a new season

tonight i remembered this xanga. i remembered that it was someplace else to go, somewhere else i could write unhindered. or at least, from the majority. and that if people did find me and begin to subscribe, it would be a different kind of journal. hm.

the last entry said i'd been dating jordan for 4 months. i didn't realize it had been that long since i came here... two and a half years later, i've been broken up with him for about 4 months. ironic.

i've been doing a lot of thinking, obviously, about my future. i've definitely felt more defined and more compelled towards whatever it is that i end up doing than i ever have felt before. in other words, i have no idea what God is doing here, but whatever it is, i keep discovering new and exciting things! :)

i want to develop spiritual leadership and spiritual discipline. the latter preferably before the former, but i can't help suspect that perhaps the leadership enhances and perpetuates the discpline. we'll see.

in "real life", this is the decision to apply for barnabas this year or the next vs. doing project neighborhood this year or the next. those are the biggies at the moment, but i'm looking into them both pretty equally. one day i'll feel more inclined to one over the other, and then the next day will be opposite! and who knows, there's the real possibilty that neither will happen, though i hope that's not the way it ends up. i want to serve the grand rapids community in a very real way, whether that's on campus or in the deprived areas.

i'm getting to be a little bit of volunteer freak. which, i think, is along the lines of a jesus freak. yeah! i'm a servant freak for jesus. (that works, i think?) i am anything but humble or mature about this, but it's a passion developing in my heart and i'm anxious to be able to excersise it. it's such a beautiful thing to be in contact with people different than i, and to be able to see and respect them for they are.

i just thought about how my mom had referred to people to smoke the other week when she was here visiting, and i called her on it. i told her that i knew people who smoked and that it's actually something they call addiction and yeah, everybody knows smoking kills, but some have an awful time with it. then she asked me if i smoked, and i said NO! that's not the point here! hmph. yeah, so yellowstone and glasgow have definitely put me into contact with smokers like i haven't before, and i've tried hard not to look down on them for it. this is pretty much applicable to anyone, with any situation, whether disabled, young, old, spiritual or not.

another good thing that has come from this season of change: i've learned to live off of less. this is entirely refreshing. while i like little "knicknacks" to make me smile or remember a good memory, and though i love having bright posters up and my own photography, it's not important. everything i own here in Scotland can be fit easily into two large duffle bags, each under 50 pounds. it's my goal, upon my return to my room in Holland, to start shifting through things again and clear out what i don't need anymore. there's quite a bit of clothing, junk, and other stuff that can be thrown away or donated. i just tell myself that if i really want to travel a lot in life, it doesn't make sense for me to have a houseful of junk that i only see a few times a year, if ever.

hm.

today i was reflecting on RS as i was going through the facebook group "you know you've been on a RS trip when..." and saw the line "you're told not to ask future questions" meaning, you don't ask what happens next. wow. that's hardly what i can say about my life now-- it seems to be the "what if" question that takes tops. which, in part, is a good thing, but seeing the 'future question' thing really reminded me to take it sloooooow and stay focused on the present.

however, the present isn't all that busy right now, so i have a lot of time to think about next spring semester and psych myself up for what's coming. the only things i have to do before i fly back to the States on Dec 17 is one more Scot Lit paper, hand in my journal for Welfare Ideology, and.... pack. Well, i have one more class for WI and a bunch more seminars and lectures for Scot Lit, but there isn't a whole lot of obligation tied up with those. I'll still be volunteering twice a week in Drumchapel (again, because I have nothing else to do) so that'll be good.

But yeah, i've been thinking about Barnabas because i've really admired the ones our dorm has had in the past. my mom has also been putting some pressure on me to take up a dorm leadership role because of the stipend. at first i thought this mean being an RA until i realized that Barnabas team members also get that stipend, and it sounds a whole lot more appealing in general.

My fear and intimidation is that I'm not nearly as sprititually disciplined or mature enough for a role like that, even though i could probably manage just fine. That's why i'm tempted to put off applying for a barnabas role until my senior year.... and go with project neighborhood instead for next year.

Project neighborhood is a program that is intentionally christian and upbuilding. I'd live in a house with a family ("mentor") in an area of Grand Rapids that needs good examples of community. I'd be involved with their 'projects' and also commit to being involved at "home" with cooking and things like that. it sounds wonderful and a neat opportunity. However, that isn't a stipend kind of position-- it's still $150 a month for room and board.

It's also difficult because i KNOW i should get a "real job"... but i really don't feel like it. I don't know how I can balance all of that as well. to me, volunteering is more important than income... but my college education pretty much trumps every other opportunity. hm. that only means that i need to apply for LOTS of scholarships this coming january!

and, of course, to pray about it and discuss these opportunities with my mentor. I love heidi-- it will be wonderful to have her companionship next semester. woooo!

alright, well, i feel better about having written here.

hm.

betsy