dilemma

I have a dilemma.


I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, seeing as how I'm supposed to "set forth my goals and aspirations" down on paper for some of the scholarships and things I've been applying for. Pretty much the big picture includes English and Education/ Travel and Missions, preferably combined. But I also want to get married, to have a companion with me in all of these adventures. I work well in a relationship, and when I marry I am going to love my husband with everything that I am.

I was thinking today about Eric and how well things have been going with him for the last month and a half. I don't want to take things TOO seriously, but it occurred to me that I'm at the point where I'm starting to--or could possibly soon--fall for him. He's everything that I've been trying to find, and he seems to be pretty crazy about me, too.

I think a lot when I shower. And today, I thought about how I fell for Jordan thinking that he would be someone I could go places with, and it turned out that it wasn't in him. I feel like all along he admired my initative and was trying to figure out what my secret was, how to be that for himself. I feel like Jordan changed his mind when he realized it wasn't going to be easy to be with me, that he wasn't cut out for that kind of life.

I'm afraid that Eric might discover down the road that picking up and going won't be for him, either.

That's a scary thought.

As I said, when I marry, I will be completely devoted to my husband. But I also love this world. I want--I need a companion who sees what I'm after and thinks it's worthwhile. I am a dreamer, and I am an achiever. I want to know what the four corners of the Earth look like. I want to travel everywhere. I feel as though my calling is almost to be a Nomad For Life.

This doesn't mean that I can't compromise. I'm willing to stay in the States, for years at a time even. But after what happened with Jordan, I know that my heart is a wanderer, and that my dreams are either going to live or die, and if they die, my life will lose meaning because my identity will have lost meaning.

I can't promise my future husband an easy lifestyle with all the comforts of modern luxuries. I can't promise him that we'll be able to afford a really nice house, or that we'll be able to put our kids through college.

But I can promise him that life will never be boring. I can promise that I'll never abandon him. I can promise that I love him faithfully and that I'll make sacrifices for him.


I don't know what Eric would choose. I don't know if he knows what he might be getting into.

I don't know if I could stand falling in love again only to hear that he can't go with me, that he doesn't want to go with me. I don't want to have to say goodbye, again.


Should I ask Eric? Should I explain this, to tell him what it means to be with me? Doesn't he have a right to have it out there, straightforward?

There's always the question of whether there's a chance I won't actually live abroad and do all of these things. Yes, there's a chance it wouldn't happen. But a very small chance. When I think of living in the States all of my life (let alone Michigan) something inside of me crumbles. I know I can go after my heart, I've done it before. The "unlikely" happens a lot for me, because I choose to go after it. God grants the dream and the ability, but I've got to put the two together and that's what I've done.

Yeah. I'm definitely going. Who then, will come with me? I long for a companion. I don't want to do it alone...



♥ Betsy