Cyclical

If there's anything really frustrating, it's the fact that only every other week is a good one!

(pause)


Ok, so that's an overstatement. I guess it just feels sometimes that I'm a good Barnabas every other week. I'd rather feel like I was a "good Barnabas" every day, but maybe I ought to be taking comfort in the fact that next week (or later this week) I'll be feeling better about how I'm doing! Haha.

I suppose the prompt of this discouragement is the fact that I probably only crossed off two things off the "Barnabas" side of my list (the other things, apparently, aren't "urgent" enough) but the good thing is that I only have about two things left on my "to do for ME" side, one of which was to get enough sleep (I slept 12 hours last night!) and to go see "Seven Passages" on Friday night (which was absolutely stunning, so amazing!)

I should say something about "7 Passages: The stories of Gay Christians." It's pretty bold what Emily and her co-actors did, putting themselves out there by giving the testimonies for others in West Michigan. They were stories of deep pain, octracization and loneliness, and yet stories of hope. The beauty It's sad to me that "Gay Christians" feels like an oxymoron to too many people. Seeing the play gave me clarity and encouraged me to read more about this topic. After all: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."-Galatians 3:28.

At any rate, the play gave me freedom to love people no matter what their sexual orientation. There were a lot of stories of other people's reactions to their "coming out," and by far the most God-like, Father-ly like reactions were those who gave their friends/children a space to talk, a place to be accepted, and encouragement no matter what happened. I want to be the person who does that. I want to hear their stories and honor their testimonies.


"You love God only as much as the person you love the least." --unknown


Betsy

I love Teaching!

I am SO in my element. :)

I am really flourishing in my classroom over at Harrison Park Middle, but it wouldn't be possible without the amazing teacher that I'm working with. She loves my ideas, and she's so encouraging to me. What a role model! She really loves the kids and works hard to help them learn wherever they're at. And yet she respects me, and appreciates the new creativity that I have to offer.

I had about three or four ideas for her in the last two days, and she's wholeheartedly accepted them and is going to have me help her implement a few. Just now I came up with a fundraiser for the class fieldtrip: greeting cards! I'm eager to hear how she likes the idea. Even if it doesn't work out, I know she anticipates my contribution... and it's only been a couple of days!

This is such a confirmation for me about my vocation as a teacher. While I still don't know what kind of teacher I'll be, there's no doubt about my role. I feel more energized than I have all semester, I'm excited and feeling creative, and it's just such a good feeling! :) People noticed how happy I was once I got back from school... Yay! :)

Gotta finish up an assignment for my "real" school... but it'll be a good class. :)

Betsy

teacher aiding

I had a great morning, and I'm feeling really, really good about this :)

yawn.

Monday afternoons get to be pretty slow for me. I'm awfully sleepy, but I'm afraid I might sleep through class again (like I did on Thursday) if I let myself doze off. I'm hoping the peanut butter and crackers and pink lemonade will get the energy going again. :)

Turns out that the principal of the school I'm aiding at hasn't given approval (yet) for my placement. Yikes. I'm hoping to find out before world languages pedagogy whether or not I can plan on going tomorrow morning. Not that I would mind a morning off... ;)

Life is complicated, but right now I seem to be hanging in a balance between Barnabas and Life. Not everything is perfectly in sync (I never seem to be ahead on homework, no matter how good my intentions are) but I'm making sure that I have time for myself, which seems healthy enough.

I'm a little freaked out by my next class just because I feel like what I prepared for isn't going to be good enough, and I'm not feeling very creative to come up with something better. Oh well. Some things can't be helped. I might just take a shower instead.

Hope everyone has a good week!
Betsy

Blessed.

The F.Meijer Gardens was great. I don't get very many chances just to spend time with my sister-in-law, Jane, so it was really good just to chat with her and adore cute lil Julia.
Plus the plants were really cool!





And of course, the cutest little "flower" of all...



Other than that... The J.Fellows app is handed in and out of my control, at least for now. I'm glad. I've got my hopes up now, which may or may not be a good thing, but God knows what He's doing.

I've had a chance to do some "me-time" reading--"A new kind of Christian" by Brian McLaren. It's pretty good so far, I know a few people who really appreciated it so I'm giving it a try.

Prayers please! I'm nervous about my Education class placement since it's so last-minute. I'm hoping the teacher is cooperative and eager/excited to have me on board. I'm a little apprehensive, but I did go out and look for some "teacher clothes" tonight! That was fun :)

Coffee with a new friend was also fantastic. Gotta love the Fishhouse. It was awfully empty, though. Dunno where everyone is tonight.

Love.
Betsy

It's a lot easier to get up....

