A Year in the Life

My 23rd birthday is fast approaching. I feel like I've earned more than one birthday this year; so much has happened in the last 12 months that don't often happen to someone all at once.

I fell in love,
got engaged to the man of my dreams,
Graduated from college,
Moved my life across the country with hardly a few hundred dollars in the bank,
Got hired for my first real job teaching with real benefits and insurance(!),
Had my fiance break up with me,
Got in my first car accident,
Found a new church,
Bought my first car,
Learned to pay my own bills,
Said goodbye to my first group of students and school,
Now unemployed for the first time,
AND visited Central America for the first time.


Yep. Quite a bit in fewer than 12 months.

So in many ways, I'm back on square one, but on the other hand I'm a world away from who I used to be. It's been quite the journey to put a life together, especially when so much of my heart and so many of my dreams had been dashed to pieces... But God's grace has been transformative and instrumental. I want to thank those who have stayed by my side through it all: especially my mom, my bible study girls, my friend and roommate Courtney, and the awesome teachers, staff and students at Horizon.

I bought a book today called "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" And although it sounds dumb, it's actually a fantastic book of beautiful questions. I hope to get back into writing and do some serious self-evaluation by blogging about the topics that the book raises. Join me in thinking about these things, if you'd like. I'm also excited to introduce some of these questions to my future students--whoever they are.

Thanks for being patient with me, blogging world. I hope I'm back.

Betsy Joy

Lately.

Hello, blog-world.

It has been a while. I say this regretfully-- so much has happened since my last post, I can't even begin to describe all that God has been doing lately.

Let's just say that I've seen God's faithfulness, perfect timing and love come together to give me a most precious gift.

Danny and I have been dating about three and a half months now, and every day is a confirmation that we are meant for each other. The distance is hard-- but our friendship and companionship is thriving and our love is growing daily.

We knew from the very beginning that this was big-- really big-- and that it was from God. I've had a lot of convictions that resulted in amazing experiences, and when I found Danny, I had the biggest conviction about him that I'd ever felt. That was a clue. ;)

There are the skeptics: people I used to be. That love at first sight (or site, haha) was only in the movies; that you can't really know a person when you've never been with them; that there could be more than one person out there for you; you can't trust someone you've met on a free dating site.

Or there are closer friends and family who've been skeptical: I didn't need to find a boyfriend online, so I must be desperate; I'm jealous of my friends engagements and so things have been rushed; or because it's online it's not a "real" relationship, it's just convenient for me for when I want him.

My answer to all the skeptics: False. All false.

Yes, I've heeded the warnings and I'm careful. But what Danny and I have is far bigger and far more wonderful than either of us ever planned on or imagined. These things don't come along every day, and there's no way I'm passing him up ;)

God is good. And I hope you'll be happy for me! I have such joy in the Lord because of Danny's presence in my life. Danny is helping me become a much better woman and yet I am always completely myself with him. Doesn't get much better than that :)

------------------------------------------------

In other news, I've been working at the Christian Reformed Home Missions office this summer. I love my job-- It has gotten me so excited about ministry and church planting! I am really blessed with both the great opportunity to serve but also a regular full-time income. This weekend I am headed to North Carolina for a convention as a vendor representing HM! Pretty cool!

In another month I'll be starting my last semester(!) at Calvin!! I can't wait to be done, although I do love the professors and enjoy the academics. I'm taking 15 credits-- 12 that are required and an extra 3 "for fun." I hope, for a number of reasons, that this semester goes by quickly! Between classes, working at the Prince Conference Center, homework, church and a long-distance relationship, I think I'll stay pretty busy :)

Blessings, friends. I'll try to update again soon.

Betsy

A Sestina for Dad

A Sestina* For Dad
For Dewey Vandenberg
15 February 1953--28 October 2004


There, in the living room, my dad
sleeps under a thin sheet. A nurse from home
hospice care motions to my mom, and they speak
in low tones, both knowing it’s time
to prepare for the end of his sickness.
I’d rather forget,

but can never forget,
his graying hair or my dad’s
sunken cheeks, or the way he was sick
for years, and now he’ll never leave our home
again. As days blur together into weeks, time
passes quietly, since he can barely speak.

But this is hardly new; for years we hardly spoke
and I know he hasn’t forgotten
my harsh words to him, like the time
when I screamed and hit my dad
again and again when we left home
one day. I was so angry that he was sick.

I, too, was sick
of dealing with the sadness every time he spoke
about how he’d miss us, miss this home.
He didn’t want us to forget
about him, about our own dad--
but he understood the erosion of time.

It’s worth remembering those times
when he was still healthy, not weak or sick,
and recall the enthusiasm and delight of my dad’s
laughter and jokes. Or, when he’d speak
to us about certain childhood joys almost forgotten;
those memories reverberate on the walls of our home.

My siblings and I laugh. They’re home
and we all wait together, passing the time
with games and casseroles given to us by others, names forgotten,
who also mourned while my dad was sick.
Their quiet gifts and countless Hallmark cards spoke
volumes about the ministry and widespread influence of my dad.

But now-- now my dad is in his heavenly Home
and I speak less about those times
of his sickness, but my heart cannot forget.


B. Vandenberg
April 2009



*A sestina is a form of poetry with six stanzas and an envoy that repeat six words throughout the piece at the end of each line, in a specific order. The poetry class just learned about this today, and I was intrigued by it and decided to give it a try. I'm amazed at what truths can reveal themselves even in (because of?) a tightly controlled form.

I want to remember this.

I have not felt such a strong conviction about anything in a long time; I've felt prompting and nudging, and I suppose those have been enough to get me in the right direction. Promptings and nudgings landed me in New Mexico last January, for example. It didn't take much for me to know I needed to go. 

But these convictions, boy, they're something else. It's when the Holy Spirit totally grips my heart and mind and fills me with this incredible sensation. I only seem to get it when what my heart longs for seems utterly impossible; but I've come to know this feeling intimately, and it means anything is possible.

Anything. All things are possible. When I dreamed about going on Royal Servants, the odds were not in my favor, but I felt this feeling of conviction and months later, I was in Europe, even though the trip cost thousands of dollars and my dad was sicker than he'd ever been. But God provided.

Anything-- All things are possible! I met my first boyfriend on a cruise in Mexico on Valentine's Day, playing with dolphins, when we were just 16. I had this strange conviction that there was something about him, something lasting beyond the four days of the cruise-- and we ended up dating for three years, and he was with me when my dad died. Even though he isn't a part of my life anymore, Jordan meant the world to me at a time I needed him most. 

Anything is possible. Ever since my first trip to Europe, I felt a longing to go back. Then-- you guessed it--I got that strong conviction again. One step at a time, God made it possible for me to spend a semester in Glasgow on my own, studying at the University, volunteering with amazing people and being with a church that would show me what "community" meant for the first time-- He broke my heart for Glasgow, the city, poverty and the under-resourced. 

All things are possible with God. While I was yet in Scotland, I found out about the Jubilee Fellows summer ministry internship program. It struck me with the same conviction (which, by now, I have learned to listen closely to!) but it wasn't time yet-- I couldn't apply for another year. But when that year passed, I remembered that strong feeling of conviction, even though I didn't feel it just then. But sure enough, I got in the program, and God used it in powerful ways for my own healing and growth, as well as ministry to others in Southern California. 

 

My literary mentor, Thomas Merton, has encouraged me to pay close attention to those deep movings of the Spirit-- I think that if it gets ignored, it's harder to trust later on. But when you do listen, and let it guide you, the possibilities of God's grace and provision are limitless.

That's why I value it so much-- when the Spirit starts moving like this, it's more amazing than eating the best food or wearing the costliest diamonds, because it means that my God is present and active and interested in my life, which is an honor above all else. 

Yet, so much of it comes from trusting your own heart, as well-- acknowledging the freedom that God has put into your own hands to pursue the dreams that HE has given to you, in order to bring Him glory and joy through your life. 

So yes, I have that feeling of conviction again. It's exciting, it's breathtaking, but it's also thrillingly terrifying! (I forgot about that part!) 

I can't explain what this means-- who knows what God will do with it this time? :) All I know is that I've got that feeling, so strongly, so passionately in my soul, and I'm going to listen. Maybe, in another year or so, I'll look back on this post and smile, and be able to add to that list of what God has done for me.  

