Wanting more.

Who was it who prayed "Lord, help me to want to want you"? Or something similar? Anyhow, that seems to be the petition of my own heart these days. I feel behind in all things spiritual. I want to want Christ in my life. I know what it is I should do, but I become sluggish and get so stuck! I don't know if it's fear or pride that contributes to this hesitation, but it's probably a mixture of both. I think that I fear disappointment. Not disappointment in Christ or His gifts, but disappointment in myself when I fail at being disciplined. Pride is just an issue anyway. Apparently one of my strengths is Self-Assurance, which means I have a lot of confidence in the things I'm convicted about, but I don't really know how to shift that to really help me. (Golly, maybe I should look up some more information about my strengths after all.)

Right now I'm procrastinating. My brain feels a little fried by all the thinking and analyzing I've been doing in preparation for the J.Fellows midterm. It's a beast. Coop sure didn't hold back when he came up with these questions--a few of the questions are from pieces he didn't assign or discuss in class. I guess he still wants us to know them! It has been a lot of reading for the class and I admit I've gotten behind. I'm hoping to revisit some of these books/authors soon and read them as one entity, instead of broken up by sections and weeks.

Speaking of procrastinating, I really need somebody to give me some advice on time-management. I'm always late. For everything. A couple of weeks back I managed to be on time for all of my classes for that week, but it didn't really count since we didn't have class Friday. I sometimes find that when I have too much to do or things I'd like to do, I get stuck and don't end up doing any of them. I usually get homework done at the last minute, but I've still pulled off the grades and I've stayed on the Dean's List. I don't want to be late to everything for the rest of my life, though, especially when I'm teaching. How embarrassing! Yikes. I could really use a few suggestions. Or a little discipline to get up on time in the morning. I usually have to set my alarm at LEAST a half hour (or hour) ahead of time because I can't get up right away. (Which isn't a result of not getting enough sleep or sleeping too much. I regularly get 8 hours of sleep.) Maybe excersizing would help... if I would actually do it. I think I've proved my point by now. I admire people who can keep a timely schedule. But when I am early, I often wonder to myself what the point was of getting early and waiting around. Ugh. I know! I should start carrying a book around with me. If I can get to a class early, I'll read the book. I just hope that book-reading doesn't turn into another form of procrastination ;)

Now that was a good pep talk. It felt good to write/type since I haven't done that in a while on here. I think I may come back again soon and start working on some questions from a book that Heidi recommended called Moment by Moment.

Wish me luck on the midterm! (Eeik!)

Betsy