....when you've gotten enough sleep. What a novel idea.


Today is going to be pretty amazing, I hope. At least my afternoon will be; I'm going to Frederick Meijer Gardens with my sister-in-law and niece!! :D It's going to be so much fun! And I'll be taking so many pictures. Mmmmm yes.

But I've also got to go to the GR public schools "student services" place this morning and get some paperwork filled out and a badge made. My placement is at Harrison Park MS with the ESL lady there. I'm glad I finally got placed-- I was getting a little worried.

Also: my Jubilee Fellows application is sitting, completed, behind me. I'm handing it in today! Prayers would be appreciated.

At any rate, I'd better jump into the shower.

Love.
Betsy

Relationship status:

We're "officially" taking a "break".


Yeah, it's vague, and we don't know exactly what it means beyond being friends and focusing on studying while we contemplate what it is we really want. Seems like a good place to be, and we're both happy with that right now. I guess he's still my boyfriend, and as Eric put it, if we decide to stay together it'll be really good, and if we decide not to, it'll be okay.

It was good to go to McDonalds and talk and "debrief" how things had gone the last couple of days. We laughed a lot--made up for some of the tears from Sunday night. Yeah. This is a good place to be right now. At any rate, it allows some time to refocus on school and prioritize. We still love each other-- that's pretty clear. That's the whole point of this excersize. (Gosh, I sound like a teacher.)

I'm feeling pretty good about my Jubilee Fellows application, as I mentioned. It feels good to have that out of the way-- as soon as I hear back from a couple people about the essay, I'll be handing it in. I'll probably have an interview in October, so ya'll can be praying for me about that, too.

Peace is a beautiful thing. That's where I am right now. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah. Amen.

Betsy Joy joy joy joy.... down in my heart :)

Jubilee Fellows application is done!

Or at least, mostly done. I wrote the essay, now I'm just editing it for clarity and smoothness and I'll be sending it along to Andy (the interim chaplain) for review, since he offered :)

Today felt better. I'm not quite sure why that was, but there was definitely grace. I simply felt like my lighthearted and joyful self-- not exuberant, but I wasn't pained, either. :)

I saw Eric on my way out of the dining hall, and that was good to see him. He said he might call tonight afer he's out of his lab. I need some 'debrief' time with him.

Well, I'm actually getting some things done today, so I'd better continue that trend...

Betsy

The questions.

The questions that came from a very honest, though painful, conversation last night have really worn me down. My heart hurts, and in a way, my will has been broken--at least my will in how I plan things for my life.

Eric and I have been wrestling with an ongoing Question ever since we started dating eight months ago/last January: how do we reconcile our passions--his for medicine and a lifestyle of simplicity and mine for travel, teaching & missions? From the onset, it seemed like a good match to me: a doctor and teacher could go abroad pretty easily and have a meaningful ministry together. And from the way everything else has been for us, down to some of the controversial philosophies of life that we agree on, it seemed like the "future" was a "minor detail." Furthermore, both of us are stubborn and we hate to "give up" over a "what if." We've both been through a lot of struggles in life and we relate on a very real level about those things. We have talked about marriage and it's something we've wanted to work towards.

But over the summer and especially over the last few weeks, my heart has been breaking for other reasons-- for the wars and poverty in Africa, for the spiritual depravity in Europe, and other things as well; I am becoming more drawn to ministry and travel than ever before. My heart for adventure is too much to handle-- it's an intrinsic part of my being to explore and pursue certain passions. Is it fair, then, to be dating Eric when his expectations for the future (and also his passions and being) include a long road through med school or other venues of higher ed? And when I say "fair," I mean for both of us. Is compromising possible, or would we be denying the most significant parts of ourselves in the process of trying to stay together?

Other questions include things such as what is the healthy level of commitment? Because if we were married, there's no doubt that we would work these things out until things were resolved. But we're not married... so does that change the situation and expectations? Does that give us a different responsibility to ensure that the other is living life as best as they can? What if that means that in love, we take separate ways? Is a career more important than love & our relationship?

Ultimately, though, the question points toward what I'm willing to let God do with my life.

Staying with Eric determines one road, one lifestyle, one venue of possibilities. Leaving each other basically reopens a road that I've contemplated for a long time-- going abroad, traveling, teaching, doing ministry, and living out those goals that are in the left hand column of this blog. I don't want to go alone, and it's almost feasible that I could do those things with Eric. And yet I can't be sure that if I married him, I'd be able to do those things that I'm passionate about. Then again, I don't know that those things would happen if I were single or found someone else-- but there's the deep sense that my longings for adventure would draw me to those things. It's more likely that I would be able to "take off" after graduation and get into those dreams than if I waited.