Betsy Joy

The worship service at MCC today was wonderful and gave me such clarity on my life. Pastor Jason (our amazing intern!) preached his best sermon today about Luke 19:28-44. Instead of simply focusing on the celebration and joy of the moment-- because hallelujah, the King has come!-- he also drew our attention to verse 41: 

As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace---"

Why would Jesus weep? Because Israel missed the point. Yes, Christ is King. But His is a heavenly kingdom, not an earthly one. The Jews wanted a king who could fix their surface problems (however serious) inflicted on them by the Romans. Jesus weeps because His purpose is greater-- to bring about the salvation of the world!-- yet they can't see it. 

"...Had only known what would bring you peace..."

These lines jumped out at me. I wondered if Jesus could say the same to me on many occasions where I have turned away from Him and toward sin. Does my Savior weep? Maybe yes. He could easily be saying to me "If you would only know, only acknowledge in your heart, what would bring you peace, you would refuse the sin that you find so gratifying. Turn to me, my dearest Betsy. Turn to me, confess and be forgiven-- that will bring you the peace you desire." 

And yet, I don't. I want a king who will fix my external problems. Lately I've been in "planning mode" and it's so easy to get caught up in the "haves" and "have-nots" and get angry at God for all of the "have-nots." Looking at that perspective makes my life seem so empty-- I don't have a career, I'm not living on my own, there are no relationship prospects. Yet the King's purpose is not to satiate my surface ideals and desires; His purpose is the salvation of my soul. 

Oof. 

Suddenly, I can truly sing a different song: "Lord, You are good! Lord, you are good! Lord, you are good to me!" :) 

There is peace and light in my heart. I acknowledge the salvation brought to me in love 2,000 years ago. What an amazing God we serve! One whose love and passion continues even today... it doesn't get more incredible than that. 

Betsy Joy

 

Brown Penny - A Love Poem by Wm Butler Yeats

I whispered, 'I am too young,'

And then, 'I am old enough';

Wherefore I threw a penny

To find out if I might love. 

'Go and love, go and love, young man, 

If the lady be young and fair.'

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny, 

I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,

There is nobody wise enough

To find out all that is in it, 

For he would be thinking of love

Till the stars had run away 

And the shadows eaten the moon. 

Ah penny, brown penny, brown penny, 

One cannot begin  it too soon.

-Wm Butler Yeats

A poem spoken at the breakfast table with light streaming in. "I like that," mom says.

i thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and love and wings: and of the gay 

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any- lifted from the no 

of all nothing - human merely being

doubt unimaginable You? 

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

ee cummings

I still exist.

I love teaching. 

I am a born teacher.

I love English, it makes me happy. 

Good lessons give me good energy. 

Excellent lessons put me on ten feet of air; I get inspired to write articles for the English Journal.

Teaching is exhausting, hence why nothing gets published further than a blog post. 

I like to compare aspects of teaching to the story of Adam naming the animals. 

I don't eat enough, sleep enough, exercise enough, see friends enough, relax enough... yet I've never been better. 

(The last statement was an exaggeration, except for the "I've never been better" part.)

I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life, and doggoneit, I didn't pay an arm and a leg at Calvin to get burned out after four years, so watch me teach till the day I die! ;) (In some capacity, at least!)

I don't know when to stop blogging sometimes.

Betsy

Love for Christ (apparently part 3 of these love-themed posts!)

It's hard for me to believe that I once couldn't bring myself to go to church on Sunday mornings. That just over a year ago, I had "gods" in my life that attempted to separate me from the One who loves me most. Now, here I am, completely enamored with the Church and the Christ who is the Head, and unbelievably welcomes me into a real Relationship with Him. Yes, it's messy. Yes, it's hard and the lines are sometimes blurred, but living in expectancy of His grace and goodness is so much better than living with expectations.

