I miss my dad.

I just woke up from dreaming about my dad. It was so real, so like him, that I wanted to keep it. It started as all dreams do--with a completely different circumstance, and then all of a sudden, there I was sitting near him. We were in an office, and he was busy with something. He must have come back from being away, because people kept coming in to say hello and help dust things. Every time, my dad would introduce me, and I'd reach out and shake their hand. Everywhere around me were books and old photographs of us kids, just like in his office at Ebenezer. Zach even came in--he was ordained now--and asked him where he usually keeps the book of policies; it seemed like Zach was working at this place, too, and was moving into a new office. I was my own age, all 20 years old, even though I was just sitting in his office hanging out like I used to when I was 7. But I remember the point when I realized that he wasn't as he should be-- he still had the gaunt cheeks, the gray hair, and that certain look of pain. Then I started waking up.


It makes me wonder--if my dad were still alive today, does that mean that he would have been cured, somehow? Or would it just mean that he was in even more suffering than before? I'm a little upset with my subconscious for giving me a dream about my dad being around right now, because I've been missing him a lot lately and wishing I could talk to him about everything. It would have been easier if my dreaming had taken place ten years ago, so I could remember him as he used to be--dark brown hair, strong, easy-going.


It's a beautiful morning. No classes today because of academic advising, so I'll have a lot of time this afternoon to get ahead on work. I can't believe that I have the rest of this week (only Thursday and Friday for classes!), next week as a full week of classes, two weeks from now is my last week of classes, finishing on Thursday. Then exams. Then summer! Then the internship! (43 days till SoCal!) We're getting down to the wire, here.


That's all. More later.
Betsy Joy

Where do I begin to say "Thank You, Lord"?

Today has been a deeply fulfilling day for me in so many ways; so affirming for my future and for my identity.

I have been affirmed in my identity as a teacher. Not that I doubted it before, but it is so clear to me and God is clearly directing my paths that way. I spent an hour in a school today helping a couple fifth graders write poems, and I loved it. I loved being in the classroom, relating to the students, and helping them find their voice in words. Mary went with me, and she said afterwards that she could really see I was a natural at it.

Last night and also this morning, I found out that I received two upper-class named scholarships, both related to education. I received one from the English department (The Kuiper Scholarship, in case you are curious, which is specifically for an English major in the Secondary Ed program going into their Senior year) which is an incredible honor, especially after hearing about the teachers who it is named for. The second is specifically from the Education department and it is intended for someone who is either a minority or who has a disability, or who has a record of service to minorities and those with disabilities--which applies to me in both areas, since I am hearing impaired but I have done a lot of volunteer work with both areas. I just realized a moment ago how this affirms me not only as a teacher, but also as someone who is hearing impaired. I've caught myself doubting my ability as a teacher lately because of my hearing problems, but this sort of sends that right out the door! Thanks, God :)

I am also incredibly blessed by the fact that I got scholarships at all without having "technical financial need." Altogether, I have a general calvin scholarship, an achievement award, a mentoring scholarship, the english department scholarship and the education department scholarship, in addition to the Jubilee Fellows stipend and possible loans and money from the company my step-dad works at. This blows me away. This is affirming to me as a student, since I never did very well in high school, and affirming to me as a person with a future. Someone thinks my vision for education, community and ministry is worth supporting. What an honor! This also means that a few professors who recommended me for these scholarships also see something in me. I'm blown away.

In of the last posts, I mentioned that I've been hearing about a lot of stories with strong women in them. The trend continues. I met a woman tonight who came to speak to the J.Fellows on church planting. She is another example of a strong woman who embraces her gender while also working effectively in ministry. I was also intruigued by the church planting and realized that what she loved about it were things that I would likely love about it, too. So there's a possibility for me, especially since I want to be involved with community as a teacher and bring those two together. It's also a deep need in urban areas, which I love as well and have a passion for.

I am near tears and my heart is exploding. For months and weeks I've had an identity crisis. I've doubted my identity as a natural leader. At a time when the Jubilee Fellows internship is rapidly approaching and so are decisions about teaching and general future goals and pursuits, God is wrapping me in His love and encouragement. I can't believe how much I needed this from Him, and my eyes are opened to how He was saying this to me all along. I'm just much more in tune with His sucession of strong women in leadership and compelling me to consider that route, too. I also feel more empowered than ever in my life to accept singlehood, and to be prepared to live with it for a while. It's not that I don't need men or don't want a boyfriend or husband, it's just clear that God has a plan for my growth as an individual, as a single woman. I can accept that now. I'd really rather not, but I will, and I'm ready to learn from it. I'm inspired to take on the challenge.

