and THIS is why I don't drink coffee at J.Fellows.

It keeps my brain going longer than it should. :P And it was only a half of a cup!

Nevertheless, the fact that I'm up will give me time to go over clauses and phrases for my grammar midterm, and do my chemistry writeup that I planned to do this afternoon before class.

Break was quiet. I spent a couple of hours scrubbing our shower, and one of my favorite things was repotting a bunch of my plants. My orchid from last year is going to bloom again which is so exciting :) I also went to F.M.Gardens to see the butterflies with the triplets and Julia! They loved it, and it was great to see the gardens through their eyes. They sure won't stay nearly two years old and seven months forever! It's a fun age to be with them, too.

Caleb just turned 25 earlier this month, and Linde turns 28 on Sunday. Zach is turning 31 this year. It's a bit unsettling, realizing how life is only speeding up. It never fazed me before with Zach and Linde being in their upper 20s, but now that Caleb is getting there, too, it makes me a little nervous/excited(!) that "I'm next"... Google calendar has my birthday recorded on August 7 indefinitely, and I went through changing "Betsy's ___ birthday" to the appropriate age until I was 30. It didn't take very long at all to do that! Granted, I know some pretty great people in their 30s so it's not so bad at all. Even 50 isn't "old," believe me, I know.

Right now, being 20 for a couple more months (technically 141 days, haha) is a special age to be. I think this year has been pretty 'visionary'... not just dreaming about any particular thing I'd like to do with my life, but rather envisioning how my life can participate in the broader scheme of the community and world. I've been disappointed by some of these visions, but I have hope that other ones will be blessed and allowed to follow through. It's a practice of looking deeply towards the horizon and sensing change, like one feels rain in his bones before a much needed, refreshing storm.

I wish that I could say that the tone of this post is exactly how I've felt these days: anticipating, intuitive, generally on the right track with things... and perhaps in some ways I am. But I've also felt deeply inadequate for those same visions on my heart. Last night in J.Fellows we discussed Christian formation, and what that means and how it happens. I don't remember all of what I skimmed from Dallas Willard's Great Omission (I promise to go back and re-read it!) but I imagine it to be a deepening awareness of Christ in the room, a waking up.
I was hit with this mental picture of me and all the ways I know I don't glorify Him, and then Christ sitting in the room watching. He's not stoic, He's not even judgemental. He's just grieving. He's in the chair, head in his hands, with tears brimming in his eyes because He's so in love with me and I simply don't see it. But I'm starting to. Moments come (and go) where I've suddenly realized His presence there, and it's clear what I ought to do, but I stand there awkwardly--passively--and then move on to some other unimportant task.

That, my friends, is exactly how I've felt in these last months.

Since it's almost 5am and I'm thinking a wee breakfast is in order, I'm off.

-Betsy

Without You (in memory of Aunt Darlene)

Without You

Without You
The Ground Thaws
The Rain Falls
The Grass Grows

Without You
The Seeds Root
The Flowers Bloom
The Children Play

The Stars Gleam
The poets dream
The Eagles Fly
Without You

The Earth Turns
The Sun Burns
But I Die
Without You

Without You
The Breeze Warms
The Girl Smiles
The Cloud Moves

Without You
The Tides Change
The Boys Run
The Oceans Crash

The Crowds Roar
The Days Soar
The Babies Cry
Without You

The Moon Glows
The River Flows
But I Die
Without You

The World Revives
Colors Renew
But I Know Blue
Only Blue
Lonely Blue
Within Me, Blue
Without You

Without You
The Hand Gropes
The Ear Hears
The Pulse Beats
Without You
The Eyes Gaze
The Legs Walk
The Lungs Breathe

The Mind Churns
The Heart Yearns

The Tears Dry
Without You
Life Goes On
But I'm Gone
Cause I Die
Without You
Without You
Without You
Without You


This is a melancholy song from the musical "Rent" and I happened to have the tune in my head and when I realized which song it was, it kind of hit me how appropriate it is for this moment.

I just found out that one of my aunts died. I didn't know her hardly at all, she was married to my dad's oldest brother Dave. I guess she had been sick for a while and was at the hospital for a procedure when she passed away. My mom said that Darlene (my aunt) and Dave had done a lot of traveling and things together so he'll probably be very lonely. I hurt mostly for the pain I know this causes on my dad's other siblings. They've lost good health and loved ones pretty hard in the last few years.

So here's to all those loved and lost. We hate to go on without you, but we must.

Betsy