We left our packs up against that willow tree
We dove right in, keeping just what we were born with
Our Memories, Knowledge and Dreams
As I swam away from our possessions
I imagined that they were gone forever more
And for once I was glad that all I treasured
Would still be with me as I reached other shore.
So...Let me dive into the water,
Leave behind all that I've worked for
Except what I remember and believe
And when I stand on the farthest shore
I will have all I need
After the blaze burned our cabin down to ashes
Where we'd slept warm, now the sky lets in the rain
I found the strings, frets and rusted latches
But I will never hear that old guitar again
These four walls are only in my memory
Where these stone steps rise to nothing in the air
So one last look and I'm headed for the river
To wash my hands and try to say this prayer
So...Let me dive into the water,
Leave behind all that I've worked for
Except what I remember and believe
And when I stand on the farthest shore
I will have all I need
When my time to live this life is over
I'll tip my hat when I think about that swim
And of all the things that make a life worth living
That only come to those who dive right in
So...Let me dive into the water,
Leave behind all that I've worked for
Except what I remember and believe
And when I stand on the farthest shore
I will have all I need
All I need.....
Let me dive into the water...
It's all I need
Listened to this song in class today. It's about earthly possessions and how, when it's all said and done, we're only going to be left with memories and dreams when we're on the farthest shore. And yet something rings true with Wilcox's line "and try to pray this prayer [that I'll have all I need]." Trying to believe and live that way is hard.
Having a minor identity crisis, but wouldn't worry too much about it. Seems to be happening quite a lot lately. Some days (like today) I'm shocked at myself that I ever went to Scotland or that I ever spent a summer in Yellowstone. Those days seem so long ago. I have accomplished so much in 20 years, that I wonder if I've "expired" my adventures; if I've gone and used them up already. Kind of a daunting thought. I know I'm longing to take off again, but with only $30 in my checking account, I can't even fill up my gas tank.
I know what I'd like to do if I could up and leave, but I also know it is only getting harder and harder to dream that way. I long to go on an adventure, but I think I'm becoming less picky on which adventures to go for as the options are limitless. Actually, I wouldn't even mind if they were someone else's dreams that I could tag along for.
Graduation is in December 2009. Student teaching is Spring 2009. Next fall will be the bulk of my final classes that I have to take, with whatever ones that are still required tagged to the semester after student teaching. You'd think that with Adventure just over the horizon, I'd have plenty to keep me busy.
I know I'd like to get my Master's someday. IPSL (the organization I went to Scotland with) has a pretty amazing, year-long Master's program that involves service in both Jamaica and England. But I'd also like to go to Seminary. Somewhere in there I want to teach. I'm going to be a life-long student, that's for sure.
But there's so much more that I long for. I long for wholeness and an identity I can be consistent in. There has been so much soul-shaping that I've lived through from 11 years old to today that I guess that has been a psuedo identity. No wonder I feel confused when I'm not actually going through something drastic-- externally, anyway.
I need to finish my readings for J.Fellows. I sense a reluctance in my heart to embrace what the texts say, because it means entering into community and right now, that has been hard to do. I was vulnerable to my community and I got hurt from it, when instead I wanted to be a more integrated, open part to it. The Church is imperfect--that much I can wholeheartedly agree with. I guess it gives me all the more responsibility to play a role in Her edification, as much as my own. Sigh. That's hard.
I had coffee with Heidi today. It was, as it nearly always is, incredibly refreshing. It allowed me to internally let out a breath of relief and say "Ah... yes. I'm going to be alright" and find a place to hope and dream. Heidi is a beautiful example to me how precious the calling to be a servant in the Church really is (even in all its stressful moments!) Thank you, Heidi :)
Oh, and I miss my dad. This coming friday would have been his 55th Birthday. I wish he were here. There's so much I'd like to talk to him about. If only my heart would cry out to my Heavenly Father more often in the way my heart longs for my dad right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment