But these convictions, boy, they're something else. It's when the Holy Spirit totally grips my heart and mind and fills me with this incredible sensation. I only seem to get it when what my heart longs for seems utterly impossible; but I've come to know this feeling intimately, and it means anything is possible.
Anything. All things are possible. When I dreamed about going on Royal Servants, the odds were not in my favor, but I felt this feeling of conviction and months later, I was in Europe, even though the trip cost thousands of dollars and my dad was sicker than he'd ever been. But God provided.
Anything-- All things are possible! I met my first boyfriend on a cruise in Mexico on Valentine's Day, playing with dolphins, when we were just 16. I had this strange conviction that there was something about him, something lasting beyond the four days of the cruise-- and we ended up dating for three years, and he was with me when my dad died. Even though he isn't a part of my life anymore, Jordan meant the world to me at a time I needed him most.
Anything is possible. Ever since my first trip to Europe, I felt a longing to go back. Then-- you guessed it--I got that strong conviction again. One step at a time, God made it possible for me to spend a semester in Glasgow on my own, studying at the University, volunteering with amazing people and being with a church that would show me what "community" meant for the first time-- He broke my heart for Glasgow, the city, poverty and the under-resourced.
All things are possible with God. While I was yet in Scotland, I found out about the Jubilee Fellows summer ministry internship program. It struck me with the same conviction (which, by now, I have learned to listen closely to!) but it wasn't time yet-- I couldn't apply for another year. But when that year passed, I remembered that strong feeling of conviction, even though I didn't feel it just then. But sure enough, I got in the program, and God used it in powerful ways for my own healing and growth, as well as ministry to others in Southern California.
My literary mentor, Thomas Merton, has encouraged me to pay close attention to those deep movings of the Spirit-- I think that if it gets ignored, it's harder to trust later on. But when you do listen, and let it guide you, the possibilities of God's grace and provision are limitless.
That's why I value it so much-- when the Spirit starts moving like this, it's more amazing than eating the best food or wearing the costliest diamonds, because it means that my God is present and active and interested in my life, which is an honor above all else.
Yet, so much of it comes from trusting your own heart, as well-- acknowledging the freedom that God has put into your own hands to pursue the dreams that HE has given to you, in order to bring Him glory and joy through your life.
So yes, I have that feeling of conviction again. It's exciting, it's breathtaking, but it's also thrillingly terrifying! (I forgot about that part!)
I can't explain what this means-- who knows what God will do with it this time? :) All I know is that I've got that feeling, so strongly, so passionately in my soul, and I'm going to listen. Maybe, in another year or so, I'll look back on this post and smile, and be able to add to that list of what God has done for me.
Betsy Joy
