I had a conversation with a friend last night about expectations. He told me that he doesn't have expectations for anything or anyone. Something about that statement was unsettling, and I've been trying to put my finger on it since.
I wonder if "not having expectations" could even be true. I'd challenge him on that, because I think we all have expectations whether or not we'd admit it. (For instance, if someone says they don't have any expectations for marriage, I'd read that to mean that they pretty much expect their marriage to fail. If someone has no expectations for a future, on the one hand it may mean they're open to anything, but how can they become better people if they don't expect to grow and change?)
What does it cost us to not have any expectations in a friendship or relationship? Trust, I'd guess. If you can't expect another person to call, or to hold up their end of things, how can you trust them? Either that or you develop apathy. Neither sounds like a very happy place to be.
There are risks with expectations that are too high, though. Then again, there are risks inherent in any expectations. But to abolish expectations altogether? I think that person would be resisting hurt, which is obviously impossible. C.S. Lewis reminds us that:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." (from The Four Loves)
So what does it mean to have expectations, especially as a Christian? What does God expect of us? (Micah 6:8 applicable?) How do we develop healthy expectations for ourselves and towards others? Can we live with no expectations, or will we run into problems?
Any thoughts?
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3 comments:
I've found, even in myself at times, that people who try or claim to live without any expectations are trying to be safe so they don't get hurt. So they don't expect something to happen and then be disappointed. I think your C.S. Lewis quote fits the bill perfectly. This lifestyle may keep one from never being disappointed, but the result in the long run will be far worse. Good thoughts! :)
I think we should make reasonable expectations for ourselves but keep expectations for others more modest so we can enjoy them as they really are and appreciate who they are and how they are growing. I'm not sure the CS Lewis quote really applies to expectations but more to love which is giving, not expecting. I need to think about the difference.
I just thought of this old Dutch saying that I love, "Faith cannot do too much expecting. The words of Jesus all come true." Maybe faith is what expects, not love.
I agree with Julia. I actually meant for the CS lewis quote to tangent more off of what happens when you can't trust someone or become apathetic; essentially you're trying to protect yourself from the dangers of what love assumes.
Hm. Does that mean that love expects? I think it expects something from me, but not always of the other person. It's true that love is sometimes not reciprocated, it doesn't come back to us as we expect. Still, I don't know that having no expectations is the answer.
I'll have to keep mulling over this. Thomas Merton may help me out...
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