MCC has been one of the greatest gifts I have received from God. My brothers and sisters in Christ there are real people with real problems and also a real love for God. They have demonstrated true hospitality towards me, and in turn, it has overflowed from them to me and now from me to others. I love serving there. I am so thrilled to be a part of that community, and to be able to get involved in deeper ways all the time, esp for next summer! I have flourished and found joy again. I have accepted the forgiveness of Christ and the joy (after the Pain) is uncontainable. Just try and get me to hold still while I sing there! ;)

I can hardly believe the changes in my own person. I still have the same struggles, and it's pretty clear when I look at my life that I have stuff to deal with yet, but I am so different all the same. I am the member of the Body that I have longed to be. Broken as I am, I've found that the weak ARE able to lead the strong. I have found that Christian community is deeply satisfying in a way that I had been very skeptical of before. God is so good to me. His faithfulness endures.

Betsy

a different kind of love story

Today is February 15th. My dad would have been 56 today! And each year since his death, I've done little things to remind myself (and often, reminding others) of his life. Sometimes these things include a rose on his grave, or to visit the church he worked at, or going through a box of his things to look one more at his drivers license picture, his wallet, various papers marking the progress through his life and death.

Changing my profile picture and status on FB is a tiny thing to do compared to the loss that I've experienced, but it helps me remember him. Frederick Buechner, in his book Telling Secrets, describes the way he forgot altogether what his dad was like because no one ever talked about it.

Writing this blog post to reflect on these things I do helps me remember the reasons why I do those things.

It's the little things we do, that help us remember the past by, not by erecting a monument in my dad's honor. It's the way I honor him in my life every day-- from the dreams I'm pursuing, the involvement at my church, getting on the Dean's list (again!)--that would make my dad proud. And so I go ahead and change my profile picture to the one of us wearing silly hats in Key West, because that's a memory (bittersweet as it is) that I can remember and smile at. There are other memories, too, trapped into poems and pictures that are not so happy, and today is not the day for remembering those. Some other time, some other October.

I miss you, Dad. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Betsy

love stories.

five years ago today, i met my first boyfriend. his name is jordan.
he now lives in tulsa, happily in a relationship with someone else.
we spent three valentine's days together.


two years ago today, i was not on a date with a brand new boyfriend. we went out with friends who needed our love more, and that was a good memory. (we went out the following weekend.) his name is eric.
he is at calvin, too. he is now happily in a new relationship with someone else.

when i think back to the men in my life-- all of them, from high school crushes, all my four different kissers, to long-distance-long-term relationships, to summer daydreams and significant coffee dates (at least in my mind), friendly dates and hopeful glances-- it's quite the variety. my men have been quite the unconventional types.

my love story is not turning out how i thought it would five, four, three or two years ago, or even one year ago. but that's okay. it's better. my heart is better attuned to who the Lord is calling me to love, and I wouldn't trade the deep love of Jesus for anything. :)

it was strange, though, to spend today as a truly single woman, unattached and available. it was quite unromantic. my mom did give me some new fun jewelry, though! and candy hearts (even though i don't like candy hearts... oh well.) i watched tv. there were a few valentine's day episodes on, which were cute. and my mom and stepdad went out for dinner while i ate chicken nuggets. not so bad, really. i did talk to jordan for a few minutes via fb, which was really good for me. we've all changed so much, for the better, for the stronger and wiser. :) i can only wonder what my next valentine's day will be like. where in the world will i be? who will i know? what will i do? i guess i just have to keep up the adventure of my life to find out.


<3 betsy

A friend of a friend of a friend..... wrote this:

...I especially won’t believe that God wants me to know the Bible, but not know literature, relationships, beauty, work, sacrifice, science, art and service. I will approach all those things as a Biblically thinking Christian, with a grid of God and the Gospel giving cohesion and hope to all I experience and encounter.

I want to suggest that “Bible study” that amounts to an obsessive concern with what the Bible says and no more is not the way we live the Christian life. If we know God and the Gospel, we should raise our sails in the winds of human experience, creativity and discovery, expecting God’s truth to be there as well.

I experience this frequently. I will teach a poem or story and realize I am in the Biblical world. I will sense in human brokenness the Biblical story. In a thousand ways I see the face and compassion of Jesus. In explorations and discoveries I see the marvel of God’s power and detail in creation.

None of these thing take the Bible away from me. I take the Bible with me into these parts of my life. I take the Bible, its “map” of reality and truth, its message of hope and most of all, its Gospel of redemption, resurrection and a new world begun in Christ.


