you would LOVE this book if you haven't read it already. I already want to talk to you about some of the stuff the author says!) This book is one of the options for a book review for J.Fellows and I'm SO glad Coop recommended it! It has been a long time since an author spoke "my language" and appealed to me as much as Neumark has already! I'm thrilled.

My heart has been given reprieve this week. Sunday started off difficult since I spent a long time writing a letter I wasn't sure I wanted to send (I haven't--yet). Talking about it with my mentor, Heidi, the next day was incredibly helpful. She articulated to me what kind of person I am, and how I respond to misunderstandings of my own character by others. We talked about when a clarification needs to be made (and how one should make it) and also about letting go. I didn't really intend to "let go" of some of the things that I felt misunderstood about, but acknowledging what was going on in the deep regions of my heart and soul was like opening a window and ventilating those spaces. I get it now. I get why it bothered me so much, I get why I felt the impulse to say something about it, I get why God can sometimes call us to step up and set the record straight. But I also get that it's not the end of the world. Without intending to, I've been able to grasp things a little less tightly and feel some actual freedom from that. I know that God knows my character and that He understands the injustice I felt. Even if I never say anything to those who I felt hurt by directly, I know that the experience is already shaping how I might approach others in a simliar situation. I know what needs to be added to a certain conversation the Church is having (or needs to be having). At any rate, I'm becoming "unstuck," to use Heidi's term. :) Hallelujah. Again, from Psalm 116-- Be at rest, oh my Soul.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
-Psalm 116:1,7

Betsy Joy

Wanting more.

2008-04-08T14:58:00.003-04:00

Who was it who prayed "Lord, help me to want to want you"? Or something similar? Anyhow, that seems to be the petition of my own heart these days. I feel behind in all things spiritual. I want to want Christ in my life. I know what it is I should do, but I become sluggish and get so stuck! I don't know if it's fear or pride that contributes to this hesitation, but it's probably a mixture of both. I think that I fear disappointment. Not disappointment in Christ or His gifts, but disappointment in myself when I fail at being disciplined. Pride is just an issue anyway. Apparently one of my strengths is Self-Assurance, which means I have a lot of confidence in the things I'm convicted about, but I don't really know how to shift that to really help me. (Golly, maybe I should look up some more information about my strengths after all.)

Right now I'm procrastinating. My brain feels a little fried by all the thinking and analyzing I've been doing in preparation for the J.Fellows midterm. It's a beast. Coop sure didn't hold back when he came up with these questions--a few of the questions are from pieces he didn't assign or discuss in class. I guess he still wants us to know them! It has been a lot of reading for the class and I admit I've gotten behind. I'm hoping to revisit some of these books/authors soon and read them as one entity, instead of broken up by sections and weeks.

Speaking of procrastinating, I really need somebody to give me some advice on time-management. I'm always late. For everything. A couple of weeks back I managed to be on time for all of my classes for that week, but it didn't really count since we didn't have class Friday. I sometimes find that when I have too much to do or things I'd like to do, I get stuck and don't end up doing any of them. I usually get homework done at the last minute, but I've still pulled off the grades and I've stayed on the Dean's List. I don't want to be late to everything for the rest of my life, though, especially when I'm teaching. How embarrassing! Yikes. I could really use a few suggestions. Or a little discipline to get up on time in the morning. I usually have to set my alarm at LEAST a half hour (or hour) ahead of time because I can't get up right away. (Which isn't a result of not getting enough sleep or sleeping too much. I regularly get 8 hours of sleep.) Maybe excersizing would help... if I would actually do it. I think I've proved my point by now. I admire people who can keep a timely schedule. But when I am early, I often wonder to myself what the point was of getting early and waiting around. Ugh. I know! I should start carrying a book around with me. If I can get to a class early, I'll read the book. I just hope that book-reading doesn't turn into another form of procrastination ;)

Now that was a good pep talk. It felt good to write/type since I haven't done that in a while on here. I think I may come back again soon and start working on some questions from a book that Heidi recommended called Moment by Moment.

Wish me luck on the midterm! (Eeik!)

Betsy

Psalm 116:7

2008-04-02T07:31:00.002-04:00

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

In the midst of a busy week, I woke up this morning thinking of what I have to do today, and almost ran off to start doing more things. But I remembered our conversation at Jubilee Fellows last night, and about prayer and going to the Bible before email. It was actually the glow of the sunrise that reminded me. I thought I wanted to read Psalm 116 for a different passage, but it was the wrong one, but it turned out to be right for me after all. As I read through it, comforted, it was verse 7 that really did it for me: Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

It's His world. We're not required to do more than we can do. So take a deep breath, play your part and take care of your responsibilities, and rest again at the end of the day.

May all your souls be at rest today.

Bets

and THIS is why I don't drink coffee at J.Fellows.

2008-03-19T04:21:00.003-04:00

It keeps my brain going longer than it should. :P And it was only a half of a cup!

Nevertheless, the fact that I'm up will give me time to go over clauses and phrases for my grammar midterm, and do my chemistry writeup that I planned to do this afternoon before class.

Break was quiet. I spent a couple of hours scrubbing our shower, and one of my favorite things was repotting a bunch of my plants. My orchid from last year is going to bloom again which is so exciting :) I also went to F.M.Gardens to see the butterflies with the triplets and Julia! They loved it, and it was great to see the gardens through their eyes. They sure won't stay nearly two years old and seven months forever! It's a fun age to be with them, too.

Caleb just turned 25 earlier this month, and Linde turns 28 on Sunday. Zach is turning 31 this year. It's a bit unsettling, realizing how life is only speeding up. It never fazed me before with Zach and Linde being in their upper 20s, but now that Caleb is getting there, too, it makes me a little nervous/excited(!) that "I'm next"... Google calendar has my birthday recorded on August 7 indefinitely, and I went through changing "Betsy's ___ birthday" to the appropriate age until I was 30. It didn't take very long at all to do that! Granted, I know some pretty great people in their 30s so it's not so bad at all. Even 50 isn't "old," believe me, I know.

Right now, being 20 for a couple more months (technically 141 days, haha) is a special age to be. I think this year has been pretty 'visionary'... not just dreaming about any particular thing I'd like to do with my life, but rather envisioning how my life can participate in the broader scheme of the community and world. I've been disappointed by some of these visions, but I have hope that other ones will be blessed and allowed to follow through. It's a practice of looking deeply towards the horizon and sensing change, like one feels rain in his bones before a much needed, refreshing storm.

I wish that I could say that the tone of this post is exactly how I've felt these days: anticipating, intuitive, generally on the right track with things... and perhaps in some ways I am. But I've also felt deeply inadequate for those same visions on my heart. Last night in J.Fellows we discussed Christian formation, and what that means and how it happens. I don't remember all of what I skimmed from Dallas Willard's Great Omission (I promise to go back and re-read it!) but I imagine it to be a deepening awareness of Christ in the room, a waking up.
I was hit with this mental picture of me and all the ways I know I don't glorify Him, and then Christ sitting in the room watching. He's not stoic, He's not even judgemental. He's just grieving. He's in the chair, head in his hands, with tears brimming in his eyes because He's so in love with me and I simply don't see it. But I'm starting to. Moments come (and go) where I've suddenly realized His presence there, and it's clear what I ought to do, but I stand there awkwardly--passively--and then move on to some other unimportant task.

