exhausted.

exhausted. the long and short of this must be that i've got pms. this sucks, since i can't be sure that my emotions are 'valid' instead of 'manipulated' by the amount of hormones flooding my system. how do i know this? um, the four hour nap i had this afternoon. dingdingding! that's a big clue for me.

but hormones and moodiness aside, there's a few big things that really are tugging at my heart, and i should let them.


the struggle and desire to practice discipline is coming back again. i'm like a kid-- follow the rules till you're given the chance to let them slip, but after a while when you've lost the routine, you start missing the structure. anyhow, i don't feel guilty like i was before, so maybe the dip in the pattern was a good thing for me.

second, my heart is more elsewhere than ever. i've been missing glasgow a lot this week, but i'm to the point that i would go anywhere. just today i checked out a website about teaching english in china to promising english teachers and added it to my "opportunities" bookmarks folder. i'd do it. i'm wondering if God is using this time back in the states to prep my heart for something that i would have never imagined before i went to scotland. wait, could my dream to go to scotland have been both a step in the scaffold, but also a hindrance? it's hard to grasp that, and i could never know for sure, but it's true that all my energies were focused on going back there that i readily dismissed any other opportunity. now, though, as i said--i'd go anywhere. sure the usa is a lucky place to live, but i don't want to be identified with this nation for the rest of my life. i want to identify with people. i want to identify with every culture, tribe, language, nation. at the second coming, i want to see my friends in that crazy crowd of diverse people.

finally, my heart is longing to know Christ for who he is, not the constructed Christ that has been formed in my mind for the last nineteen years. the decision to take 'the doctrine of christ and reconcilliation' was probably one of the best decisions i've made about courses. i wanted to know who He was in a new way, and hoped this class would help focus my attention there, and it definitely will!

it's after six, now, and i've got to eat dinner. i'm glad i've started writing here again, though. i'm so much more in tune with myself when i do.


♥ betsyjoy