I got this from my friend Steph's blog, who reflected on it and I liked the quote she had from someone else's blog, a guy by the name of Michael Spencer (aka Internetmonk). I went and read the context, and it was intriguing. I'd encourage you to check it out and consider what he says, especially his last question: "Is the Bible a stopping place or a starting place for Christian thinking?"

Anyway. Interesting stuff. Thought I would pass it on.

Betsy

Teaching blog

Hi Friends.

Student teaching is going wonderfully well. I have actually started another blog for my own reflections (since typing is easiest for me, and a blog is conveniently available anywhere there is a computer). I have made it unlisted/ private, because I don't want to risk a bad situation of misunderstandings between me/students/parents/other teachers/etc.

However, I know that many of you would be interested in following my stories (and reading yet another blog) about teaching and I would be more than happy to make it available to you in that way. If you're interested, leave a comment and I'll add you to my list. :) I'm also planning on emailing my updates to my advising professors, so email is an option too.

Time for bed!

Betsy

Oh, how I love You Jesus! <3

There is a name I love to hear
I love to sing its worth
It sounds like music in mine ear
The sweetest name on earth

Oh, how I love you, Jesus
Oh, how I love you, Jesus
Oh, how I love you, Jesus
Because you first loved me!

It tells me of a Saviour's love
Who died to set me free
It tells me of His precious blood
The sinner's perfect plea

It tells me what my Father hath
In store for ev'ry day
And though I tread a darksome path
Yields sunshine all the way

It tells of One whose loving heart
Can feel my deepest woe
Who in each sorrow bears a part
That none can bear below

Weird teaching dreams (NOT the ambitions kind!)

Two days before I start my student teaching, and I'm starting to have teaching dreams. Ack!

I dreamt that I was at a huge school, and it was my first day. This place was enormous... and it was totally disorganized. The kids basically had the run of the school. In my dream, I don't think there was actually any classroom instruction, because the teachers really didn't know what to do. 

In one of the hallways (which looked vaguely like HCHS, lol), the teacher showing me around was terrified of the students, even though they appeared to be pretty normal kids. I remember I was telling her "You know, we're older than them, smarter than them, we can run faster and farther than them... well, most of them." (Gee, what a line.) 

Then there were other parts of the building, though, which were like a castle, with rooms that were dark and unused. As one teacher said "Hey! Where were you?" He just looked at her sheepishly and said "I was talking to Anna." The teacher said "Who's that, your girlfriend?" which didn't seem entirely appropriate to say. But just then, another kid said "Hey look! There are the Bedtime Boys!" 

You should have seen it (not that I really was, but this is still all in my dream)-- in this dark room with a pingpong table, these middle-school-aged boys had totally set up a fort underneath and around the table, and had gone unnoticed for what was probably weeks. They had pillows and cushions and blankets everywhere. The light got turned on, and the boys scrambled to escape. But the other teacher and I tried to get them to stand in a line where we could see them... and then I woke up (thanks Meghan... just kidding!) 

Oh, but I forgot to tell you about the playground. The property went for miles, and the school was at one corner of it. There really weren't any structures to play on, just an enormous sheet of old blacktop that desperately needed resurfacing. And oh, the chalk. There were drawings everywhere. Not the "oh, cool, kids are using their imaginations" kind of drawings, it was mostly just lines from here to there, to walk along. (The kids didn't listen, big surprise.) It felt horrible. Blacktop and chalk. These kids just didn't play. I remember wanting to get the whole thing resurfaced and paint some real lines that they couldn't mess with down, and some other things too like four-square or the USA, or something like what I had as a kid, to actually play with. 

Then there were the teachers. I kind of mentioned they seemed incompetent, but it was mostly out of fear. But sometimes they were as bad as the kids. There were a group of teachers hanging around a thing that looked like an above-ground pool with no water in it (about the size of a hot tub, but with the shape of half an egg, all rounded with no ladder or steps) and the things they were saying were stupid, joking about this thing with all of these kids hanging around listening (and would probably try it out when the teachers weren't around).  Seriously, the maturity of the teachers was hardly more than these students, which seemed to range K-12.