That, my friends, is exactly how I've felt in these last months.

Since it's almost 5am and I'm thinking a wee breakfast is in order, I'm off.

-Betsy

Without You (in memory of Aunt Darlene)

2008-03-03T22:43:00.002-05:00

Without You

Without You
The Ground Thaws
The Rain Falls
The Grass Grows

Without You
The Seeds Root
The Flowers Bloom
The Children Play

The Stars Gleam
The poets dream
The Eagles Fly
Without You

The Earth Turns
The Sun Burns
But I Die
Without You

Without You
The Breeze Warms
The Girl Smiles
The Cloud Moves

Without You
The Tides Change
The Boys Run
The Oceans Crash

The Crowds Roar
The Days Soar
The Babies Cry
Without You

The Moon Glows
The River Flows
But I Die
Without You

The World Revives
Colors Renew
But I Know Blue
Only Blue
Lonely Blue
Within Me, Blue
Without You

Without You
The Hand Gropes
The Ear Hears
The Pulse Beats
Without You
The Eyes Gaze
The Legs Walk
The Lungs Breathe

The Mind Churns
The Heart Yearns

The Tears Dry
Without You
Life Goes On
But I'm Gone
Cause I Die
Without You
Without You
Without You
Without You

This is a melancholy song from the musical "Rent" and I happened to have the tune in my head and when I realized which song it was, it kind of hit me how appropriate it is for this moment.

I just found out that one of my aunts died. I didn't know her hardly at all, she was married to my dad's oldest brother Dave. I guess she had been sick for a while and was at the hospital for a procedure when she passed away. My mom said that Darlene (my aunt) and Dave had done a lot of traveling and things together so he'll probably be very lonely. I hurt mostly for the pain I know this causes on my dad's other siblings. They've lost good health and loved ones pretty hard in the last few years.

So here's to all those loved and lost. We hate to go on without you, but we must.

Betsy

Winter & Language Play

2008-02-27T12:01:00.002-05:00

This winter is manic-depressive. Manic, because of the mood swings between the springtime in early January turned blizzards by February, and depressive since the lack of sunshine gets to me and I end up with a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Hurrying along the damp black path, bundled up, cheeks flushed, I glanced up for once at the glaring white snow. To my left, the snowplows had been unrelentless with the mounds scraped up from the 80-some inches received this month. To my right, however, the snow was far less dramatic and almost inviting. I found myself imagining what it would be like to make a snow angel, before quickly dismissing the idea for two logical reasons: wet and cold. Yet that didn't keep me from pausing to pick up a small chunk. Suddenly my senses exploded in a way they hadn't all season: the tingling burn of the freezing snow on my warm skin, noticing the powdery layer dusted over a crusted center, watching the droplets form while other pieces floated to the ground with crumbs trailing behind me as I continued on my way, fondly remembering the days when playing with the snow was an unconscious impulse.

It was a shock, realizing that the world I lived in was very different than the world I actually interacted with. It has been snowing for weeks now, but to actually experience snow was a rare instance. Considering the norms that I've been socialized into since coming to Calvin (adults don't play, they have hobbies) it's not surprising that this trend towards the controlled, constructive and conceptual devalues the spontaneous, inefficient and detailed ways of learning. It's much easier to live in a world that observes snow from a distance, because it eliminates the chances of circumstances turning messy or inconvenient. Yet snow remains nothing but a concept to know about, not something to know. It's an entirely different scenario once you get out the sleds, spend an hour constructing forts and snowmen, and return indoors exhausted but satisfied.

As I consider my role as an educator and what kinds of learning environments I want to create for my students, I can see how teaching language can be a bit like an attitude towards winter. It's very easy to look at the English language from a distance: to read, to take notes and to write a persuasive essay arguing one thesis or another with the rules already given. It's an entirely different experience altogether to consider teaching students to play with language. It might be the same text as before, but with an alternative approach. Suddenly students aren't being given the rules; through experimentation they encounter ways to write that are more persuasive than others. If that's unpredictable, there are ways that teachers can allow students to get even messier. A grammar game suddenly allows students to observe and internalize patterns before the actual rules are articulated. Spending a class period on puns or 'Spoonerisms' can engage students and teach them about the stranger aspects of the English language while

During my teacher aiding with ESL middle schoolers, I came across a "Famous Words and Phrases" FunDeck that was illustrated with cartoons (appropriate for preteens) and included a small led light to reveal the answers. I introduced each card by showing the picture and the phrase (such as "Don't count your chickens before they hatch") and asked the students for their interpretations. Then, revealing the three options for the meaning, we took a class vote on which was correct before finding out the answer together. It was a hit with the students and it was rewarding to have them all actively engaged! It taught me a valuable lesson in finding ways to look at meanings in addition to decoding words and examining structures. I could have taught handed out a list of phrases and meanings and given a quiz the next day, but who really wants to assign more mediocre homework?

In the end, the choice is mine; I can choose to play with language just as I can choose to spend a little more time outside. It comes down to a willingness to get messy by finding creative ways of looking at the same material. It may also mean facing criticism for venturing into this unpredictable, uncharted territory. My hope is that I might inspire creativity and new ways of thinking among my students that might have not been there before; in setting arbitrary symbols and words aside in order to appreciate the very heart of language, which is ultimately the communication of meaning.

Betsy

Sleep cycles...

2008-02-22T08:57:00.003-05:00

I've realized a number of things about myself which are actually rather helpful.

The first is that I've always had a really hard time waking up in the morning. I can sleep like a rock, and I can sleep for hours, but I just can't wake up very easily. Last week I accidently left my blinds completely open when I went to bed (which isn't bad, I live on the 3rd floor) and lo-and-behold, I woke up on my own and refreshed at 7:30am when I didn't need to be at work until 9am. Normally I'm the type that runs out the door after getting up a half hour--or less--earlier. "Hmm," I thought to myself, "That's very interesting." So, with a sneaking suspicion and a hunch, I wondered what would happen if I did that before a 10:30am class today. I set my alarm for 8:35am (gives me plenty of time to hit the snooze about 7 times) and lo-and-behold, with my blinds all the way up, I woke up on my own and refreshed! at 8:25am. I've decided that my body really needs light to wake up (Duh, normally you turn the lights on when you get up, but it's not the same thing). I've seen commercials on TV advertising lights that gradually get brighter in the mornings for people (apparently like me) who respond to light well. I'd also like to point out that I've definitely been getting enough sleep lately--no problems there. It's just been that ever since I was a kid I'd have a hard time getting going in the morning.

Granted, in Michigan, it helps when there is actually SUNSHINE in the morning, like today!

