B-team training!

Hi all,

Barnabas training is flying by, I can't believe it's Monday night already. This year's team is going to be great, and the time we've shared together has been meaningful and fun.

Even so, I've definitely found myself stretched emotionally and mentally. I can tell I'm scatterbrained, and I know I need to take some time for myself (like now-- journaling helps) and just recenter and seek out my own identity instead of labeling myself as "Barnabas" and not being a whole person.

The other stress thing right now is my upcoming "Grace Story" (intro about myself/testimony) because I'm given about 15 minutes to talk with time for questions. It's overwhelming for me to think about, because I just feel that there is so much to my story that I should/could include but it's sometimes too complex for me to even think about, let alone put in words.

Being with the team and with the RAs and RD is really great because I know I'll enjoy working with all of them all year and that there are some great friendships in store with those people. But being in this position right now, alone in the quiet, I feel a lot of restlessness and anxiety surfacing. Part of it must be that I don't know the freshmen or sophomores yet, (like I didn't know the RAs, RD or other BT members) and once I do I'll feel more confident. Yet it's also got to do with just this stretched thing I'm feeling right now. I'm forgetting about who I am, having been so caught up in where I am.

I can even see in this blog post how nervous I really feel. I'm surfacing along, not really reflecting on deeper things for very long. I could tell that I was tense even with my good friend Kim, and there wasn't any reason to be. (Heidi and I were meeting once and she noticed how tense I was, and ever since she pointed that out and called me on it, I've been able to better recognize that strange anxiety in myself.) Sometimes acknowledging it helps.

Deep breath.

I just realized that it probably has to do with Eric coming back to Michigan in a week. I had a good conversation with him on the phone Sunday night, but I'm having mixed feelings about seeing him again. I know there's going to be difficult conversations when he comes about some things that weren't healthy last year that definitely need to change since I'm Barnabas this year, and I'm carrying some guilt and apprehensiveness with me about not feeling as confident in our relationship as I had been earlier in the summer. I'd still like to be with him and see things work out, but I'm starting to doubt some other things. Time will tell. The next month will be very revealing.

Exhale.

I feel better, having put that out there. There was a nervousness in my fingers before I typed that last paragraph that isn't there anymore. I'm typing more slowly and something in my body has just relaxed. Amazing. Doesn't change the fact that I'm still apprehensive about seeing him again, but at least I've pinpointed that stress.

That said, the stuff I've learned today in training was really good. We talked a lot about wellness and what boundaries, expectations and support systems that we need to develop individually this year will be. Saying "no" shouldn't be too hard for me since that's just who I am. There are certain people that I'm less likely to say no to than others, but there will always be those people for everyone. I can tell that I crave silence and time alone-- maybe that was especially instilled in me this summer with all that time to read and reflect! (Car rides, to and from work everyday were good for me as well.) Balancing time will be a bigger challenge, and I really hope that I'm able to stick to a schedule.

Well, I've just noticed that it's 6pm and that it's about time for dinner. I'm relieved to have found a little time for myself, and I hope to do some more thinking about what I'm going to say for the Grace story, which won't be until at least Thursday, but I can tell it's something I should work through for myself, and maybe with another person. Or Jesus ;)

Loves!
Betsy