when i go down, i go down hard.

I'm waiting for the laundry to stop spinning and finish the cycle. I have about 6 more piles of clothes waiting upstairs. It's really good to have a quiet house and some quiet, Betsy time. I don't think I'm going to make any more plans for the weekend. I need to recooperate before heading back to the dorms.

hm.

I guess feel as though I'm stale, but I think it would be better to think of this point as stalemate. The dictionary defines it as "a situation in which further action or progress by opposing or competing parties seems impossible"....

Further action or progress seems impossible.

I think that the obstacle is that there's quite a bit of disappointment in my heart right now. Even though I am thrilled that I accomplished my life's goal by living in Scotland, living abroad by myself and being a part of everything there, I can't help but feel a little resentful now that it's over.

I guess it makes sense, I suppose I could hardly expect Michigan to be exciting after living somewhere like Glasgow. It makes sense to feel a letdown after the adventure. It's a painful thing to wake up in the morning and feel as though the past four months were a dream. I suppose I should give myself a break--time for acceptance. I need help accepting that I'm always going to have left part of my heart in Scotland, but also that I'm back here now and there's still life to be had.

I'm optimistic. I'm still a go-getter. I know what opportunities I have before me and which ones could open up even more realms of learning and more opportunities. Even Grand Rapids can be made to be a part of the exciting adventure of my life :) It's just the next challenge, right? Hehe.

For those around me who read these entries, please pray for me and be patient for me. I was warned that 'reverse culture shock' could be more difficult than the actual culture shock of going abroad. I'm finding that's true. It's so hard to balance the aspects of my life (and character) that developed this past year with the old self and the old life I had left behind me.

I'm desperately in need of Grace. I kinda stink at transitions when I'm reluctant to let go.


I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that/I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless/To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away/So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray/My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works/No that's not the way it works

When I go down/I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned/And teach myself some disregard
When I go down/It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there/I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can/Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down/Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find/That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away/The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away/So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away/The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray/My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works/No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me/Reprimands me
Then and there/I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me/And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again/And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope, it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down/I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far/Cause you'll be there
With open arms/To lift me up again
To lift me up again


"When I go Down" -Relient K

whoa, whoa, whoa.

 

God is doing really big things in my life. Actually, no. God is really big in my life. He's huge. And He wants me to be like Him.

Earlier today I was thinking about the distinctions between "living with good intentions" and "living intentionally" because I think there really is a difference. Think about the people you know who live with "good intentions"-- Christian or non. They might live up to some of those things, but isn't there something of a sense that something's missing, that it's not quite all together? Maybe it's the fact that "good intentions" can be used as an excuse for failure. If you miss the mark, well, at least you shot the arrow.

But then, what about "living intentionally"? How could this be different? Living intentionally means knowing that our lives have purpose here on Earth because of His grace, and that we are created uniquely by our Father. It then means being a follower of Christ, head over heels crazy for Him, and knowing that when things are done intentionally there is more room for critical thinking, discipline and reflection. If you live your life intentionally, you're aware of what's going on. You can see where you've been, and how that shapes where you're going. Even when there are errors, there is room for forgiveness and reconciliation-- no excuses this time. Unlike "good intentions," living intentionally doesn't excuse mistakes. It learns from them.

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

I've been dreaming again. Yeah, watch out ;) God has taught me through my dreaming, and He definitely works through my dreams. I'm dreaming about life after college this time. Somehow I doubt that I'll be working as a teacher in a West Michigan school the fall after I graduate...(haha, those who know me and know me well might agree that this seems a little... too normal!) more likely I'll join the Peace Corp, work as a recruiter for ACMNP or Reign, move to Scotland or other means of travel--who knows, maybe I'll be doing all of those things. I'd really love to do Peak Performance and travel to Nepal (or elsewhere) and climb mountains while serving Jesus. Cool!!! I live a high-intensity life-- but all of these things I've been a part of and done are the results of dreams. I don't leave it at goals, I accomplish them, God willing.

"What If?" <<--story of my life :)

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

But. As I realize that my life is going to be geared around ministry-- and the funny thing is, I feel like I've known this all along, but it's as though I've been allowed to see the backstage crew working, rather than just trying to figure out the plot of my life going on at the stage-- it's growing evident that I'm going to run into a major issue: Finances.

While it doesn't daunt me too much (but this is me saying that while there's a bit of money in the bank--not much, an will disappear after I start paying tuition at Calvin again) I'm realizing the need to be intentional about my relationships with people, and to build a rapport with those who are willing to invest in my life and my goals. Scholarship apps are one thing, but gaining support as a budding missionary will be another.

