resentful? maybe?

alright. i'm not sure how to put this, and i'm not sure that it's entirely true. but.

i miss the essence of life that i used to have.

i guess what i mean is that the majority of the year 2006 was me living independently, on my own, doing my own thing. i was self-sufficient, capable, mature and altogether happy. for heaven's sakes, i was living in one of the biggest cities in europe for almost four months before i even turned 20. i could have done it for a year or more.

and then i came back to calvin, and all of that disappeared. it didn't matter anymore. i've been reduced to an id number, an application, a homework assignment. i'm competing daily with people who are just like me. it doesn't mean anything to be american. it doesn't mean anything to be dutch crc. my studies don't mean anything. it's just empty.

no wonder i don't like it much here. i like my life to have meaning, challenges, adventures.

the things i do enjoy are the things that give my life the essence and individuality. i have started new hobbies: taking care of my fish and propogating english ivy. i enjoy spending time with my amazing boyfriend who is always opening up new perspectives. those things make my life fuller and more complete, because i'm doing life as it's supposed to be.

i like to learn, but school is actually a strange, abstract concept. go to a classroom to learn about the world? what? how about we make the world the classroom? how about i go to papua new guinea and actually experience a different culture while i do school? hm? that sounds pretty interesting.

but in the end, home is still at 1 kelvinhaugh gate, glasgow, uk, G3 8PY. that's where i belonged.


i suppose someone could criticize me about my lack of contentedness regarding the united states. but there have to be people who go other places. there will always be someone (i hope!) who realizes that the states aren't all that great as it's hyped up to be. seriously.

bets