Yeah. Weird, huh? I don't know what this is supposed to tell me, especially going in for my first day on Monday. Thank goodness my placement will be more structured than THIS school. But when I was "there," in my dream, I felt like I knew what the place needed, that it was simply a matter of establishing structure and getting a staff with backbone. The kids weren't all that bad, they just had been running it their way. Interesting. 

Well, the smell of cinnamon rolls is getting me moving. :) 

Betsy

Quiet Mornings.

Ten o'clock light in the winter is still soft, quietly unobtrusive,
yet she stretches her fingertips out across the table
and tiptoes into the hallway.

Outside, the snow is dusted with
a layer of tiny sparkles; in the yard,
a web of tracks criss-cross from one end to the other.
Our deer friends, our nocturnal visitors, have been busy.
(Just last night around eleven, I walked into the kitchen and gasped
--straight ahead, looking straight back at me, was a lovely doe.)
In the tree are three mourning doves, two of them sitting together
with beaks tucked in behind, trying hard to ignore the cold.
Another flock of birds fly towards the sun, dark wings
a contrast to the pale sky. No wind, just the movement of birds.
Bare trees stand tall and still, frozen.


I sit cross-legged at the kitchen table, a red speckled mug
cooling with the remains of hot chocolate. I savor the chocolate,
but I savor this precious quietness more:
(and, as if on cue with my words, the humming of the refrigerator ceases).
I stop to correct my spelling of refrigerator. The only sound is the click click click
of the keyboard and the voice in my head that narrates the words as they come--
I haven't thought about what they will be, only read them in my head as they appear.
If I could put this morning in a bottle, I would put it in my pocket and save it
for those moments in loud, dirty traffic, or for the anxiety of a hospital room, or maybe just as a gift...

A gift. Indeed, this is a gift. My Creator rested, and all Creation sighs in relief and follows suit.

Amen, amen, amen.

Perks of being an aunt:

"Bye, Tyler! I love you!"

(short pause)

"I love you too, Aunt Betsy!"

"I love you more!"

"I love you too!"

"See ya later!"

(in exactly the same tone:)
"See ya later!"


Tyler can be pretty mischievous at times, especially being the boy with two sisters. He often gets away with more than he should. Tonight, while he still looked at me with a glint in his eye when I asked him for the 10th time to Please Not Touch My Computer Screen, for much of the night he was uncharacteristically cuddly. He sat with me for quite a while as I checked my email and he watched the Rudolf movie. At nearly three years old, the triplets are a delight and entertainment. Sure, they have their moments, but we're so glad to have them around. :)


I had a very good day, except for almost being late for church (let's just say I'm grateful no cops were out!) I had been thinking about ways to become more involved at MCC, now that Rehoboth is behind us and I'm looking forward to having a full year--all 12 months of 2009-- to spend with this church family. A few longings have been on my heart for weeks now, and I finally started paying attention to them. And, as cliche as it sounds, a verse on the Christian radio station brought me to a place where I could articulate them after the service and see that yes, maybe God was prompting me to pursue that route.

The passage was Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.


I realized that it was exactly what I needed to hear:
that I needed to indeed trust God with my heart, even when I'm still afraid (even after all the times He has answered my heart's desires!) of disappointment;
that even though I couldn't foresee how it would work out, I needed to not lean on my own understanding;
that it was time to acknowledge what God has been doing in my life and acknowledge these dreams He has given me;
and finally, to let Him make the way forward and follow Him.

The sermon today was a perfect followup, too. It was all about Coit, so again, God's timing was impeccable, as it always is. I have learned so much in the past weeks, and He has affirmed and reaffirmed His love to me in countless ways. I hear Him asking me now, "Do you Love me? Do you really Agape me? Betsy, will you love me unconditionally?" and I want to answer that with Yes!

I come broken, though. I come as a vessel with impurities and imperfect contents. But the Lord has cleansed me and filled me with unbounding Joy. Sometimes I can even feel a bit embarrassed by the energy it gives me, but when Love and Joy come freely, who can resist it? If you knew my past and sins, you would also be amazed at the transformation that my precious Jesus has brought me through. This IS the power of the cross, He IS the beautiful one I love, the one I adore: my soul shall sing.