I can't believe it's Friday already. This week FLEW by! Last weekend seemed really busy, though I can't quite remember why (Besides working and that Rangeela was fantastic!) and then Tuesday I had my Merton presentation for J.Fellows, Wednesday I had lunch with family, Thursday I worked again, had a phone interview with the lady in SoCal, and coffee with Seth, and then goofed around with Debbi for a little while before applying myself to Grammar. And now it's Friday, again. I don't know quite what I'm doing this weekend, although I should take advantage of a free weekend since I don't work at all! (Which actually isn't entirely good news, since my work $$ is my grocery $$. I got groceries already this week, so I should be okay...)

Well. There are more things that I've been pondering about myself, but they're still in the works. Right now I need to shift my attention back to grammar, and to my impending Chemistry test, and I need a shower...

But all in all, things are looking up.

Bets

And there are some things that just never change.

2008-02-14T00:28:00.002-05:00

I was feeling pretty depressed tonight. It hit me that I'd be alone tomorrow for the first time in five years. It also hit me that I'd never gotten Valentine's Day flowers since my dad gave them to me in 2003. And I was grieving my dad in and of itself-- Missing him, wishing he were here to hug, to take me out tomorrow. Sad that his birthday on Friday will come and go. He would have been only 55 years old. So young. I often wonder if my zest for accomplishing things in life early is affected by the fact that I could only have 30--not 60-- years left, or less. I don't think I've ever actually imagined myself "old and gray."

Anyhow, there were tears and heartache as I sat in my room missing my dad immensely and also missing Eric, too. Then there was a knock on my door, and Eric was on the phone asking if I wanted to go out to Meijer. I was up for a good distraction, so I agreed and picked him up.

When we got to Meijer, I asked what he needed to get, and he said "I wanted to get you flowers."

Turns out he hadn't even known about my earlier sadness or even the trend of not having flowers for Valentine's day. So he bought a couple carnations for some of his other lady friends but bought me a gorgeous orchid (it was that or the creamy white roses, but I wanted a potted plant!) which I am very happy to have on my desk right now. There are 8 flowers on it right now, too. I love it. :) Totally made my night... I'm so glad he's my best friend. As I've said before-- We're not dating, but we still know how to take care of each other. :)

So. Here's to all the men who I've loved and lost--Happy Valentine's Day.

Bets

2008-02-13T13:20:00.001-05:00

Testing, testing.....

Wondering if this really works. I am blogging from my "Dashboard" rather than directly onto the webpage-- Cool!

Thomas Merton Appreciation Week!

2008-02-12T21:47:00.002-05:00

Jubilee Fellows was splendid tonight. Lots of good discussion and thought provoking ideas about what the Church is and how we respond to those who say "Jesus-YES! Church-No!" Very interesting indeed, especially thinking about how my own response to that has changed from my 16 year old self to today's self.

Besides that, I've been enlisted to go first for our "Cloud of Witnesses" projects. Each of us will give a presentation on a "witness" in history whom we admire and want to share about. I, of course, am doing my presentation on Thomas Merton. I'm very excited about the project and so this week will be Thomas Merton Appreciation Week :) I'll hopefully be finishing up Seven Storey Mountain and research more of what he's written. Thomas Merton has been my literary mentor since June 2, 2005--that's when I first picked up and bought his book No Man is an Island. For the last two and a half years, I have gone back to this book time and time again, and it has followed me around the world to Yellowstone and Scotland. I've read his words on Silence and Solitude while riding on a bus to and from my volunteer placement. I've read his words on vocation during times of questioning and in times of living it out. His wisdom has inspired me, shaped me, and affirmed me. He articulated so much of what my heart had been telling me about what it means to pursue dreams and that God wills us to be ourselves.

Reading his autobiography has been huge in developing a greater respect for his life and work. It's one thing to imagine a monk and undermine him for his reclusiveness--it's another thing to read him knowing that his first ambition in life was to seek out every possible material thing and and travel as a connoisseur of pleasure.

On top of it all, Merton is wonderfully accessible and articulate. It doesn't take long before you get used to his writing style, and each chapter in No Man is an Island can be read individually or as part of a larger process.

I'm grateful to Merton and to what his words have meant to me. I know that he will continue to be an influence in my life. I can hardly wait to meet him one day :)

More later, likely :)

Bets

Farthest Shore--David Wilcox

2008-02-12T16:39:00.000-05:00

We were there in the woods by the water
We left our packs up against that willow tree
We dove right in, keeping just what we were born with
Our Memories, Knowledge and Dreams
As I swam away from our possessions
I imagined that they were gone forever more
And for once I was glad that all I treasured
Would still be with me as I reached other shore.
So...Let me dive into the water,
Leave behind all that I've worked for
Except what I remember and believe
And when I stand on the farthest shore
I will have all I need
After the blaze burned our cabin down to ashes
Where we'd slept warm, now the sky lets in the rain
I found the strings, frets and rusted latches
But I will never hear that old guitar again
These four walls are only in my memory
Where these stone steps rise to nothing in the air
So one last look and I'm headed for the river
To wash my hands and try to say this prayer
So...Let me dive into the water,
Leave behind all that I've worked for
Except what I remember and believe
And when I stand on the farthest shore
I will have all I need
When my time to live this life is over
I'll tip my hat when I think about that swim
And of all the things that make a life worth living
That only come to those who dive right in
So...Let me dive into the water,
Leave behind all that I've worked for
Except what I remember and believe
And when I stand on the farthest shore
I will have all I need
All I need.....
Let me dive into the water...
It's all I need

Listened to this song in class today. It's about earthly possessions and how, when it's all said and done, we're only going to be left with memories and dreams when we're on the farthest shore. And yet something rings true with Wilcox's line "and try to pray this prayer [that I'll have all I need]." Trying to believe and live that way is hard.

Having a minor identity crisis, but wouldn't worry too much about it. Seems to be happening quite a lot lately. Some days (like today) I'm shocked at myself that I ever went to Scotland or that I ever spent a summer in Yellowstone. Those days seem so long ago. I have accomplished so much in 20 years, that I wonder if I've "expired" my adventures; if I've gone and used them up already. Kind of a daunting thought. I know I'm longing to take off again, but with only $30 in my checking account, I can't even fill up my gas tank.

I know what I'd like to do if I could up and leave, but I also know it is only getting harder and harder to dream that way. I long to go on an adventure, but I think I'm becoming less picky on which adventures to go for as the options are limitless. Actually, I wouldn't even mind if they were someone else's dreams that I could tag along for.

Graduation is in December 2009. Student teaching is Spring 2009. Next fall will be the bulk of my final classes that I have to take, with whatever ones that are still required tagged to the semester after student teaching. You'd think that with Adventure just over the horizon, I'd have plenty to keep me busy.

I know I'd like to get my Master's someday. IPSL (the organization I went to Scotland with) has a pretty amazing, year-long Master's program that involves service in both Jamaica and England. But I'd also like to go to Seminary. Somewhere in there I want to teach. I'm going to be a life-long student, that's for sure.

But there's so much more that I long for. I long for wholeness and an identity I can be consistent in. There has been so much soul-shaping that I've lived through from 11 years old to today that I guess that has been a psuedo identity. No wonder I feel confused when I'm not actually going through something drastic-- externally, anyway.