This is also quite humbling. We discussed Humility and humbleness at length tonight in our class. Coop said that struggling with humility is best combatted with gratitude, not self-deprication. I'm amazed by that--what a simple truth. Being grateful for the gifts that God graciously gives to us and being willing to be "interrupted" (as The Bonhoeffer says) in our day to help others is the path to humility. I realized on the way back as I walked and looked up at the stars, is that my mistakes months ago had brought me to a place where others may have questioned or doubted my leadership ability, but that didn't mean it was true or that I suddenly wasn't cut out for it anymore. And just because I doubted my own potential didn't excuse me from that calling. That humbled me. I remembered again my conviction that leaders are not perfect, and if I'm not perfect, that's reality. It's not a place to give up. It just means that I need to move forward in humility about it and accept my own humanity.

I don't know if that all came out perfectly articulated, but I'm sure I'll be revisiting this later. My (coffee?) headache is getting worse, so I'm not entirely focused. I really just needed to get as many thoughts down as I could before I have to move onto a paper due tomorrow at 8am (ugh).

Finally, a song that came to mind that I haven't sung in a very long time:

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's your kindness lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor lord, is our desire
It's your beauty lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life



Rejoice with me as I learn a new song--

Betsy Joy

new revelation: i write more when i'm procrastinating! lesson: procrastinate more? (maybe not.)

I had a very satisfying weekend that was full of family. On Saturday I went home to celebrate the Triplets' 2nd Birthday with a party in their neighborhood clubhouse. It was a blast to see the kids have so much fun with their sandtoys I bought for them and be cute eating cupcakes. I love them and I'm very proud to be their auntie. :) I spent the night in Holland and went to church with my mom and Jessey, drove back to GR for lunch with my dear friend Mary, and this afternoon went to Frederick Meijer Gardens (again! I know) with my mom and Grandma. Then we went to Panera together and off to Fuller Ave. CRC to hear my brother Zach preach. I was very impressed with his message and I also got to see Jane and my other niece Julia! Like I said--lots of family. Just the way I like it. I have to take advantage of it while I can...


My orchid is still happily blooming, with a second bloom opening today. :)

I'm still feeling pretty good about where I'm at right now. I'm starting to dream again. Lately my dreaming takes me to Colorado after graduation. My mom gave me the idea, since she told me to go somewhere that a sibling already was, for her sake, since she's running out of vacation time! (More efficient this way, I suppose!) Well, right now that option is Southern California or Colorado. I started checking out teaching job options in North Central Colorado where my sister is and decided it wouldn't be so bad! I love the mountains, and it would be so great to live near my sister. Not to mention that my mom owns a condo out there that she's renting out, and could easily rent to me! :D

But unfortunately graduation doesn't come till December 2009. Seems a long ways off but at the same time just around the corner. A lot needs to happen between now and then, but it's only 20 months away! (Wow!) Speaking of a lot happening-- there is a lot that needs to happen between now and 4.5 weeks from today, when school gets out! Fortunately I only have two formal scheduled exams and a couple of take-homes. I need to get started on reading a bunch of books, that's for sure! Oh darn, I'll have to get back into Breathing Space some more tonight ;)

I meant this to be a bit more than an update on what I've been doing this weekend, but it has just been so wonderfully refreshing that I figure that's an update enough. :)


Betsy

A quiet Thursday

I just came back from a walk. Yes, a walk in the rain. And it was beautiful. It wasn't nearly as cold as I thought it would be, so I ended up walking for at least 45 minutes in the nature preserve. I wanted my senses jolted. I wanted to smell the damp earth and hear the wind and feel the rain on my face--not just see the rivers of raindrops cascading down my windowpanes. It was lovely. I even splashed in some puddles.

It's no wonder that I had the itching to get outside since we discussed Thoreau in American Lit this morning. I had the privilege to go to Walden Pond and see the place where he lived the summer after my freshman year in high school. It was the first time I was away from home without my family, and I remember it so well. I had memories coming back to me while sitting in class, like wading knee-deep into the warm waters of the (large) pond while others took picture on shore. In Walden, Henry David Thoreau said that "to be awake is to be alive." I think that's true. I feel like I've been unawake, unawares for a long time. I was existing. My heart had expanded, then was emptied, and I didn't know what to put in that ache.