Betsy

PS. I get PostSecrets every Sunday, and the last one today made me laugh, if not a bit surprised and curious! ;)


http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

More thoughts on the Shack.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today about The Shack. I had a while to think about it on the drive home, anyway. I recalled the passage about living in the present, and felt that to be quite applicable to my life right now. I'd say it's one of my favorite passages.

One thing that came up in a conversation with my friend Kim (who hasn't read it, but has heard an earful about it) was the emphasis on relationship vs. law. The more I thought about it, and about the particular sins that have infiltrated my life and my connection (or rather, disconnection) to the Church because of them, I realized that yes, it IS about the relationship, and for many people, the Law is the same thing as the Institution. It's not, but for many (including me) that can be such a barrier.

When I sinned, confessed, and was consequently 'expelled' from the close knit community I had been a part of (and, sadly, it was because of the security of that community that I felt free to confess), I felt completely betrayed by the Church and its believers. And in a way, I had been-- but it was the institution that was run by a different paradigm of leadership than I believed that the Church was run by. (Whether or not I'm "right" about that is besides the point. I'm just telling you how I felt and perceived it, which is not so far off from what most people, believers or not, would feel.)

Basically, it comes down to the point that when I needed to be embraced by community and held accountable in solid relationship with others, I was made to leave them behind and try to "get better" on my own. I had been cleansed and redeemed-- but that didn't seem to matter: the Sin still held power in my life. I certainly needed healing, time and space, but there was no structure for that. After all, being in leadership is about being the best possible example, right? (Not really, actually. I've discovered that leadership is living life authentically and allowing others to see into the way that God works grace in your life. Being the first to the alter to lay it all before the Lord is true leadership. How can you ask others to confess if you, yourself, have not?) Ultimately, fixing things on my own didn't work, and I spiraled back into a place of sin and darkness, worse off than before the confession. While the Institution had good intentions (as it always does), it lacked the essential relationship. Bonhoeffer talks about exactly this in his last chapter of Life Together. Looking back on the last year and a half, I can see that the most growth has blossomed in the last five months. Why? Hm. I have been engaged with a healthy community. People. Relationships. Life & Love.

And that is what I think Young wants to point out about the law and relationship. Yes: God's laws for us are a model and guide for us to live. Yes, they point the to the ways that we can be in better relationship with Him. But it's still all about the relationship. When we hold others to the Law, rather than in relationship with the kind of "expectancy" Young also talks about, we fail them and ourselves. I think the struggle comes because engaging in real relationship is often counterintuitive. It embraces when instincts want to hold at arms length. This is how Jesus got into a lot of trouble, I think, with the Pharisees and the Teachers of the Law. The woman who knelt at Christ's feet and wiped them clean with her tears, hair and perfume? Not exactly someone you'd want to hold in relationship-- it would be far easier to leave it with the Law. And granted, her following the Law would probably help; but when it comes down to it, Christ knows her sin and loves her anyway. And that's what He did for me, and what He does for you. So let's not take it lightly. Young is right to emphasize it in his book.

That's a lot of processing.

I'm not even done with the book yet.

But I would like to add that I am so grateful for the wonderful relationships God has blessed me with, especially with a dear friend of mine. She and i have had a meeting of minds and of hearts, as they say. Both at a transitional point in our lives, we are able to talk openly and freely. It's truly holy conversation. For years we've wanted to meet regularly and pray for each other, but my spiritual maturity and open schedule have not often been on the same page. But now, at this pivotal point in our lives, we plan to meet weekly over coffee and talk about life. I am so excited for it!

This is the life I have been longing for. I have found such fullness in Christ, and the deeper I go, the better it gets, and the more I realize how much further I have to go! There is such joy in my heart these days. My Abba, my friend, my savior, my creative spirit-- all that God is to me-- has truly redeemed my life from the pit and placed me on the higher ground. Hallelujah!


betsy <3

Dunes

Yesterday I went to Saugatuck Dunes to see the ice on Lake Michigan. If you've never done that, it's an amazing sight. It gets me every time. Here's a preview:


The reason I ventured out there was to take pictures of this phenomenon in order to capture something unique about the place where I grew up. I have some good memories of hiking out to see the ice with my dad as a kid, and again when he was sick. I was inspired to do a poetry lesson on the idea of "place" after reading a book I bought while out in New Mexico, called Blue Horses Rush In by Luci Tapahonso.