I need to finish my readings for J.Fellows. I sense a reluctance in my heart to embrace what the texts say, because it means entering into community and right now, that has been hard to do. I was vulnerable to my community and I got hurt from it, when instead I wanted to be a more integrated, open part to it. The Church is imperfect--that much I can wholeheartedly agree with. I guess it gives me all the more responsibility to play a role in Her edification, as much as my own. Sigh. That's hard.

I had coffee with Heidi today. It was, as it nearly always is, incredibly refreshing. It allowed me to internally let out a breath of relief and say "Ah... yes. I'm going to be alright" and find a place to hope and dream. Heidi is a beautiful example to me how precious the calling to be a servant in the Church really is (even in all its stressful moments!) Thank you, Heidi :)

Oh, and I miss my dad. This coming friday would have been his 55th Birthday. I wish he were here. There's so much I'd like to talk to him about. If only my heart would cry out to my Heavenly Father more often in the way my heart longs for my dad right now.

Checking in :)

2008-02-05T14:47:00.000-05:00

Hello, all.

I am definitely amazed by what getting enough sleep can do for study habits. I've been making an effort to get in bed earlier on a more consistent basis (with exceptions) and I don't know quite what it is, but it seems that this affects studying--imagine that! I'd also add, though, that the significant change in my social life has also been conducive to studying.

I'm happy with the level of challenge I'm facing right now. Naturally, it would be nice if my homework didn't take any effort at all, but that can be even "less fun" at times. Nor do I appreciate work that is always over my head. Rather, between the grammar and the chemistry, the homework has mostly been a puzzle that a little bit of time (and a few questions of more experienced friends) can work out. It's bordering on "fun"...

So. Life is good. Even with Chem101 and Grammar. :)

Betsy

my niche

2008-01-29T21:58:00.000-05:00

Consider this definition:

niche |ni ch |
noun
a shallow recess, esp. one in a wall to display a statue or other ornament.
• ( one's niche) a comfortable or suitable position in life or employment : he is now a partner at a leading law firm and feels he has found his niche.
• a specialized but profitable corner of the market : [as adj. ] important new niche markets.
• Ecology a position or role taken by a kind of organism within its community. Such a position may be occupied by different organisms in different localities, e.g., antelopes in Africa and kangaroos in Australia.
verb [ trans. ]
place or position (something) in a niche.
ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from French, literally ‘recess,’ from nicher ‘make a nest,’ based on Latin nidus ‘nest.’

Jubilee Fellows is my niche. Ministry is my niche. It is proof that I am my father's daughter (and in other ways, more truly, my Father's daughter). Church-y, spiritual-y kinds of things are where I thrive.

I like the definition of niche (from the Oxford English dictionary on my Mac), and while I don't know how accurate "comfortable" is for describing a niche in ministry, "suitable" would apply to me. Even more than the specific definition for a job/vocation, I like the version about Ecology better:
A position or role taken by a kind of organism within its community

Yes. Ministry is obviously a position or role in its community. But it's also true that it requires "a kind of organism" that is designed for its role. And that's the wonderful part about Jubilee Fellows-- we are all a common organism in our community, with similar goals and drives and passions to serve in a unique way. We have the privilege of bringing together people of all walks of life to examine their walks IN life, to consciously bring together the physical and spiritual.

I have found my niche. :)

Restless--

2008-01-28T18:41:00.001-05:00

Having finished Dakota (Kathleen Norris) I've picked up where I left off with Thomas Merton's autobiography Seven Storey Mountain. As with other mentors, literary or physical, I often recieve gifts of insight long before I hear the whole of their stories. Same with Merton-- I had long pored over No Man is an Island and felt it was time that I sat down and heard his whole story. It's a long story--over 450 pages--but I'm sad to have set it aside for so long.

And, as is the case with other mentors, I'm naively astonished to discover that Thomas Merton, this great hero of the faith, was more messed up in his twenties than I am now. I suppose it's a bit of a relief (there's hope for me!) but I'm also intrigued, mystified by how he's gotten from point A to point B.

I know what Merton means when he talks about the disgust he looked at himself with at the end of his ventures into the world. I agree with this statement he makes--

I thought I was going to ransack and rob of all [the world's] pleasures and satisfactions. I had done what I intended, and now I found that it was I who was emptied and robbed and gutted. What a strange thing! In filling myself, I had emptied myself. In grasping things, I had lost everything. In devouring pleasures and joys, I had found distress and anguish and fear. (181)

Paradoxial, yes. And true. But I don't end it there, and neither does Merton. That last quote is near the end of Part I. Part II, however, opens with a very different tone, and I rejoice with what he says here--

What is "grace"? It is God's own life, shared by us. God's life is Love. Deus caritas est. By grace we are able to share in the infinitely self-less love of Him Who is such pure actuality that He needs nothing and therefore cannot conceivably exploit anything for selfish ends...

When a ray of light strikes a crystal, it gives a new quality to the crystal. And when God's infinitely diinterested love plays upon a human soul, the same kind of thing takes place. And that is the life called sanctifying grace. (186)

Like Merton, and like Lauren Winner, Kathleen Norris, and like so many others whose stories I've absorbed, I feel an irrisistable pull to the Church. I can't keep myself away. Faith literature remains my favorite genre. I am fascinated by the study of Spiritual Disciplines, even though there is something very deep and resistant in my heart towards all of this. I'm not sure what exactly that resistance is, or even how to fight it, but thank God that His grace is persistent. Thank God that His life can make my human potential into more than I could ever be on my own.

Betsy

Addendum to the New Years Resolutions...

2008-01-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

If I may, I think I'll make another New Year's Resolution, if it's not too late to ;) It's to actually make Sunday a day of rest... so that means doing my homework before then. Unfortunately I'll be scheduled to work on Sundays, but that's no so bad, I can still go to church in the evenings (or LOFT! handy) and it makes a big difference if I don't have homework to do. Instead, I would love to plug away at my pleasure reading list (also found at the bottom of this webpage). Right now I'm finishing up Dakota by Kathleen Norris, and I need to finish Seven Storey Mountain by T.Merton. These people are my literary mentors, and I don't spend enough time with them as it is :)

I'm thoroughly enjoying this Sunday, and it is truly a day of rest. I got to hear my brother Zach preach, which was pretty cool, and then we (Mom, Jessey, Z&J&J and I) went to the restaurant 'Real Food' (Alger/Eastern--highly recommended!) and had a very good breakfast there. Julia was being adorable, too. She's 6 months next week! Wow! She's wonderful. (And I'm a very proud auntie!)

