The questions that came from a very honest, though painful, conversation last night have really worn me down. My heart hurts, and in a way, my will has been broken--at least my will in how I plan things for my life.
Eric and I have been wrestling with an ongoing Question ever since we started dating eight months ago/last January: how do we reconcile our passions--his for medicine and a lifestyle of simplicity and mine for travel, teaching & missions? From the onset, it seemed like a good match to me: a doctor and teacher could go abroad pretty easily and have a meaningful ministry together. And from the way everything else has been for us, down to some of the controversial philosophies of life that we agree on, it seemed like the "future" was a "minor detail." Furthermore, both of us are stubborn and we hate to "give up" over a "what if." We've both been through a lot of struggles in life and we relate on a very real level about those things. We have talked about marriage and it's something we've wanted to work towards.
But over the summer and especially over the last few weeks, my heart has been breaking for other reasons-- for the wars and poverty in Africa, for the spiritual depravity in Europe, and other things as well; I am becoming more drawn to ministry and travel than ever before. My heart for adventure is too much to handle-- it's an intrinsic part of my being to explore and pursue certain passions. Is it fair, then, to be dating Eric when his expectations for the future (and also his passions and being) include a long road through med school or other venues of higher ed? And when I say "fair," I mean for both of us. Is compromising possible, or would we be denying the most significant parts of ourselves in the process of trying to stay together?
Other questions include things such as what is the healthy level of commitment? Because if we were married, there's no doubt that we would work these things out until things were resolved. But we're not married... so does that change the situation and expectations? Does that give us a different responsibility to ensure that the other is living life as best as they can? What if that means that in love, we take separate ways? Is a career more important than love & our relationship?
Ultimately, though, the question points toward what I'm willing to let God do with my life.
Staying with Eric determines one road, one lifestyle, one venue of possibilities. Leaving each other basically reopens a road that I've contemplated for a long time-- going abroad, traveling, teaching, doing ministry, and living out those goals that are in the left hand column of this blog. I don't want to go alone, and it's almost feasible that I could do those things with Eric. And yet I can't be sure that if I married him, I'd be able to do those things that I'm passionate about. Then again, I don't know that those things would happen if I were single or found someone else-- but there's the deep sense that my longings for adventure would draw me to those things. It's more likely that I would be able to "take off" after graduation and get into those dreams than if I waited.
Yes, Patience is a virtue. Love and companionship are both extremely valuable to me. It's a question that has no right answer, no direct result. Wrestling with these questions and possibilities is not easy, but it has to happen at this point in my life.
Not to mention that Eric feels mutually about a lot of these things. Naturally, he hates to lose me (I wouldn't want to lose myself, either! haha), but he also has felt that staying together could hinder both of ourselves from reaching our full potential and living out our passions.
T.Merton, my wise literary mentor, said that God's will for us is ultimately to be ourselves, saying: "It remains for us to take up courageously and without hesitation the work He has given us, which is the task of living our own life as Christ would live it in us."
There is freedom in these choices. Merton also reminds us that no matter what we choose, our choice and ourselves remain lovable-- God's grace transcends our humanity.
It feels good to articulate some of these wrestlings into [more] coherent thoughts. While I don't know where Eric and I stand at this moment (our Facebook status hasn't changed), we're journeying into these questions together, and your prayers would be deeply appreciated. This is causing us to grow and gain perspective, and it's hard because along the way we are seeing each other with greater respect and love-- making it even harder to let go if we must.
Love.
Betsy Joy
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1 comment:
wow! this is a loaded post. and while I don't live near you or talk to you very much, I could tell from other experiences happening in your life you two were headed towards a decision. You can see it going both ways, but your post leans towards the separating. An important thing to recognize is your not married yet or engaged and so you don't have to figure out the how to mesh these goals together. That said, remember our goals and God's can be different (even if sometimes we think they are from God), which is exactly what you were saying in your post. However, I see missions, teaching, medicine, simplistic life and traveling able to be meshed. All of those can go hand in hand with a simplistic life because of the sacrifices they all require a person to make. However, you both have some major goals that can lead you in separate directions. To realize things are changing at this point, is probably a good realization being so young and having 70 years ahead of you that could be together, these are good things to consider now if they are already becoming some issues. I love reading your writing, I get to know you so much better through it and respect what you have to say. I can say being married, that it is good to have these things thought through and worked out before marrying! They would only become bigger issues that could drive you apart in marraige. -Becky
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