when i go down, i go down hard.

I'm waiting for the laundry to stop spinning and finish the cycle. I have about 6 more piles of clothes waiting upstairs. It's really good to have a quiet house and some quiet, Betsy time. I don't think I'm going to make any more plans for the weekend. I need to recooperate before heading back to the dorms.

hm.

I guess feel as though I'm stale, but I think it would be better to think of this point as stalemate. The dictionary defines it as "a situation in which further action or progress by opposing or competing parties seems impossible"....

Further action or progress seems impossible.

I think that the obstacle is that there's quite a bit of disappointment in my heart right now. Even though I am thrilled that I accomplished my life's goal by living in Scotland, living abroad by myself and being a part of everything there, I can't help but feel a little resentful now that it's over.

I guess it makes sense, I suppose I could hardly expect Michigan to be exciting after living somewhere like Glasgow. It makes sense to feel a letdown after the adventure. It's a painful thing to wake up in the morning and feel as though the past four months were a dream. I suppose I should give myself a break--time for acceptance. I need help accepting that I'm always going to have left part of my heart in Scotland, but also that I'm back here now and there's still life to be had.

I'm optimistic. I'm still a go-getter. I know what opportunities I have before me and which ones could open up even more realms of learning and more opportunities. Even Grand Rapids can be made to be a part of the exciting adventure of my life :) It's just the next challenge, right? Hehe.

For those around me who read these entries, please pray for me and be patient for me. I was warned that 'reverse culture shock' could be more difficult than the actual culture shock of going abroad. I'm finding that's true. It's so hard to balance the aspects of my life (and character) that developed this past year with the old self and the old life I had left behind me.

I'm desperately in need of Grace. I kinda stink at transitions when I'm reluctant to let go.


I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that/I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless/To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away/So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray/My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works/No that's not the way it works

When I go down/I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned/And teach myself some disregard
When I go down/It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there/I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can/Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down/Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find/That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away/The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away/So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away/The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray/My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works/No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me/Reprimands me
Then and there/I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me/And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again/And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope, it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down/I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far/Cause you'll be there
With open arms/To lift me up again
To lift me up again


"When I go Down" -Relient K