So yes. I have still been reading, even though not as diligently as I planned to originally. I thought I would be able to read while in New Mexico, or at least during the 60 hours(!) I was in the van getting to and from New Mexico, but it just didn't happen. But I still have this last week to read a few more books, and on top of my list is The Shack.



Before you rush to tell me that you've read it, I'm aware that generally everyone has read it except for me. ;) I've heard about it for months, since Rosewood Church did a bookstudy on it during Summer Family Nights, and have been meaning to read it... but it just never happened. But when Pastor Henry sent out an email earlier this week about the upcoming sermon series that will draw from the book, I finally felt inclined to put it at the top of my list and read it already. I'm about halfway through.

I'm aware of its controversiality, but so far I can see why people are drawn to it. It offers something different than what is generally "assumed" (and not all what we "assume" as Christianity is Truth!) and gets at a small place in the heart that has imagined the things that this author articulates. I think Young is right in that God wants to be known, but so often our own perceptions of God and of His Truth box him up into something that He isn't. While I don't think Young would argue that the "right" view of God is X, Y and Z, I think he is arguing that we can't imagine what God is truly like, so we need to let God be God and worship Him (or Her! -wink- Why doesn't the English language have a gender-neutral pronoun!? Although the colloquial "they" would be appropriate here...) um, where was I? Ah yes: and worship God in a fuller, unrestrained, uncertain sense. Not that God wants us to blindly follow Him (now I'm conscious of that pronoun!)--- we have Jesus, given to us in the flesh, and who will always be human with us. I think Young is onto something there, too... We'll just have to see where it goes.

Not all of these things are conclusions made from reading half of a work of fiction about it. I've been thinking about these things since high school, and it's nice to be reading something that echoes a few of my suspicions about the aforementioned "assumed" truths. I had a teacher who basically suggested that, as an act of worship and meditation, we think of God as other than Father or male. (Jesus himself refers to God as a mother hen in Matthew 23:37- "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.")

In college, too, I have been challenged in how I perceive God, especially during my Doctrine of Christ and Reconciliation course with Professor Schneider. I learned a lot, and allowed myself to become more open to listening to other perspectives --from Christians!--that didn't necessarily fit within the framework of the CRC. I don't "collect" theological ideas and put them in a box, but I do take into consideration how this idea helps me to understand the world, or other people's view of the world. This is true for the issues that Young is talking about in the book. Some people are quick to write him off because he is suggesting idolatry or universalism, but it would be worth taking the time to hear him out, because it helps to understand our critics, both within Christian scholarship and from the world. I heard an excellent January Series lecture on Thursday, from the guy who wrote UnChristian, David Kinnaman. He reminded us that Jesus uses the world to keep the Church accountable. Yes, it's worth listening to what others are saying. I think reading The Shack with an open mind is one way to do that.


In other news, I start student teaching on February 2. I couldn't be more excited! :) I'm sure you'll hear plenty of stories in the coming months about my adventures in the classroom.

Betsy

Extending Grace

... and receiving it.

Tonight I "volunteered" (meaning that you could call it that, but it wasn't really) at Hope Lodge, which is a place for people with cancer to stay while in Grand Rapids for treatments. Tonight I helped make a really yummy "breakfast for dinner" meal of waffles, eggs, sausage and fruit and then ate with the residents and their caregivers. After that, a bunch of us played a hilarious game of euchre. It went so well, a couple of us are going back on Saturday night to play more games. It is "easy" for me to go and "serve" in this way, but really it's a gift for me to be able to hang out with people talking about chemo, radiation, good days vs. bad days, and to reconnect with that part of my life when my dad was sick.

Not that I really want to remember that pain, but I know that I did not give my dad much grace during those years. It was hard on all of us, yes, but as a teenager struggling to forge my own identity, I didn't really take advantage of my dad's last years. So, in a way, it's healing for me to play cards with these people with cancer, because as a more mature young woman, I can offer the company that was so hard for me to give to my dad when he was sick. It makes me miss my dad, yes. But not so much that I can't go to Hope Lodge and have a good time. :)


Betsy