If you haven't heard, I've got a tenative placement for my Jubilee Fellows internship. They'd like to send me to Bellflower, California! It's in the LA area. I had told Kary that I would love to be in a big city, and that I would also love to be in Southern California or Colorado since I have family in those states. (Let's just say my siblings have good taste in location!) I'd be working at Rosewood CRC (Bellflower is another one of those Dutch pockets in SoCal!) but it seems like a pretty diverse congregation. My mentor would be the Family ministries director, which is cool since I'd really like to work with whole families, not just kids (I want to be more than a Youth Pastor)... so I hope it works out! :D (Plus one of my good friends will also be in the LA area, so I'd have a buddy to go be a tourist with. Fun!) I can't believe it's just a few months away now. :)

Well, I've already mentioned that I have some reading to catch up on, and my dear friend Mary is coming over later today so I'm going to take some time to myself. Hope you all have a lovely weekend! I'm definitely going to be making the most of today and tomorrow before classes start up on Tuesday!

Bets

[Edit: Later....]

Another reason I should read more is that I write more. And I write more thoughtful things, too. I don't know why, really, but I'm particularly drawn to spiritual memoirs. I suppose it connects for me the life that is lived with the spiritual life and shows how interconnected they really are. In reading Dakota I find that her truth is often my truth; and it's said that all truth is God's truth. One thing I just read stuck me as very true and clarified something for me that I didn't even realize needed it. She says, on pages 131-132,

Conversion means starting with who we are, not who we wish we were. It means knowing where we come from.... Conversion doesn't offer a form of knowledge that can be bought and sold, quantified, or neatly packaged. It is best learned slowly in the community

Truth is new light shed on old situations. For me, this quote from K.Norris highlights for me both what I longed for in confession and the reasons why I was disappointed. It was my conversion experience if I've ever had one; and if that was conversion, it lacked the redemptive community response I had hoped for. Then again, K.N. is still right: conversions are never neatly packaged.

One revelation after another: Reading brings revelations and those revelations keep me reading. It's an ongoing cycle between my literary mentors (Christian and non-, as I discovered with Salman Rushdie a couple of years ago) and the promptings of the Spirit. It's deeply spiritual for me, and if I may consider it a spiritual discipline (and I would) I think this kind of reading is what CS Lewis is talking about when he says

For my own part, I tend to find the doctrinal books often more helpful in devotion that the devotional books, and I rather suspect that the same experience may await many others. I believe that many who find that 'nothing happens' when they sit down, or kneel down, to a book of devotion, would find that the heart sings unbidden while they are working their way through a tough bit of theology with a pipe in their teeth and a pencil in their hand. [On Theology and Devotion]

Love. Peace. Joy. {Such beautiful words with profound meaning! I wish them for you.}
Bets

A very fun night :) A story in pictures :)

2008-01-24T01:05:00.001-05:00

Project 1: Dinner
This is a recipe I found in a Rachael Ray magazine...
Before--

After--
It was a complete success and tasted delicious. :)

Project 2: Josh Kuiper's Birthday Cake
Step 1-- Bake the cake and frost the middle part

Step 2--Put the second layer on and frost that.

Step 3--Decorate with the rest of Debbi's chocolate frosting.

Later... Party at T.G.I.Fridays with... well, everyone Josh knows.

After bowling, we went back to Josh's apartment and made him blow out candles. As you can clearly see, he loves the cake. And it is, in fact, a gorgeous cake. And tasted perfect, too!

And God said....

2008-01-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

"You'll be okay."

I have been amazed by the emails and comments from that last post. It seems everyone has found their way to it and, unbelievably, can relate somehow. I've been really blessed by that. God has used it to prompt me to rethink some things, and it has also given me courage to keep trying. If I don't have the strength, others will be strong for me.

So, thank you for that. :)

As hard as the last post was to write, it was also brutally honest (as you noticed, obviously) and it was a kind of purging. Once I had written that post and gone to bed, the next morning I felt better, changed even. It's a lot like how I used to write poems about dealing with my dad's cancer. I hated writing the poems, because they were "too honest" and showed things about life that I didn't really want to acknowledge, but once I had released that anger onto paper I didn't have to feel it in my heart. So yes. That last post was like that. I was tempted to remove it, but as I re-read it, the truth was still there, whether or not it was eating away at me or not.

I mentioned in the last post that it was hard to think about anything else. Well, the next morning, I was able to start thinking about other things-- about Jubilee Fellows (church ministry internship for next summer, the class starts in less than 2 weeks!) and about how much I respect my dad for his efforts at Ebenezer. I've been able to talk to some people (like my lovely and wise mentor Heidi!) about where I'm at and also where I want to be. I've met some people and re-established some other friendships, which I should focus on some more.

I can't believe I have less than two years before I graduate (Dec 09!) and that one of those semesters will be student teaching. Time flies. I'm maturing in ways I'd never imagined, and I can't believe that I'm nearly 20.5 years old (Feb 7!) and that life is already happening. Talking to my mom today, we lamented how we wish my dad were here to see Zach preach and me do the internship this summer and all the rest--I know he'd be proud of us all, my mom included-- but at the same time, it's so good that we're in the here-and-now, that my mom IS married to Jessey, and that the triplets are in our lives and so much more--such blessings!

And so, taking the advice of all my family and friends, I take a step forward. It might be a half a step, or a baby step, but at least it's a step forward. And I smile. I haven't completely lost joy--after all, it'll always be my middle name ;)

Thanks again, for all your encouragement and support.

Betsy

hi, friends.

2008-01-18T00:25:00.000-05:00

It feels like it has been a while.

I've been pretty out of it lately, unsettled. I'm trying to find my words again-- literally, but also as a metaphor for my life. I told Sharon the other day that I've lost myself and don't really like who I'm walking around in lately.

I have my good days in with the bad days, but I'm mostly just exhausted in general from having to explain myself (in varying degrees) and constantly confront what I thought I'd let go of. It doesn't seem right, really, with this whole theological concept of confession and forgiveness and then have to live with it more after the fact than before. I'm actually rather convinced that our churches and communities have a false pretense of having mastered such disciplines--in reality, they all (we all? myself included) have absolutely no idea how to respond to confession and forgiveness in sociological terms. I've been disappointed in more ways than one, brokenhearted in more ways than one-- for my own story and longings, for the Calvin community's, for the ecumenical Church.

But besides that, I wish I had more to say. I realized this the other day, this wanting more to talk about than just what's in front of me at present. Because there are a lot of things, but none of them tug my heart or draw me to them. I suddenly have an awkward social life. I spend a lot of time doing nothing. I sleep--a lot. I cry a lot. I miss people, I miss my dad, I miss last semester. I stay up late watching dumb movies or watch the latest on politics (probably the most constructive thing I do). Mostly I just want to let go and move on and just stop having to deal with this when I wanted it to be over months ago.

I feel claustrophobic inside of my own life. Restless and antsy and probably mildly depressed. Even now, when the last thing I want is to talk about "this," I can't help it--because there's nothing else. I'm haunted by it. I dread everything-- the next meeting, the next person to be told, the next requirement, the next way it negatively effects my friendships and relationships with others, it kills me again. I say it again: I felt freed and forgiven for barely 24 hours. But then everything else, everyone else, turned me into what I had done. I'm not really a person anymore, and that's probably why I don't like myself. I'm only what I'd done--and what's terrible, is that I actually confessed it, I was actually forgiven of it, but I still can't escape it. I've been turned into what I'd done. The only difference now is that everyone knows about it.

