Where do I begin to say "Thank You, Lord"?

Today has been a deeply fulfilling day for me in so many ways; so affirming for my future and for my identity.

I have been affirmed in my identity as a teacher. Not that I doubted it before, but it is so clear to me and God is clearly directing my paths that way. I spent an hour in a school today helping a couple fifth graders write poems, and I loved it. I loved being in the classroom, relating to the students, and helping them find their voice in words. Mary went with me, and she said afterwards that she could really see I was a natural at it.

Last night and also this morning, I found out that I received two upper-class named scholarships, both related to education. I received one from the English department (The Kuiper Scholarship, in case you are curious, which is specifically for an English major in the Secondary Ed program going into their Senior year) which is an incredible honor, especially after hearing about the teachers who it is named for. The second is specifically from the Education department and it is intended for someone who is either a minority or who has a disability, or who has a record of service to minorities and those with disabilities--which applies to me in both areas, since I am hearing impaired but I have done a lot of volunteer work with both areas. I just realized a moment ago how this affirms me not only as a teacher, but also as someone who is hearing impaired. I've caught myself doubting my ability as a teacher lately because of my hearing problems, but this sort of sends that right out the door! Thanks, God :)

I am also incredibly blessed by the fact that I got scholarships at all without having "technical financial need." Altogether, I have a general calvin scholarship, an achievement award, a mentoring scholarship, the english department scholarship and the education department scholarship, in addition to the Jubilee Fellows stipend and possible loans and money from the company my step-dad works at. This blows me away. This is affirming to me as a student, since I never did very well in high school, and affirming to me as a person with a future. Someone thinks my vision for education, community and ministry is worth supporting. What an honor! This also means that a few professors who recommended me for these scholarships also see something in me. I'm blown away.

In of the last posts, I mentioned that I've been hearing about a lot of stories with strong women in them. The trend continues. I met a woman tonight who came to speak to the J.Fellows on church planting. She is another example of a strong woman who embraces her gender while also working effectively in ministry. I was also intruigued by the church planting and realized that what she loved about it were things that I would likely love about it, too. So there's a possibility for me, especially since I want to be involved with community as a teacher and bring those two together. It's also a deep need in urban areas, which I love as well and have a passion for.

I am near tears and my heart is exploding. For months and weeks I've had an identity crisis. I've doubted my identity as a natural leader. At a time when the Jubilee Fellows internship is rapidly approaching and so are decisions about teaching and general future goals and pursuits, God is wrapping me in His love and encouragement. I can't believe how much I needed this from Him, and my eyes are opened to how He was saying this to me all along. I'm just much more in tune with His sucession of strong women in leadership and compelling me to consider that route, too. I also feel more empowered than ever in my life to accept singlehood, and to be prepared to live with it for a while. It's not that I don't need men or don't want a boyfriend or husband, it's just clear that God has a plan for my growth as an individual, as a single woman. I can accept that now. I'd really rather not, but I will, and I'm ready to learn from it. I'm inspired to take on the challenge.

This is also quite humbling. We discussed Humility and humbleness at length tonight in our class. Coop said that struggling with humility is best combatted with gratitude, not self-deprication. I'm amazed by that--what a simple truth. Being grateful for the gifts that God graciously gives to us and being willing to be "interrupted" (as The Bonhoeffer says) in our day to help others is the path to humility. I realized on the way back as I walked and looked up at the stars, is that my mistakes months ago had brought me to a place where others may have questioned or doubted my leadership ability, but that didn't mean it was true or that I suddenly wasn't cut out for it anymore. And just because I doubted my own potential didn't excuse me from that calling. That humbled me. I remembered again my conviction that leaders are not perfect, and if I'm not perfect, that's reality. It's not a place to give up. It just means that I need to move forward in humility about it and accept my own humanity.

I don't know if that all came out perfectly articulated, but I'm sure I'll be revisiting this later. My (coffee?) headache is getting worse, so I'm not entirely focused. I really just needed to get as many thoughts down as I could before I have to move onto a paper due tomorrow at 8am (ugh).

Finally, a song that came to mind that I haven't sung in a very long time:

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's your kindness lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor lord, is our desire
It's your beauty lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life



Rejoice with me as I learn a new song--

Betsy Joy