Yes, Patience is a virtue. Love and companionship are both extremely valuable to me. It's a question that has no right answer, no direct result. Wrestling with these questions and possibilities is not easy, but it has to happen at this point in my life.

Not to mention that Eric feels mutually about a lot of these things. Naturally, he hates to lose me (I wouldn't want to lose myself, either! haha), but he also has felt that staying together could hinder both of ourselves from reaching our full potential and living out our passions.

T.Merton, my wise literary mentor, said that God's will for us is ultimately to be ourselves, saying: "It remains for us to take up courageously and without hesitation the work He has given us, which is the task of living our own life as Christ would live it in us."

There is freedom in these choices. Merton also reminds us that no matter what we choose, our choice and ourselves remain lovable-- God's grace transcends our humanity.

It feels good to articulate some of these wrestlings into [more] coherent thoughts. While I don't know where Eric and I stand at this moment (our Facebook status hasn't changed), we're journeying into these questions together, and your prayers would be deeply appreciated. This is causing us to grow and gain perspective, and it's hard because along the way we are seeing each other with greater respect and love-- making it even harder to let go if we must.


Love.
Betsy Joy

Matthew 16:24-26 (New International Version)
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life* will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

(*The Greek word means either life or soul; also in verse 26.)


Hard conversation with Eric tonight. Not quite sure how it's going to play out-- but it sure changes a lot of things.

"Describe your faith journey..."
"...Why is becoming a Jubilee Fellow important to you?"

Geez. Where do I begin? Such difficult questions. Too bad I can't simply download my memories and have them projected in film for others to "get it" for themselves. But alas; that wouldn't show how I've come to respond and process those experiences... Anyway. Lofty thoughts. I'm trying to get them grounded in reality.

I'm tempted to begin my essay with the blunt truth: There are parts to ministry that I don't like, and going into ministry is certainly not where I thought I'd be when I was, say, 10 years old. (But the essay's not quite as focused if I do it that way, however true it is.)

What do I say? How do I say it?

Perhaps what is needed here is a prayer to the Holy Spirit-- prayer that my words would be well received with the Spirit's understanding.

Sigh.

I want to get this done sooner than later, since it's due October 1st and I'm only going to get busier before then.


I think I need some good ol T.Merton, from No man is an island:

"In planning the course of our lives, we must remember the importance and dignity of our own freedom. A man who fears to settle his future by a good act of his own free choice does not understand the love of God. For our freedom is a gift God has given us in order that He may be able to love us more perfectly, and be loved by us more perfectly in return." (p132)

"It remains for us to take up courageously and without hesitation the work He has given us, which is the taks of living our own life as Christ would live it in us." (p135)



Hmmmm. I think I may know where to go with this essay, now. :)

Betsy

:D Prof's reply...

I heard back from the Prof who I thought might write me a second recommendation(!!!)... Woohoo! :D God is good! :D


Hi Betsy,

I remember you quite well--as one the the most engaged students in the class. I would be delighted to write on your behalf for the Jubilee program. Just let me know what I need to do, and by when.

interesting.

God's truth is revealed always, even when you're not ready to come to terms with it.


I spent my night with my friend Kim at Kuyper College, and it has been fantastic. We stayed up till 5:30am talking, slept till 9:30am, and then made apple-pancakes. It's been a wonderful time of sharing, listening, and laughing together.

I also met some of her friends, and we sat around in the lounge and read prayers from Valley of Vision. It was a sweet time of asking questions and rethinking perspectives.

Had a heart to heart with Kim before falling sound asleep-- and it was a moment when objectivity was important. She helped me to clarify some important things I should consider, and listened as I wrestled with some not-so-fun concepts.

I'd better go--
Much love.
Betsy

Rest :)

I slept in till 1pm today!!! :) (It's ok, I didn't have any classes.) It actually surprised me-- I expected to wake up later, but certainly not past noon! I woke up wondering why the light looked so strange coming through the curtain. Apparently afternoon light looks different than morning light.


I did stay up pretty late last night, (but not that late!) and I had such a good time hanging out with my dorm. It was so freeing to walk around and get to know some of my new friends, try a bit of swing dancing, and just love on some of my residents. I fell asleep very happy.


Prayers would be appreciated-- I just sent an email to a prof I had last spring about whether he would be willing to fill out a Jubilee Fellows recommendation for me. (Eeik!) I hope he remembers me... (I did get an A- in that class, though.)


I expected to have a lot of time today to work on homework and get stuff done, but I'll be lucky to get to it. I suppose there's always Saturday, too. :) I need to take a shower, get some lunch, and head over to the A/V dept. though, in order to get some more signs made for our cleaned-and-improved Meditation Chapel.