I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I do regret it. Telling anyone, I mean. It didn't help. Things could have been different, and it would have been a truly honestly beautiful thing if it had been different. I don't know that I would have the heart to encourage anyone else to confess in the way that I did. I don't think I have the strength to keep going. I know I don't have the strength to keep going. I'm a failure. I feel more terrible about myself than I did before.

I just want to forget everything.

Betsy Joy-is-spent.

PS. Except that it's not true, because I desperately want it to have meaning, and I love ministry and the church and people and want to do that with my life. I just don't know what that looks like or what it means anymore.

2008-01-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

Well, life has changed, and thankfully it's a bit less of a whirlwind than the last couple weeks.

Right now I'm eating cheese and drinking hot chocolate, sitting on the couch in my new apartment, and watching the presidential debate. Earlier I was feeling pretty low, which has been the general feeling for a while now, but I'm surviving. It's a trick to figure out what to do with my social life (or lack thereof) but I interviewed for a job today at the Prince Coference center which I hope to get early next week.

If you're reading this, and you're confused: no, I'm not on the Barnabas Team anymore. Just so you know. (Long story.)

Betsy

[Insert adjective here] New Year.... 2008.

2008-01-01T00:07:00.000-05:00

Never have I faced the New Year with such a, well, I don't know what to call this attitude.

It's not a "bad" attitude: I welcome and appreciate each year and look forward to its blessings-- but this year just hurts, in so many places, and in so many ways.

It seems fitting, considering that I have written blog entries harolding the new year for quite some time now, to reflect for a moment and at least acknowledge that I'm facing change in a real way. It's quite easy to ignore the facts, and I've been able to for a couple of weeks. But if I don't accept certain things now, it'll only make it harder when others know those facts, too.

I know this is all terribly vague, and it's intended to be so, for reasons mostly out of my control at this point. It's just that I can easily list a dozen things that I have to do/will happen in the next four days that are going to hurt deeply and will likely hurt others deeply. Yep, pretty much rips my heart out to think about it. I almost feel sorry for the year 2008; what a dismal way to begin.

And, yet, Jesus is the Author of my salvation. I cling to that truth, however mystified I am about where the future is headed. Sigh. Has anyone read about Much-Afraid in Hind's Feet on High Places? It was exactly the story I needed at this point in time (and I read it in one sitting on the airplane) and so often I just wanted to cry, because I can see myself through those pages and I realize how many facts I need to face in my spirituality, too. Ouch again.

Oh Lord, Plant the seed of Love in my heart. Teach me Acceptance-with-Joy and Bearing-the-Cost. Make my feet like the deers'. I sacrifice my will on these feeble altars. Be my Savior, and I will follow you wherever you go.

Pray for me as I walk hand in hand with both Sorrow and Suffering,

Blessings in the new year

Betsy

Still Christmas Breaking in Colorado

2007-12-27T00:23:00.000-05:00

I had a lovely few days out in the mountains. Some highlights:

~Getting to know my sister's in-laws and eating good meals, playing shanghi and cranium and watching Madagascar or featured shows on the discovery channel :) Oh! And playing with Rocky and Willow, their dogs. (Morocco scored, too, with plenty of attention)

~Skiing! I only got three big bruises ;) It was fun, and gorgeous. It was so very different than my brief experiences of Michigan skiing. My favorite was our second day, when it was absolutely clear and sunny and you could see all the peaks of the surrounding mountain ranges.

~Singing hymns like "How Great Thou Art" (partly to keep warm!) on the ski lift when no one was around. Just me, the evergreens and mountains covered in snow, and Jesus :)

~Discovering that I really like eating cheddar cheese while drinking hot chocolate. Don't know why.

~Zooming down Wheeler/Coppertone while taking in the view all by myself and loving the feeling of it.

Pictures are on facebook. Sigh. Only Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Linde's house! Sunday afternoon I go to my aunt & uncle's to meet back up with my grandma, and then early Monday morning I fly back to Michigan...

And then on the 1st I'm headed back to GRR to do some moving/packing/shopping with Debbi!

Betsy

Pictures!

2007-12-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

So basically, I get to hang out with the boxers all day: Fallon and Rowan. They love me, and I love them. Here ^^ I'm curled up with Rowan/"Rosie" as my pillow... :)

On Sunday, Joe and Linde and I went to fetch ourselves a Christmas tree. Unfortunately it took us many stops, until we got a great deal on this one at a nearby Nursery.

^ Joe fixing the base

^ Morocco, the african grey parrot, looks on in approval.

^Linde puts the Angel on top

Happy Holidays!

Colorado!

2007-12-14T14:23:00.001-05:00

Yes. As the title implies, I am in Colorado at my sister's house. And-- I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Their dogs, Rowen and Fallon, have been great company this morning, as well as Morocco, their African Gray Parrot. Right now the doggies are curled up by the fire, and I've just made some mac 'n cheese. Yummers. :)

Had a good flight/trip out here, too. Delayed in GR, but the whole direct flight into Denver is shnazzy! I got almost my whole paper done on the plane (yeah, which I need to email to my prof, soon...) which was a good use of my time.

Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire... or at least Fyodor Dosteovesky and I will be. I'm reading The Idiot which Zach gave me for Christmas and so far I'm enjoying it! D has great rhetoric--duh. But really. He does.

I'll take pictures of my trip and post them later!
Bets

betsy full-of-joy.

2007-12-11T21:00:00.001-05:00

I still remember when I was working at Pfaltzgraff in high school, and one day my dad stopped in and my manager stopped to chat. She said that I was a "joy" to work with, and my dad replied "that's her middle name"... and a deep association was made.

Ever since I learned the depth and meaning of 'joy,' (especially when my dad passed and I found what real joy was--"sorrow and love mingled down" creates it) I've wanted to continue living up to it. My parents couldn't have known what a blessing this name would be nearly 20.5 years ago, but every time I hear someone describe me by the word "joy," it's like God's gift to me. He's saying over and over again,

Yes, Betsy. You are my Joy. And you are doing a good job of it--other people see it, too.

Lots has changed. Another season of my life has ended with the semester. In some ways (namely, academically) this semester was an easy one. In other ways, it couldn't have been more difficult. But Grace has been present throughout, and God has remained faithful to me. So I'll be faithful to Him. It's the least I can do as I rest in His goodness. If this is the road I'm walking, I'll skip down it. I can still celebrate, and there is still joy.

Betsy Joy

2007-12-10T17:34:00.001-05:00

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

anxious heart.

2007-12-10T10:47:00.000-05:00

Oh Heavenly Father, (Abba!)
I hurt. My heart hurts. I'm anxious to know what the future holds, and it hurts. I pray boldly, nonetheless, because that You alone hold my life in Your hands. You are the one who loves me, who carries me, who lifts me up with hope. You fill me with Living Water--and I am satisfied. I rejoice in the power of Your freedom and goodness, and You, God, are the one I petition. Hear my cry. Do not leave me now. I trust in You.

Amen.

Advent Songs...

