"life goals": an incomplete scholarship essay

It’s Sunday morning. You’re standing in an outdoor amphitheater 7,918 feet above sea level in Yellowstone National Park. There are about fifty people gathered together, quietly anticipating what you are about to say. Turning in your Bible, you begin the first sermon message you’ve ever given. The Spirit empowers you; in that moment you feel more alive, more yourself than you have ever experienced, and yet compelled that this isn’t you at all, but completely God’s doing. Afterwards, people bless you with affirmation, encouraging you, even asking if you are in seminary.

It’s Sunday morning. You’re in Glasgow, Scotland. The air is cool and crisp, but it’s not raining. Hardly anyone is up, and you make your way easily along the sidewalks on Byres Road that are usually busy here in West End. You’ve finally made it up the hill to a small Christian school, and walking through the doors you’re abruptly in a crowd of people. There are Scottish accents, of course, but also Nigerian, German and French accents as well. You walk toward the gym and at least six people catch your eye and smile or say hello. The music is just beginning and you enter into worship. You praise God for the community here around you. You are going to miss it when you’re gone.

It’s Sunday, once again. You’re in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and you’ve just had lunch at the Commons dining hall. You’re thinking about your future. The memories from the past summer and fall haven’t left you, though the spring semester has just flown by. The anticipation of being a Barnabas Team leader next year is exciting but still a little daunting. Pursuing God’s will was worth it in Yellowstone and Glasgow, and you’re sure He’ll use you in your own neighborhood, too. You wonder what adventures are still in store.

These experiences are my own, and while they have played a very significant role of the development of my aspiration towards missions, they are also just a small part of the larger picture. In the past year, God has been gently but firmly guiding me towards ministry. The context is still yet to be determined, and I have a feeling that God will be using my flexibility and willingness to serve anywhere to continue to stretch me and challenge me.

I started writing this piece a few months ago for a scholarship essay that I never handed in, and only just re-acquainted myself with it. Because I’m a writer and I’m constantly self-editing, I added a few lines but only made a couple changes. When I reached the end, it struck me how my last line had remained unfinished, as though I just didn’t know where to go with it:

As I realize that living in the United States is just not for me, and as my passions for travel and ministry are further revealed and affirmed

...Well, what?

I find the coincidence almost humorous; the nature of the sentence and its incompleteness seem appropriate for each other. Where (and who) I was then is different than my circumstances now. I’m no longer doing a Group Minor in Missions (which had to do with my applying for this particular scholarship) but rather one in English as a Second Language. I don’t really know where I’m going, or what I’m going to do, or who I’m going with. There’s uncertainty, and there’s lots of it. Sometimes I say wise things and don’t learn the truth of it till much later; once I said that God works most creatively in the times of uncertainty, because we’re powerless to do anything ourselves.

Anyway, I meant to proclaim how missions was my calling and that I knew God wanted me to live abroad for the rest of my days, but I can’t say that now with such confidence. I’m waiting a while to see what happens. Truth is, my life is threaded with doubt and hesitation, but I know that whatever road I take, I won’t be alone.