Gasp. "Missionary." But yeah, that's what I'm going to be. That's what I'm already becoming.

It does make it difficult, though, in some cases, because though I know exactly what I'd like to do, I have no idea which form those goals will take. Ie: I can apply for a missions scholarship, but because my plans are so complex, it might or might not satisfy criteria! Ack!

I think this is where it would be helpful, in the next year or so, to reconnect with some of my past mentors and to talk with people who have been in similar situations. Many people who are regular staff with Reign Ministries have to ask people for money all the time and can give me some hints about where to start and when an appropriate time to get started with that is. Not to mention that the wonderful thing about the Internet is that it makes everything more easily accessible for everyone. :)

---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

One more note, though, before I continue the chore of packing. (You'd think I'd be great at this by now, considering all the times I've made significant moves in the last year!)

I mentioned two things earlier, that have so much to do with each other: the first was that I feel like I've known all along that I was going into the mission field in some form or other, and the second was that I'm already becoming a missionary. The third thing to add here is just a tribute to my Dad. I am comforted by the fact that he would be so proud of me--no doubt. His death (in Oct 2004) left me an inheritance--taking up the cross and to continue to follow Him while serving in direct ministries. I am part of a legacy. I am drawn into the family business ;) I am just grateful for the solid foundation and examples that my dad left for me. Sometimes I feel as though, with his death, some of my Dad's heart was transplanted into my own, that his spiritual gifts were passed on to me-- or perhaps I'm just discovering what I've had all along, or have been given recently that just happen to mirror who my Dad was. It's a mystery... and a mystery I'm happy to let alone, though it's certainly something to take to heart. (nooooo pun intended. hehe.)

With love, grace and peace,
♥ Betsy Joy



PS. It may sound like I speak as though I am invincible, as though I will live forever. But I know very well that life is short, and so I plan to make the most of it. Please don't take my words as arrogant or proud, because it's just my sense of adventure bursting forth out of my joy for what the Lord has given me.

It's possible that I would never see Michigan again, that my plane could crash somewhere over the Atlantic tomorrow morning, but the Lord is good, and His love endures forever. There is no need for fear. After all-- Jesus says in Matthew 10:28 "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell."


---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----

resigned.

 
my answer is this: ok. ok. alright, fine.
but it should be simply put: yes, Lord.


this is the end of a season in my life. not just scotland, i mean, but rather this whole year. 2006, plus a little bit around the edges in 2005, has been a time of significant transition for me. many of my passions, goals, and talents have been uncovered or improved upon. from the preparations for the summer and scotland to the lessons learned while i was there, it amazes me to look back and see the growth of my maturity.

but nearly everyone comes to the end of their education and realizes it's a lot easier than graduating and moving on.

i wish i could stay. i've told this to people. dozens of people. a few people even know that if i was given the option between the united states to finish calvin and staying here for the rest of my life, i'd stay here. my heart is here. this is my (earthly) home (as much as it could become in four months).

and yet, of course, God is making it plain and (painfully) clear that the inevitable departure that is just around the corner was obviously a part of the plan. even though the future is ambiguous, that's alright. i was made for this. i have even been aware for the greater part of the year that it has been a season of preparation. but have i really considered what He would take this whole year to prepare (pretty intensely, too) for?

knowing my Jesus, better is yet to come. and yet, it's not "bigger and better". i hope i get a chance to go abroad again and to do things on that larger scale, yet i have a feeling that the next few years are going to be local and quiet. there is work for me to do, and i've got to step up to being humble, if that makes any sense.

my mom always told me "it's okay to miss me while you're gone [at camp], but don't feel down about it or dwell on it, because you'll see me at the end of the week"

i should remember that about Scotland.


time to go to drumchapel... i hope these sad goodbyes aren't the end.

love,

betsy joy

Empowered with the Holy Spirit

 
I'd just like to reflect on my experience today at church.


It was so hard to say goodbye to the family I had there. I cried during worship, because I knew that hearing the songs in another place in another time would send me straight back to that moment. There IS a Redeemer...

I was glad to have the chance to say goodbye to some of the people who'd been so good to me there. I think we all regretted not having more time to get to know each other. But, as Jamie put it, you don't ever really say goodbye. (*points to heart*) That place will always be a church home for me.

Yet the most incredible thing was after the service, just as I'd thanked Bob and Gil for their kindess to me, when Gair came up alongside and asked Bob and Gil if they'd pray over me with him. It was so good to be surrounded by people who cared about me. They urged the Spirit to come and fill me, to empower me, to help me make peace and not just keep it, to be a leader in my community, to be used by God in wonderful ways... tears flowed down my cheeks as I stood there, grateful, and knowing that it would be as they asked.