I'm looking forward to spending time with a dear friend today. We saw each other on Wednesday night and it was such a "God-thing" (as they say) and due to time constraints, we couldn't finish our conversation. But tonight--hehe--we will have plenty of time ;)


Love. Joy. Peace.

Betsy

I realize that the last post was long and complicated. Sorry about that. Thanks to anyone who has the patience to read through it. It's pretty heavy stuff to deal with in my mind and my heart. Prayers appreciated. :)

Love.

Beautiful, beautiful.

God is Faithful. (Need I say more?)


I'm in the process of applying for a program called Jubilee Fellows. (Read about it here: http://www.calvin.edu/faith/service/jubilee/) I've been drawn to it for a number of reasons, but through divine clarification tonight, I've really begun to understand where my heart is. Maybe you've heard it before, but Frederick Buechner once said that "The place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep hunger." Nothing could be more clear to me right now than the truth of that.

As you all know, I'm an English major in the Secondary Ed program with a minor in English as a Second Language (ESL). It's not exactly a direct route to seminary, although I'm quite interested in that for someday. But tonight, with a dear friend, I was able to articulate what I'd been mulling over all evening.

In my Education classes, we've been doing a lot of talking about and reflecting on our learners. It's a difficult place when your learners are vastly diverse; whether by race, language, heritage, socioeconomic status, religious background, etc. How does a teacher conduct that classroom when the needs of her students are all over the board?

I've begun to see the world as my classroom. This may be quite literal, if I teach abroad, but right now it's a metaphor for the larger scale. This world is my classroom: there are people around me who are statistically well-off, with privileges handed to them that they've never gone without. And yet these people are carrying burdens and grief that I want to walk alongside them with.

But I have other students, too, that I must minister to. Jesus is always talking about the poor, because the poor will always be with us. Tonight my heart was broken to Zimbabwe, as I discovered through news articles the brokeness and pain going on through economic instability there. It's horrifying, and I grieve for it and for the girl in my dorm who is from there. And of course, that's not the only pain--far from it!--that is being revealed to me. Darfur, Guatemala, places in Eastern Europe, Western Europe!, and every region of the earth is in pain.

If I am the teacher, and the world is my classroom, to whom do I go to? Who do I serve? My deep gladness is to provide an education, to teach English and foster understanding. To provide an education is to say "I acknowledge you as Human. I recognize your intellect. I value your contribution. Let me walk alongside of you on your journey". But while this provides hope, it's not the whole story, and it is feeling increasingly inadequate.

If teaching is my delight, the next question is: Where is the greatest hunger?

Statistically, we know that answer but fail to recognize its place in our lives. Yes, there is hunger in the United States of America and I will never deny it. We need teachers here, too. I will probably teach here at some point.

But I also cannot deny that in other places it is far, far worse. Whole societies are falling apart. People are being strategically exterminated--physically, or socially--and are not being given a voice. My heart is breaking for them. I cannot live with myself and I cannot face the throne of God unless I go to them, the "other," the forsaken.

And yet, as I said, teaching English is not enough for me. I feel a call to incorporate ministry as a part of that. I must lead a life that is dynamic-- I cannot separate my faith into a separate compartment: teaching and ministry go hand in hand, as they have done for centuries. That's part of why I'm thinking about Jubilee Fellows: it may give me insight into ministry that would guide that process of understanding my role and my vocation.

I heard a message about the Beatitudes last week that has stayed with me. Andy DeJong, our Interim Chaplain, revealed insight into this passage by acknowledging that these Beatitudes are NOT the ideal we ought to work towards. The Beatitudes are a present reality. We already embody these statements, but there is still the question of to what extent? How committed are we to these identities? Are we willing to acknowledge that part in our lives instead of letting it slip away?


Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons and daughters of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.


(Matthew 5:3-10)


I am poor in spirit. I mourn. I am meek before God and man. I hunger and thirst for righteousness. I strive to be merciful. I ache to be pure in heart. I hope to be a peacemaker. I am willing to face persecution.

Mine is the kingdom of Heaven. I am comforted. I inherit the earth. I am filled. I am shown mercy. I see God. I am a daughter of God. Mine is the kingdom of Heaven.

Amen, amen, amen.


bjv

I'm a Learning nerd. (For so many reasons. One, I'm in the Ed program...)

Okay.

So, get this: my classes this semester are amazing.

In fact, I shouldn't even say "class-es"... because it feels like one class with 4 different sections.

I'm taking Education 302/303 which is pretty much straight up Educ program information & stuff I need to know to teach.