But people have been speaking into that vast dark space, all without knowing. Many have been literary voices. Authors from the Jubilee Fellows class (Willard, Bonhoeffer, Peterson, Lueking, and others) have spoken into my heart, urgently reminding me of the greater tasks at hand. It was hard to listen to them at first.

But other written words have been present as well: Psalm 116 says "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." For me, this was an invitation to let go, to slow down, to find myself present in one moment--this moment.

The questions in the book Moment by Moment have surprised me, also bringing me to this moment of awareness of self and of God's Spirit having already started moving. It asks me to consider this: "What in my life now seems to carry an invitation or challenge to me to become more reflective?" and "What people, places and events in my life have been special instruments of grace in leading me to desire a more intimate relationship with God?" and finally "What can I do with the caution I may feel about taking God more seriously in my life?" Even now I'm surprised that with this blog post, I'm already entering into answering those questions, though unintentionally.

And then there are the stories of strong women that God has brought to speak into my heart. These have resonated the deepest, pressing against the sides of my soul as their words echo deeply into those dark spaces. There's Kathleen Norris, and her book Dakota, which describes her life as teacher and writer in rural and poor areas of South Dakota (and a fan of Thomas Merton!) There is Erin Gruwell, the "too young, too white" teacher who goes into the heart of the city in Southern California to teach and emerges a memorable mentor to over a hundred of her students who have gone on to college despite all odds. Then there's Heidi Neumark, the author of Breathing Space, who I've already mentioned from yesterday but has become so familiar already. Her words paint a picture of what my heart aches for, and in all the pain of living in the deepest pit of the city, she lifts up stories of joy. I admire her. (She's a fan of Thomas Merton, too!) She, too, is a kindred spirit. Neumark also brings friends--stories of women in the Bible who are easily passed over, but whose stories also bring strength.

There are those who have walked with me quietly in the last few months as I've spent time withdrawn from the world. I thank them, too. Their wisdom has also found a place in my heart.


And all the while, I'm struck with a parallel of my own growth with that of my orchid. Eric gave the orchid to me as a gift over a year ago, and the blooms eventually faded and fell. But I was told to keep it and tend it and perhaps (without hoping too hard) it would flower again. So I kept it. And for many months it did absolutely nothing. I basically had an awkward stick and two bright green leaves at its base. I noticed that it started growing new leaves, so it was nice to know that it was still alive, but there was nothing more.

Then, in late February, I was delighted to see new growth on the stem. Over the past couple months, this remarkable plant has grown a new branch about a foot long! As the blooms began to bulge and change from the deep red to greenish tint, my hopes began to soar. I knew of others whose orchid nearly flowered but the blooms simply died. I kept petitioning my beloved plant, asking it to please flower! Then, last night, I noticed that the "seam" of the bud had split. This morning, and throughout today, the flower has opened and the familiar purple and delicate design on the petals is visible once more. I am delighted. Thrilled. Ecstatic!



The orchid reminds me so much of the stagnancy I felt, or rather, imagined--since, like my orchid, my heart only appeared to have no growth. But when I did see signs of longings and achings toward ministry again, it wasn't instant. I had to be patient with this fragile growth. I wanted blooms! I had the hope for blooms! It took months of preparation first. I was also frustrated with my orchid, since it seemed to have different proportions in mind than I had for it. I would have been happy with three inches of stem and one flower. But my orchid has reached out far and long, barely holding on to the main stem by one strong point, and as a result has created room for more blooms than I had on it last year! God's grace is revealed to me through this precious, gorgeous plant. Hope springs from hope.

Thank God I had a little bit of faith and hope.

Thank God that my heart has been stretched and pulled for greater things than I had in mind.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him, all creatures here below!
Praise Him, above, ye heavenly hosts!
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost! AMEN!


Betsy Joy

Raise your hopeful voice!

I find myself begining to "want to want" more. It's exciting. I feel like something is emerging out of my heart again... that telltale joy that belongs to my name. Studying for the Jubilee Fellows midterm actually did turn out to be a blessing. Looking at a few of the articles and books again got me excited for the things the authors were saying. There is deep passion within the Church, and it needs to be unleashed. I've also been introduced to one of the best books I've come across in a long time. It's called Breathing Space by Heidi Neumark, and it's a memoir about her pastoral ministry in the South Bronx. Her writing style is absolutely so beautiful and eloquent, and the metaphors that she uses are just breathtaking. I love it. And I'm only on page 12! (Heidi, you would LOVE this book if you haven't read it already. I already want to talk to you about some of the stuff the author says!) This book is one of the options for a book review for J.Fellows and I'm SO glad Coop recommended it! It has been a long time since an author spoke "my language" and appealed to me as much as Neumark has already! I'm thrilled.