I feel capable of going back and being a leader, to rise up and do my part in the Great Comission.

Scares me, yes. But the only Fear that owns me is the Fear of the Lord. I don't worry about men, or the things of this world; the worst they can do is kill me. But I Fear the One who can kill both soul and body. But my Hope is in Him, and I shall love Him forever.

Lord, reign in me. Reign in your power! Over every dream, in my darkest hour! You are the Lord over all my life! So won't you reign in me again?

Praise Him. Oh Lord, more... more... more...


I have been so blessed by the Glasgow West End Vineyard church. They have equipped me in a way I never expected. I grew so much during my short time there...(14 weeks) but it was family even so. I am grateful for Laura and Gair Porter (and their kids) for their loving openness to receive me into their family for a while. That church has singlehandedly convinced me that community is the most important thing you can build within a church family. I've never seen anything like it. If you want to draw people to Christ, it only takes drawing them into your family to see how life can be. Oh, blessings.

And yet, my heart is full of joy and full of grief. It's not just limited to the fact that I love Glasgow so much and yet I'm so sad to go, because I also feel empathy for people I know and love back home. I'm thrilled that Kim is doing well with Javi, and that sure is good to hear about! Yet, I found out that my mentor's daughter has a possibility of a rare disease that causes overgrowth in blood vessels. My heart breaks for that, because Heidi has already gone through so many trials in life. But there is hope that her daughter, Samara, will grow to be healthy and strong. But yes. So many deep stirrings in my heart. So much to live for, so much to die for.

♥
betsy joy

growing up

is spiritual growth when you start to get the point?
(maybe. but i'd be more apt to say that it's when you start making the point a habit.)


At any rate, I'd say that the last couple weeks have been... enlightening. reaffirming. encouraging. convincing.


I hardly know how to put it in words, what this deep rooted conviction means for me. I just know what it is propelling me towards. I know that my life is going to be one bent towards ministry. There is no other option for me now. Whatever I do, in terms of employment, it will also be my form of ministry. Perhaps not formal (although some of that too) it is still my vocation.

This means that I will be a servant. I want to volunteer regularly in the Grand Rapids community, for the sake of helping other people. I believe that my life, gifts, abilities are not my own; Christ asks me to give them away and to use them for the building upkeep of his Kingdom.

This means that I am dedicated. My work is going to be important to me, and I mean my studies. I'm doing the honors program at Calvin because that will keep me accountable for maintaining grades, GPA, and pushing myself to explore knowledge--and His Creation--in a deep and meaningful way.

It means I rise up to the challenges. Honestly, the thought of applying for dorm leadership next year scares me. But I can't deny that I have felt a push towards that direction, to at least try. There was a sermon message I heard about leadership at the Glasgow WestEnd Vineyard a few weeks back which was so powerful. I reflected on how God calls you to be YOURSELF, and that if you deny who you are, than how can He use you? My characterstics, my personality, and my goals all point to my future involvement in leadership. I need to step up to that, or else I am not fulfilling what I was called to.

And it means I will strive to become disciplined. My walk with God has been less than what it could be, to say the least. I want to know Him more, yet I want to know Him so well that He is the Lover of my soul. Yeah, I want to be intimate. I want to look to Him as my Source of worship, my Inspiration, the Inexhaustible Theme (good words from a song!) I don't want to be disciplined for the sake of being disciplined; that would be foolish. I want to be disciplined because it will help me become stronger in the areas that I am so weak. Christ has the power to wipe those weaknesses away, but He gives us the freedom to choose whether or not we will make that decision to be close to Him.

Praises be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May He bless you and keep you, both now and always.

♥Betsy Joy

Be Still, My Soul

"Be Still, My Soul" by Katharina A. von Schlegel
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.



Beautiful, beautiful hymn. When I looked up the words I saw that it was a favorite of Eric Liddle, the famous {SCOTTISH} Olympian who refused to race on the Sabbath and still won (there's a movie that's excellent, called Chariots of Fire which I would recommend!) What I didn't remember about Eric Liddle is that he became a missionary and went to China--where he was imprisoned during WW1. Supposedly he taught this song to other prison inmates before dying of a brain tumor.

I love that line-- "Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay from His own fullness all He takes away"
That sums up what I seek. That's what I want. To know the fullness of Christ, for His grace to be sufficient for me.


♥
betsy joy