2007-12-07T20:25:00.001-05:00

I was tagged by Heidi. I'm on it-- no reluctance there... (only 5 songs?!)

1. First, Mannheim Steamroller Christmas albums. Any of them. It was listening to Mannheim steamroller as a child while putting up the Christmas tree that made it feel like Christmas, and it always inspired in me a deep understanding of the rich excitement and gloriousness of this season. Musically, there are just so many layers, and it added so much depth. Just thinking about Mannheim Steamroller gets me anticipating the Christmas season!

2. "Do you hear what I hear?" is a longtime favorite. I remember singing it with the Holland Youth Chorale when I was probably in 5th grade. It encapuslates the progression-- from the birth of Christ, to the lowly shepherds, to the city and king, and finally, to "people everywhere!"

3. The Newsboys' version of "Where You Belong/Turn your eyes upon Jesus" --It's totally appropriate for the Christmas season in so many ways, as we turn our eyes towards Him. (see?)
When you're dull from all that glitters,
when you're thoughts have a hollow ring,
when you can't escape from the feeling
you're getting it wrong...
All your foolproof plans seem foolish,
all your status is status quo,
all your really need to know
is where you belong.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in his wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow
strangely dim in the light
of his glory and grace.
I was used to the cold for so long
that I couldn't feel anything.
And I shivered and stared like a beggar
who won't lift his hands.
I was numb until he touched me.
I was deaf until he heard.
I was senseless 'til I met the one
who understands.

4. I'm copying Heidi-- O Come, O Come Emmanuel. Just because it's assumed. And gorgeous.

5. Handel's Messiah. I remember a couple of the Christmases we went to go hear my sister sing in the Messiah. It is quite an experience, even as a kid. It is part of what ushers me into the season, waiting for the moment and anticipating the ways that God's Salvation works itself out through the world, from beginning to end.

Blessings,
Betsy

Full of Light :)

2007-12-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

There are hardly words to describe this past week. Maybe you can imagine what it was like by envisioning the face of my friend, Mary, as I told my story and the events unfolded one after another, interconnected. Her eyes were shining, but also on the verge of tears. She couldn't keep from smiling, and joy was definitely present (and contagious!) in this place.

God has been doing a good work in me. He transformed me deeply in the span of four days (and a fifth to process) and I am still shocked that all of this happened so quickly! But because of the support, resources and circumstances-- it was time to be free from my burden once and for all.

There were so many factors. There were three especially intuitive individuals who, without their prompting and encouragement, I may have never faced this at all. Other people played a significant role, too, with words and songs and Scriptures provided to me through them as comfort.

And now? There is a real freedom. I won't deny that. But I also savor the sensation of it while I can, because I know that part of the journey is going to be defending the Truth I've found-- fighting the temptations of the devil (as I'm sure he's panicked at least a few times this week!) and putting on the armor of God in order to resist his new schemes. I'm not afraid, though. I've experienced the Grace of God to an extent that deeply washes away shame and fear. After all, we're told not to be afraid of men, because they can only kill you-- but be afraid of the One who can destroy your soul. Puts things in perspective.

And I was right (or rather, God was right) because my taking this step to lay all of my sin on the altar has already provided opportunities to minister to others, to share my joy with them, and to challenge them (authentically, not because it's the "right thing to say") to be real with others about struggles.

God is good. As Mary pointed out last night, isn't it just absolutely incredible that the glory of God would be for our benefit? Normally when someone is glorified, it makes everyone else look small and insignificant-- but not so with God. When God is in full glory, He glorifies us with Him-- and we're allowed to be transformed and exalted before him because of it. Praise God. Praise Him.

I think I mentioned this before, but it's also amazing how --- well, I once was blind but now I see. There are so many points of theology and of scripture that I knew but never understood. That total depravity idea makes a whole lot more sense, now. Sin is more real in my life than I have ever understood, and how it is far more than an action, but much more a state of life we live in knowingly or unknowingly. Grace and God's love is also very real.

I look forward to this new season of growth. I look forward to the opportunities that God had already put into place that I didn't get excited about before. My joy has reached a new height.

In the precious name of Jesus, the author of Salvation--

BetsyJoy

The Savior

2007-11-29T22:27:00.000-05:00

This was the next prayer in my book Valley of Vision... I invite you all to pray it with me.

The Savior

Thou God of all grace,
Thou hast given me a savior,
produce in me a faith to live by him,
to make him all my desire,
all my hope,
all my glory.

May I enter him as my refuge,
build on him as my foundation,
walk in him as my way,
follow him as my guide,
conform to him as my example,
receive his instructions as my prophet,
rely on his intercession as my high priest,
obey him as my king.

May I never be ashamed of him or his words,
but joyfully bear his reproach,
never displease him by unholy or imprudent conduct,
never count it a glory if I take it patiently
when buffeted for a fault,
never make the multitude my model,
never dely when the Word invites me to advance.

May thy dear Son preserve me from this present evil world,
so that its smiles never allure,
nor its frowns terrify,
nor its vices defile,
nor its errors delude me.

May I feel that I am a stranger and a pilgrim on earth,
declaring plainly that I seek a country,
my title to it becoming daily more clear,
my meetness for it more perfect,
my fortastes of it more abundant;

and whatsoever I do may it be done in the Savior's name.

AMEN!

I am whole.

2007-11-29T12:48:00.000-05:00

Jeremy Camp-"Empty Me"

Holy fire burn away
My desire for anything
That is not of you and is of me
I want more of you
And less of me

Empty me, empty me, fill me
With you, with you

This song is incredibly appropriate for this moment of my life.

A holy fire burnt away over 16 pages of a confession today, after pouring it all out in three hours' time with a couple of my mentors. It was a spiritual surgery; a procedure to extract a second self from my life-- another side of me that lived in darkness, that no one knew about. That self is gone. I have fully entered into the Light. I am free.

There is no condemnation in Christ, but there are consequences. I'm still working through that part. But I rejoice in the Lord (always!) because He is revealing a plan for my life that far exceeds what I expected for myself. I never dreamed of exposing that side of me-- now I've done that. That was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. Now, what I once intended to hide and never ever mention is reversed-- I am able to tell people that I'm struggling, that I've got stuff to deal with, and I don't have to worry about what is or isn't said.

I am exhausted. But yet deeply refreshed. I can actually rest, now. I have the Spirit of Him living in me-- the same power that raised Christ from the dead is present in me. And I wield it.

I understand, now. I understand what it means to work out our own salvation. He is generous, loving and gracious, but He isn't going to pry out of my hands what I refuse to give Him. But he will take my hands gently, and help me to, if I let him. And He did. And He's removed it from me and placed it with the things he carried with him on the cross.

Again! Praise God, from whom all blessings flow....

I have been made whole again!

Betsy

Transformation, Part A

2007-11-29T00:49:00.000-05:00

God is doing big things in my life.

...Like digging up a past that I never dreamed I'd confront, let alone now.

And yet, I'm getting it. I feel like the Eustace in Chronicles of Narnia, when he's been turned into a dragon. It's hurting me so badly, but only the sharp nail of the Lion of Judah can pull these dark scales away from me. I don't have to be two people anymore.