My heart has been given reprieve this week. Sunday started off difficult since I spent a long time writing a letter I wasn't sure I wanted to send (I haven't--yet). Talking about it with my mentor, Heidi, the next day was incredibly helpful. She articulated to me what kind of person I am, and how I respond to misunderstandings of my own character by others. We talked about when a clarification needs to be made (and how one should make it) and also about letting go. I didn't really intend to "let go" of some of the things that I felt misunderstood about, but acknowledging what was going on in the deep regions of my heart and soul was like opening a window and ventilating those spaces. I get it now. I get why it bothered me so much, I get why I felt the impulse to say something about it, I get why God can sometimes call us to step up and set the record straight. But I also get that it's not the end of the world. Without intending to, I've been able to grasp things a little less tightly and feel some actual freedom from that. I know that God knows my character and that He understands the injustice I felt. Even if I never say anything to those who I felt hurt by directly, I know that the experience is already shaping how I might approach others in a simliar situation. I know what needs to be added to a certain conversation the Church is having (or needs to be having). At any rate, I'm becoming "unstuck," to use Heidi's term. :) Hallelujah. Again, from Psalm 116-- Be at rest, oh my Soul.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
-Psalm 116:1,7


Betsy Joy

Wanting more.

Who was it who prayed "Lord, help me to want to want you"? Or something similar? Anyhow, that seems to be the petition of my own heart these days. I feel behind in all things spiritual. I want to want Christ in my life. I know what it is I should do, but I become sluggish and get so stuck! I don't know if it's fear or pride that contributes to this hesitation, but it's probably a mixture of both. I think that I fear disappointment. Not disappointment in Christ or His gifts, but disappointment in myself when I fail at being disciplined. Pride is just an issue anyway. Apparently one of my strengths is Self-Assurance, which means I have a lot of confidence in the things I'm convicted about, but I don't really know how to shift that to really help me. (Golly, maybe I should look up some more information about my strengths after all.)

Right now I'm procrastinating. My brain feels a little fried by all the thinking and analyzing I've been doing in preparation for the J.Fellows midterm. It's a beast. Coop sure didn't hold back when he came up with these questions--a few of the questions are from pieces he didn't assign or discuss in class. I guess he still wants us to know them! It has been a lot of reading for the class and I admit I've gotten behind. I'm hoping to revisit some of these books/authors soon and read them as one entity, instead of broken up by sections and weeks.

Speaking of procrastinating, I really need somebody to give me some advice on time-management. I'm always late. For everything. A couple of weeks back I managed to be on time for all of my classes for that week, but it didn't really count since we didn't have class Friday. I sometimes find that when I have too much to do or things I'd like to do, I get stuck and don't end up doing any of them. I usually get homework done at the last minute, but I've still pulled off the grades and I've stayed on the Dean's List. I don't want to be late to everything for the rest of my life, though, especially when I'm teaching. How embarrassing! Yikes. I could really use a few suggestions. Or a little discipline to get up on time in the morning. I usually have to set my alarm at LEAST a half hour (or hour) ahead of time because I can't get up right away. (Which isn't a result of not getting enough sleep or sleeping too much. I regularly get 8 hours of sleep.) Maybe excersizing would help... if I would actually do it. I think I've proved my point by now. I admire people who can keep a timely schedule. But when I am early, I often wonder to myself what the point was of getting early and waiting around. Ugh. I know! I should start carrying a book around with me. If I can get to a class early, I'll read the book. I just hope that book-reading doesn't turn into another form of procrastination ;)

Now that was a good pep talk. It felt good to write/type since I haven't done that in a while on here. I think I may come back again soon and start working on some questions from a book that Heidi recommended called Moment by Moment.

Wish me luck on the midterm! (Eeik!)

Betsy

Psalm 116:7

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.


In the midst of a busy week, I woke up this morning thinking of what I have to do today, and almost ran off to start doing more things. But I remembered our conversation at Jubilee Fellows last night, and about prayer and going to the Bible before email. It was actually the glow of the sunrise that reminded me. I thought I wanted to read Psalm 116 for a different passage, but it was the wrong one, but it turned out to be right for me after all. As I read through it, comforted, it was verse 7 that really did it for me: Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

It's His world. We're not required to do more than we can do. So take a deep breath, play your part and take care of your responsibilities, and rest again at the end of the day.


May all your souls be at rest today.

Bets