BUT I'm also in World languages pedagogy, in which I will also be doing lesson plans, but from an ESL/language angle. It's fascinating to see the ways communication happens among people from different cultures.

Speaking of speaking, Oral Rhetoric (CAS 101) is going to be great, too. Sure I get butterflies in my stomach, but I actually love public speaking. I want to do that sort of thing. This one relates to Education (direct teaching as well as teaching students to give speeches) as well as the world languages one (obviously, since it involves oral communication)

But it doesn't end there! My Geography course (a core course, Geog 110) focuses on the cultural sides of all these things, examining not only the land mass sort of geography but also with an eye for cultural appreciation and the people involved. See how this relates to the World languages one, as well as the other two?

Amazing. I can't tell where one class begins and the others end: each one is going to help immensely with the others.

I love it. I love liberal arts learning. And I love learning.


Oh, and did I mention that I want to go to seminary more than ever now? :)


Betsy

Embracing Yellow.

I love to connect with people.

If I didn't know this before, I've definitely found it true in the last few days I've been at Calvin as Barnabas. Loving people by knowing their name, asking how their day is and chatting with them over coffee (wow, this sounds like a mentor I know!) just brings such indescribable joy to my heart.

I say that I'm embracing "Yellow" because from the Discovery profile, Yellow extrovert came out on top. I never really took seriously the fact that I was an extrovert because I somehow assumed that it meant that I had to enjoy being in charge of large groups of people and rambunctious parties. I do, but only for about an hour. Then I'm ready to go.

But when I really thought about it, and someone (Nord?) pointed out that being an extrovert means that you "charge your batteries" through connections with people, examples started popping up that hit me square on. If I'm alone too long, I need companionship. I just need to talk to somebody to process what I'm saying --or to write it out (as Nord also said, extroverts say what they're thinking before they realize they're thinking it. Introverts think about what they'll say before they say it. The way Nord said it was great, with motions and demonstrating, but that's hard to reproduce here.)

For instance, meeting with Heidi always gets me feeling my best. Just now I had a conversation with a pretty mature freshman, and that also got me feeling good. Whenever I connect with someone by saying hello-by name- on the paths, seeing their faces light up sends chills up my spine and it's so rewarding and enriching. I was probably walking around a foot off the ground today because I was so filled with joy of being with people.

I think I'm glad to be back at Calvin. Can you tell?

I'm not sure why I was so self-conscious before. But that must be it-- I was self-conscious. Maybe experiences in high school conditioned me to hold back, but now I'm finding that people really don't have (significant) pre-disposed opinions about me, but they're simply thrilled that I know who they are and that I take an interest in their life. It's incredibly humbling to realize that my life can impact others in that way. Wow. What a responsibility.

I'm trying to take this day by day, as simply as I can. I don't want to expect myself to feel this way all the time, because I know I'll burn out. (It'll be too much "red" in me if I go for that, if anyone reading this understands the colors I'm referring to) Yet to enjoy this is truly to en-JOY this. What a concept. To "en"- Joy this is to incorporate simple joys of smiles and hellos to the pure optimism of life. I just looked up the root word of "enjoy" and it actually means to GIVE joy. That's even more profound! To enjoy my life means much more than taking pleasure in what I'm doing. To ENJOY my life is to Give Joy! That's pretty much how it works, anyway!

ENJOY: ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French enjoier ‘give joy to’ or enjoïr ‘enjoy,’ both based on Latin gaudere ‘rejoice.’


Finally (before I start embracing the Blue side of me and get back to studying and organizing) I'd like to add that during the past week, I've done a lot of indirect and direct self-reflecting, both through Barnabas training and the first week of the job, through the questions people ask me. And the more I think about my goals for my life, the more I'm in love with God and what He's doing in my life. It's so amazing, I can hardly believe it's my life.

It also means that I can't wait to be a teacher, and that I'm thinking seminary is in the future more than ever. I just love ministry, and learning, too much to ignore that aspect. Heck, I even love giving speeches. Oral Rhetoric is going to be fun for me.


God is good, He is continually faithful, and holy goodness, is He always surprising me!


Revelation 19 Lyrics by Jeffery LaValley >> I love it because it's so simple, yet so beautiful.

Hallelujah, salvation, and glory
Honor and power unto the Lord our God
For the Lord our God is almighty
The Lord our God is omnipotent
The Lord our God, He is wonderful

group 1:
All praises be to the King of Kings
And the Lord of Lords
He is wonderful

group 2:
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
He is wonderful

group 3:
Hallelujah, salvation, and glory
Honor and power
He is wonderful






Enjoy.
Betsy