Spiritual Surgery in seven hours. I'm meeting with Marcia and Sharon. I'm terrified-- or was, earlier-- but now I'm just excited and anticipate the new testimony, the new grace story, that I can give. Now I understand the reason why I haven't told my dorm my story yet. There was still more of my story to be written that they would need to hear. Already, it's changing me. It's affecting how people relate to me. And that's a good thing.

The song Mighty to Save came up in dorm worship tonight (which Seth brilliantly covered for me, so I could "deal with it") and I'd never deeply realized the implications of the words "Author of Salvation".... Wow. Jesus designed salvation, redemption from the burden of sin, so that I-- Betsy Joy-- could experience it. I have got to stop feeling as though I need to clean myself up before coming to the Throne-- I should have come a long time ago just as I was, and let God redeem that past along with the other things that I did let Him have.

Mighty to Save
[Marty Sampson]

Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Anyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I Surrender
I Surrender…

Shine your light and
Let the whole world see
We’re singing for the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus Shine your light and
Let the whole world see
We’re singing for the glory
Of the risen King

2nd Chronicles 7:14--

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

I am called by His name. I will humble myself. I will pray. I will seek his face. And I will turn from my wicked ways, from my darkness, and be a Child of the Light.

And I will hear from heaven. I will be forgiven of my sin. and my life, my land, will receive healing.

Jeremy Camp-"Empty Me"
Holy fire burn away
My desire for anything
That is not of you and is of me
I want more of you
And less of me

Empty me, empty me, fill me
With you, with you

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

Praise Him, all creatures here below.

Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts.

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

AMEN!

Betsy Joy

I'm falling in love... with Africa.

2007-11-20T21:10:00.000-05:00

A lesson: Be careful what you pray for.

Not that praying with audacity, boldly petitioning the throne of God is a bad thing. But I think in some instances, the process of prayer is what helps us realize what we're actually asking for.

Anyone who knows me, knows my passport is a prized possession. I love to travel. And I love to teach. And I love to minister to others. Put those all together: I'm pretty passionate about my dream of going places to do all of the above. (Side note: I've never considered myself as someone who wants to be a "missionary"... is that weird?) To those who ask me where I want to go, my response has often been "If you gave me an envelope with a plane ticket in it, and told me there was a teaching job at the other end, I'd go."

And to be honest, I think that I would go. I would at least try.

But lately, God has been reminding me of what I'm actually saying. It's almost as though He's nudging me to really take that seriously. It first started when I started mentally excluding Japan (for selfish reasons: I wouldn't want that long of a workday!) And then I learned about Kibera. And my heart broke for it. It was then that I realized that not knowing where I'd end up before getting on the hypothetical airplane would certainly be easier than anticipating a place like Kibera.

Kibera is the largest slum in Africa. Its currugated metal roofs create a sea that stretches out endlessly. It is located near Nairobi, Kenya, and is home to perhaps a million people. No one really knows. Few people are even aware of this nightmare that thousands of young children wake up to every day. Sanitation and water, let alone electricity, is practically a joke. And yet, it exists. Out of sight, out of mind? Really? Is that acceptable?

I'm finding it hard to say no, even though Reason has been kicking into full gears whenever I think about my place in the world and where God may use my passions. Reason is the Devil's advocate, reminding me of other places I'd like to go. Reason even dares to mention that I can't hear naturally, even though I've never let my hearing impairment stop me before--even though I almost did, when I was afraid of not understanding Scottish accents. Reason says I wouldn't like it.

And yet. I hunger and thirst for righteousness. I ache for the brokenhearted. Something in my heart, deep down, knows that Christ is found among the poor, the lame and sick, the dejected and rejected. You wonder why so many people don't feel God in their lives. Have they really looked for him in the places where He is working?

Yes, the poor and suffering are found in West Michigan, too. But can we honestly (and morally) deny the fact that poverty is far more severe elsewhere? I honestly have never seen a malnutrioned child in all of my volunteer work. There are not hundreds of children dying in Grand Rapids because there's a lack of clean water. Yes, we need to take care of our own. But that is not enough.

So. Will I go "anywhere"? Even if God stops the plane the way that the angel stayed Abraham's knife, I ought to make the move to sacrifice my expectations for God's will. It is in the giving up of ourselves that we realize what we're meant to give.

Hallelujah, He is coming,
Hallelujah, He is here.
Hallelujah, He is coming,
Hallelujah, He is here.

More on changing the world:
http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/
http://www.micahchallenge.org/
http://www.wateraid.org/

Betsy Joy

Optional Reading:

Yes, I still love Scotland, Glasgow and Europe. Yes, Europe needs missions. But I've never realized the extent of the need in Africa, and what I'm finding is perspective-shattering. It makes my soul sick and groan with the Holy Spirit for all of Creation, and my heart gasps Oh, my God. Is it so strange that I long to hold the dying children in my arms, if only to comfort them until they reach the Father's?

Africa has come up in almost every context these days. Maybe it started with Geography class and the realizations of why Africa suffers so much. In my aiding placement, we spent time talking about East Africa, and about half of my students Somalis from Kenya. Following that, multiple conversations (and pictures!) with Josh Kuipers, a fellow Barnabas who has spent a lot of time in Kenya, lit a spark of wanting to know more, more, more. Then, perhaps entirely a God thing, I felt inspired to pick the theme of Water for my unit lesson plans, not really knowing at first which direction I would take it. That's when I encountered wateraid.org, an extensive non-profit organization that seeks to provide the thirsty with sufficient water as well as teaching on proper sanitary and hygiene routines. They led me straight back to East Africa. Again I was sick just reading about the needs there, and then revolted at the statistics I found about how much water a single American uses in a single year (about 30,000 gallons of water, averaging about 80-100 gallons a day.) Tonight I curled up on my couch with African folktales, looking for stories that related to water. I've been falling in love with this ancient continent.

Teach us, Lord, to pray.

Hm.

2007-11-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

The last 24 hours have been full of conversation. There were conversations going on in my ESL classroom with students, at my volunteer agency about future college options, over dinner with my girls on 3rd, with Mary Sheppard (from 7ish-1:30am!) about everything under the sun, with a small group this morning, and with Emily Hanna.

I thrive on conversation; it allows me to think out loud and to relate more deeply. But I've also been thinking about the conversations that I haven't been having. People I've neglected, people whom I don't see nearly as much as I'd like to (siblings included), people I wish I could connect with and can't seem to. Some of those lack of conversations are due to lack of time [management], others to lack of courage. Some people I just shouldn't have these conversations with. And then there's those who I'd like to seek out for meaningful conversation but realize that my own [unconcious/ulterior--however well intentioned] motives might get in the way of the conversation. (I.e., guys I might end up having a 'thing' for.)

And yet, what strikes me is that most of our lives are spent listening. I think we all forget that. We choose what we listen to, as well. Music is an obvious one. God is an obvious one, too, except that we don't intentionally do it very often. Or at least, I don't.

Hm. Think I should spend some time talking to God today.

Bets